Sneaky lying husband and money

nomoredebt

Pollycat said:

I think the key point here is that he has been making major financial decisions for a number of years without involving his wife.
I personally would find that totally unacceptable in a relationship.

You have hit the nail on the head. It's the sneaky behaviour that's spanned 3 years that's my bug bear. 

nomoredebt

Maskface said:

Pollycat said:

I think the key point here is that he has been making major financial decisions for a number of years without involving his wife.
I personally would find that totally unacceptable in a relationship.

You'd probably also wonder why your husband found you so unapproachable that he couldn't talk to you about major financial decisions in the relationship.

It's been a problem throughout the marriage.  I think he received a letter from the Pension company saying he I now eligible to withdraw his money and he couldn't resist.  He just didn't plan on getting caught. 

nomoredebt

MalMonroe said:

Your husband is obviously very ill indeed - more than you realise - and it sounds as if he has been since before you met him.
 
Now, he has made a real mess of his life which has in turn had a devastating effect on you and your family.

He needs help and support and I don't mean just tablets. It doesn't sound as if he has anyone at all to turn to. No family, no friends, not even his wife. It doesn't seem as if you have talked to each other properly for years. What happened to the money he drew down and why can't you ask him to tell you?

He's just had a mental breakdown and a panic attack so bad that his employers felt it best to send him home. Yet you are impatient with him, want to kick him out and also 'kill him' and call him 'sneaky lying husband'. 

I'm a woman and my husband cheated on me and left me to raise our 9 year old alone so I do know what it's like to have a less than perfect partner but I do feel sorry for your husband, who is obviously at rock bottom right now. He needs help and support rather than disdain and disgust. His life seems very bleak and meaningless right now.

I know what that's like because a few years after my husband left I had a breakdown myself and it took me months to recover. Fortunately I was in a job where I was paid 6 months full pay and then 6 months at half pay but I wasn't ready to return to work after a matter of weeks.

Your husband could do worse than ask his GP for a referral to a counsellor. If he's as bad as you say, I don't think he's fit to go back to work on Monday. His case sounds so extreme that he could do with the support of a mental health team. He's been suffering from mental health problems for the last ten plus years and they haven't gone away yet because it doesn't seem that they have even been acknowledged properly.

Most people here are being quite harsh but I'd just like to ask if you could try to help him before things get even worse, if that's possible. Being harsh and treating him as if he is the worst person in the world won't help at all. He won't be able to change overnight and he won't be able to get better quickly either. He won't be thinking clearly or properly given the state of his mental health so that's probably why he hasn't apologised. He is ill and he needs your help. 

The depression and anxiety has been an issue for years.  

I would like to point out that at the time of me writing my original post I was in shock and feeling devestated that his selfish actions had caused such a big financial mess for us all.  I obviously am not going to kill anyone it was an emotional reaction.  As for kicking him out he is still here. 

For your information he was actually getting professional counselling from one of my colleagues who is a professionally trained physio therapist.  It was going well. 

I'm sorry to hear you have also suffered a mental breakdown.  I hope things are better for you now. 

Part of his mental breakdown I have since found out was because he knew he had to confess about the money.  The rest of it was work issues.  In a way it has worked out well as he has since sat and discussed all what was wrong at work and they have moved him to a different job role, he just needs to get in and see its different and won't be what it was like before (fingers crossed anyway).

He does have 1 good friend who he has confided in and I'm glad he has got him.

ironlady2022

Prob amn unpopular opinion, but he's lost your trust, prob a long time ago. And  separation is scary, but for the sake of yourself and the children it may be the best way forward. He's not considered you in any of this, and he needs to want to change etc and not just cut the grass for 'you' . That's him victimising himself and trying to guilt trip you. 

CottonTail

I think there is a possible elephant in the room which is... HAS A GAMBLING PROBLEM. Have you checked his credit file? I would do this without hesitation. He could have another bank account you don't know about and many many debts. The stress of gambling debts can tip men over the edge into mental health crisis. get his credit file asap and if he refuses to do so, that pretty much answers the question.

nomoredebt

I have now discovered he has a PayPal credit card with nearly £1000 on.  I only found out as I found the statement he had ripped up.  I confronted him with this and he blatenly denied having one.  I wouldn't tell him how I knew I just said I know.  He wouldn't talk about it and said all I need to know is that he is dealing with it (meaning he is trying to get the rest of his pension money to pay it and the mortgage off).  He also threw in that he was getting chest pains cos of it all which basically was him shutting the conversation down.

I am now barely speaking to him.  I don't know what to do.  He has no intention of moving out (he couldn't afford to even if he did want to) I can't trust him.  Every time he goes out I'm worried sick he is using his credit card. I just feel trapped.  After being in an iva with him for 6 years cos of his debt (this ended in 2016) he is now digging himself and us another money hole.

Basically over the last 3 years he has had £18000 from his pension and his credit card and nothing to show.  He says he isn't gambling but how can I believe him.  We now have no tax credits, I work part time, his tax code has gone up and he is bringing home over £200 less per month.  He just will not communicate. 

TBagpuss

nomoredebt said:

I have now discovered he has a PayPal credit card with nearly £1000 on.  I only found out as I found the statement he had ripped up.  I confronted him with this and he blatenly denied having one.  I wouldn't tell him how I knew I just said I know.  He wouldn't talk about it and said all I need to know is that he is dealing with it (meaning he is trying to get the rest of his pension money to pay it and the mortgage off).  He also threw in that he was getting chest pains cos of it all which basically was him shutting the conversation down.

I am now barely speaking to him.  I don't know what to do.  He has no intention of moving out (he couldn't afford to even if he did want to) I can't trust him.  Every time he goes out I'm worried sick he is using his credit card. I just feel trapped.  After being in an iva with him for 6 years cos of his debt (this ended in 2016) he is now digging himself and us another money hole.

Basically over the last 3 years he has had £18000 from his pension and his credit card and nothing to show.  He says he isn't gambling but how can I believe him.  We now have no tax credits, I work part time, his tax code has gone up and he is bringing home over £200 less per month.  He just will not communicate. 

It is a very disfficult situation. Only you can make the decision about whther you considerthat the marirage has broken down. If / when you deicde that, you can start the orocess of sorting out all the finacial and other issues. Within a divorce, youcan make an application for a finacial order and the court does have the power to do a range of things, including ordering that the house is sold and deciding how any sale proceeds are split, ordering a trnasfer of the house into one person's sole name, deciding who can live in the house, splitting pensions etc. 

In other words, while you can't just tell him to move out, you can start the process which can ultimately resolve those issues 

At the moment, from what you have said, it sounds as though he is still not in a place where he is willing either to acknowledge the problem he has, or to work to try to improve things (either the relationship with you, or the overall finacial position) 

I think it is natural to try to fix things - you have been together a long time, you have childnren. you have loved him and probably still do. However, you can only change you. You can't change him, or make him want to do the emptional or mental work needed to address the probelms together, or fix his mental health issues and addiction.

It's possible for you to accept that he is suffering from ilnesses that affect his beahviour, and still to decide that you canno longer live with that behaviour, or take responsibility for the effects of his actions. 

If he were willing to work with you, for instnace, by seeing a counsellor togehter, being open about the fincial issues so you could work out a debt management plan and plans for addressing th other issues, togethre, then that might be whatt you would chose to do, but you can't make him want todo those things, still less make him actually do them. 

He may well try to make you feel guilty, (if you decide to divorce him becuase of his actions, he gets to claim that you're the one the chose to end things) but that doesn't mena that it is the wrong choice or that you are at fault. 

Right noew , it soundsas though you care more about his recovery than he does.

WhiskersTheWonderCat

When you suffer from severe depression/mental health issues like your husband does, it's often the case that you spend money to make yourself feel better, while not thinking of the consequences of it. You just want a short-term fix to feel better. From what you have said, he's suffered with these mental health problems and getting into debt for most of this life. You accepted these issues when you got with him. I'm not suggesting that you have to continue accepting them, but it can't be that shocking that these issues have reoccurred. It might be best to call it a day, split your assets and move on. It seems to be hurting you, hurting your family, and also this situation isn't great for his mental wellbeing either. I'm thinking he probably feels as trapped as you do. 

CottonTail

I know life out there looks scary right now, but i think the obvious answer here is YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM. He is bringing absolutely nothing of value to you or your kids lives. Mental health struggle is not an excuse for his self centred and selfish behaviour. It might be an aspect but its not an excuse. He knows what hes doing is damaging his family and he still doesn't care. he needs to go and self destruct elsewhere.
Instruct a solicitor, get advice and look how to move forward. You need him out of your life and you need to stop sacrificing yourself for his behaviour. His struggles are his own, not your lifelong burden. Dont set an example to your kids of being a doormat. If this was your son or daughter , in your situation, would you advise them to stick with it? I think not.
best of luck!

deannagone

Its a very difficult situation, like others, one I have been in.  I didn't find a way to resolve it, change his behaviour etc.  My next partner was even worse so I obviously have serious judgement problems.

I sympathise totally with how you are feeling. While I take on board what some people have said about viewing this man sympathetically, you also have to protect yourself and your children.  Sympathy and support don't seem to be doing much to help this man change his behaviour, the OP has been trying this approach for years.

When my last partner ghosted me (once he realised he could get no more money out of me, he found someone else), while emotionally it was very damaging, financially I am better off and more stable than I have ever been.  And the immediate emotional impact of realising what an idiot I had been, how I'd worn blinkers so I couldn't see the dynamics of what was going on was truly awful, I now love my life of not being criticised or demeaned (often subtly) and now having choices, no more uncertainties emotionally or financially.  I can buy food for my children all the time now.  My children are a lot happier too.  I thought I was protecting them, but they saw what he was doing, how manipulative he was and it was affecting them. There's a saying, however long you have been with this man, ometimes the worst thing is to make it x years and one day more.  But obviously that's your decision. I would also be one to recommend some counselling.., for you to help you decide what you want to do.

Sorry to sound so hard.  Sending huge hugs to you x x x