The Mental Debt Struggle...

Cherryfudge

That's good news on the social services lady. She seems to have looked at you in context and seen you have a lot to cope with, and I think she's got a good point when she says you may not have to go back to that job. You must have a lot of transferable skills, I'm sure many good employers must be looking for someone who has so much to offer.

And re the disability label - while you have a lot to contend with, you are a very able person who presents clearly and has analytical skills - that much I know from reading your diary! The health issues are real but they aren't the sum of you: the reality is you are someone who has some obstructions to work round but they won't stop you from getting where you need to be. If you have to do a bit of a detour such as a different employer, working from home or shorter hours, well, it may take a bit longer but for you that will be the right route.

I hope the pain management clinic is really useful. Sensible to arrive a bit early, and it may also give you the advantage of knowing one or two people when you start (and you'll all be in the same boat).

Makingabobor2

Agree with everything @Cherryfudge has said. Good luck with the pain management course. 

Keedie

Thank you for such kind words @Cherryfudge and @Makingabobor2, that really means a lot to me. Sometimes I get frustrated with all that I can't do or find difficulty with, that I often forget what I am able capable of. So thank you for the reminder. 

It was really good to meet with that lady from social services as she was very encouraging and she told me that I mustn't put a timeline on when I am aiming to returning to work. I should just focus on putting one foot in front of another, and if I have until April 2024 before I move into nil pay, then I shouldn't be at all focussed on trying to rush things. I have some leeway in terms of still having an income whilst I get back on my feet, and that I should be aiming to hit personal milestones that mark my recovery, in terms of routine, self care etc and that my goal should be feeling more like myself, and that has nothing to do with re-entering a toxic work environment. I'm trying to hold onto that and the comments and advice you've given Cherryfudge, so thank you.

I got the timetable for the pain management programme and it is intense! There's 4 physio sessions, 4 psychology sessions, 3 occupational therapy sessions and two nurse sessions in week one alone... 😩. I'm trying to keep positive and I'm so glad that I am arriving on Sunday. I definitely need to arrive well rested and seeing all that the programme entails, I know other people will be nervous too depending on their pain and fatigue baseline. It's very overwhelming but I’m so grateful for this opportunity and the possibility of genuinely being able to create a new way life instead of constantly grieving my old life.

Makingabobor2

That's exactly it....when you said "other people will be nervous".  You are in good company on this course and everyone will be feeling just as you do, nervous, overwhelmed & apprehensive. They will also possibly be tired from travelling.  The course organisers will realise this and take it all into account. I'm sure it will all go fine and be very beneficial to you. You may even meet others who you can stay in contact with and help each other out from time to time with reassurance etc. 
You really are doing so well and its wonderful that you don't really look on your life as full of problems. I know someone who has many problems both physical & mental and is doing nothing but wait for the NHS to help them out and taking so many pills for it all, they would rattle soon. Won't even consider any other form of therapy or even physio etc as just says these things don't work.  Basically gave up work in 40's, & claimed benefits.  

beanielou

I hope the pain management goes well.
I made life long friends on mine.

Keedie

I think I would literally go mad if I gave up on life @Makingabobor2, as hard as it is sometimes, life is worth fighting for. We never know when our time will be up. We need to live and not simply exist. Easier said than done at times, but always something to aim for. There are so many services and resources out there, and we're very lucky to have the NHS. Maybe your friend just hasn't found something that is a strong enough 'why' or anchor, to push them to take advantage of what is out there? My anchor has always been my son. I had to fight very hard to appear to be coping so that I could look after him, as I was always worried that he would be taken away from me, so I kept pushing even when I was struggling to do things mentally and physically. I didn't always get it right, and that in itself impacted him, but knowing that I had to keep going so that I could be the best mum to him as possible, in whatever limited capacity at times that I was battling, that's what has pushed me to always be as resourceful as I can.

I'm always scared I'll become too unwell to cope and I'll get sectioned or be completely unable to resume working. I was out of work for over 2 years from July 2016 to December 2018 and I had some good quality time with my son when we was in Year 5 and 6 and I settled him into Year 7. But that time that I spent with no job and on benefits rattled me. It's very easy to get used to that life. It works for some, but that is not a life I want to live, as I crave structure and having no routine was painful. I actually became more unwell because I felt untethered. And ironically, the fact that I wasn't coping is what led to my bipolar diagnosis in March 2018, so silver linings and all of that. But I appreciated the freedom to slowly build myself back up so that I could get a job, and not have the pressure of getting well enough to get back to a job. 

I guess I'm kind of in the same position now in that I am unable to work, but I have a job this time (even though I don't actually like it) and that has given me sick pay, albeit half pay now, and that certainty helps my anxieties around financial insecurity and instability. Surviving on benefits is very hard. I somehow made it work, but it made a difficult time even worse and left me with no motivation. I would probably benefit from making more of an effort now with pushing myself a little more to establish a proper baseline and routine, and hopefully between this pain programme and the mental health recovery college courses I'll slowly get there.

I got some money today from my freelancing. When I became unwell, I'd forgotten to send a final invoice and didn't even notice. The company that I was working with kindly contacted me to see if I was feeling well enough to invoice them (shocking I know!) and so it took me a while to work out what I had even done months ago, as my record keeping and timesheets that I usually kept were a bit all over the place. But I got there in the end and they sent me £760.50.

I spent an hour this evening working out all the business expenses for the next 6 months, like instant ink, Quickbooks, Microsoft business, the account fee etc and made some sinking funds with little pots in my Monzo Business account. It means that I don't have to think about anything until April 2024, as that is when I am hoping to start trading again. I put the rest in the pot for tax as I'd spent what I had accumulated. It's still not in a great state, but that's one less thing to think about as I was anxious about keeping all of that going. I need to sit down and do my tax return at some point in October, so that I know what I need to pay by 31 January 2024. I spent last year's tax money for the 2022-23 tax year, but Monzo allows me to automatically save a percentage of the income into a tax pot. So this year's money is there and I'd set it at 30% to include anything owed for national insurance, so I can always take some of that if needed to settle the tax bill. As I've not earned much at all this tax year and won't be freelancing for the foreseeable future, and my income is lower than initially anticipated this tax year due to the current half sick pay situation, the tax liability for 2023-24 won't be as much and it'll be for last tax year. So I'll be able to put it back before the July 2024 payment is due. Well that's what I've figured anyways.

Keedie

That gives me hope @beanielou, thank you. I've made friends with people at my monthly bipolar group and at the fibromyalgia clinic I went to earlier in the year, we set up a whatsapp group. So I guess this might be similar. I don't feel so nervous now 🤗.

AntoMac

You will be absolutely fine in your new group Keedie, because you are such a good and caring person. 
With so many challenges going on you are continuing to do amazingly well. 

I love that you got a massive unexpected bonus by forgetting to send that final invoice.
Keep going. You are a real inspiration to us 

Keedie

Thank you so much @AntoMac for such kind words of encouragement, that really means a lot to me. It's always a bit of an outer body experience to see how other people view you. Very heartwarming though. 

I was so happy with the final invoice as it just wasn't expected as I really wasn't in my right mind when I stopped freelancing, so it gives me a break from thinking about any expenses in that regard. I'll have to declare it with my universal credit, but as I'm earning a lot less, I'll still get more universal credit than when I was earning my normal wage. I've been setting aside all income this month (aside from that freelance money), so that I can stockpile money for next month's budget. One day, I would like to be truly one month ahead on bills, and once the debts are gone, I'll definitely be working towards that.

I had a lightbulb moment in the middle of the night last night, and worked out that the route my son takes to his college doesn't have to be as costly. He takes the tube to a train station and I just worked out/remembered, that the rail station is on a boundary line for travel zones in London. So as that station is both Zone 1 and Zone 2, he can use a Zone 2 to Zone 6 travelcard for £98 a month instead of Zone 1 to Zone 6 which is £142.90 a month 🥳. So once the pay as you go credit runs out on his 11-15 zip oyster card, I will buy him a travelcard on the new 16+ oyster card. This works out cheaper than pay as you go and he'll have no travel restrictions. He was so excited when I told him! He very rarely enters Zone 1 but if he does, then I will put pay as you go credit on there for him. It means I can reduce the travel budget from £200 a month to £150 a month and that will be enough petrol for my car and his monthly travelcard. I'll have a little bit of surplus from this month in the travel pot to roll over and as I am at hospital on and off for the next 3 weeks, I won't be driving anywhere really, so that'll definitely help the petrol stretch too 🤗.

Right I'm off to pack because my last load of laundry is finally dry. I'm checking in tomorrow afternoon and my son will help me with my suitcase and snacks, and then we're having some quality time together tomorrow and going to the cinema to watch Equalizer 3 together. He's got some vouchers for McDonald's so we'll be having a McD's dinner tomorrow and then I'll make my way back to stay at the hospital. Which means I need to catch up tonight and watch Equalizer 2 whilst I plait in some hair extensions so that I don't have to worry about hair stuff whilst I'm away. Not looking forward to the hair part as my right shoulder is very sore and it hurts to lift my arm. I'm gonna have to get some more paracetamol...

beanielou

Hope all goes well for you 😊