Sneaky lying husband and money

london21

nomoredebt said:

Hi, I don't even know where to start.  I'm sorry but this could be a long post.  I would like to know you guys views on my pridiciment.  I have been married 16 years and we have 2 kids.  He has suffered from anxiety and depression for the last 10 years (probably longer) .  His mental health took a nosedive this past 3 weeks and he had a mental breakdown at work and nearly lost his job.  He was meant to go back last Monday but ended up having a panic attack when he got there and they sent him home.  He has been off this week on the sick and is hoping to go back Monday.  Amongst all this he changed his depression medication which has made his moods very erratic.  Anyway this time of year is tax credits renewal and I phoned them to go through it as I hadn't received my letter and they informed me that we won't be getting any this year as we have earnt too much.. I was v confused at this point as we wouldn't have earned any more than last year.  She explained there was a extra payment for £18000 received.  I just laughed as this was obviously incorrect.  Apparently from a pension fund.  I checked with the husband who knew 'nothing' about this.  I even asked him to contact the pension company to ask them to confirm it was a 'mistake'. Husband said they would send a letter to confirm.  Yesterday husband confessed he has over the last 3 years drawn down £6000 per year from his pension and he has none left.  Not only that he is in the process of drawing down another £10000!! I'm absolutely devestated.  We have 2 children and a mortgage.  He has only confessed as he has got caught.  He has said he will pay off the mortgage with the £10000 but only cos he has got caught.  He has nothing to show for the money he has received and will now not have a pension later in life.  I feel so lied and cheated on.  All I want to do is kick him out but cos of his mental state I'm scared of pushing him over the edge.  He is currently acting like nothing is the matter and I just want to kill him. I don't know what to do.  Also as he is now drawing that extra money out it will probably affect tax credits for next year as well so we will have basically nothing extra coming in for 2 years. He hasn't even apologised. 

Sorry you are going through this and hope things get better.

He really needs to get medical help if he is struggling with his mental health.

It would have come as a shock to find all this financial behaviour out, however do be open so he can disclose more information rather than hide important details.

Now that this is all in the open to you, communicate with each other and inform him how you are feeling.

You will both have to work together to make things work.

Wish you the best.

nomoredebt

Yes he has got help, he was on one type of anti depression/anxiety medication and has just switched to another which I think is taking effect now. 

I feel I have shut down I can hardly speak to him and he is just acting like it's all OK.  I think he thinks cos he has offered to pay the mortgage off everything is honky dory and because he didn't realise it would effect tax credits that's just a mistake.  I don't feel like I can trust him and feel so hurt that this deceit has gone on over 3 years. 

He actually cut the grass today and did the drying up.  He said he has cut the grass 'for me'.  He literally does nothing in the house normally.  When I have confronted him in the past about his lack of chores contribution he just goes on about how hard he works at work.

This is probably sounding like a man bashing but it's just how it is.  I'm sure I'm not perfect but I certainly pull my weight and don't lie and cheat. 

He has no family support, his mum and dad have both died and he doesn't speak to his brother so there is no one his side who can give him a good talking to.  

comeandgo

You mention he has no family support, what about you, do you have anyone you can confide in?  Would counselling help, would you be able to go as a couple?  My first husband could be very deceitful and would tell lies and it just killed any respect or love and even any liking of him.  You deserve better.

nomoredebt

I feel I have a lot of support. My work colleagues are amazing.  I have 2 great friends who I can vent to.  I haven't told my mum and dad yet.  I don't want to worry them.  My dad has prostate cancer and I don't want him to get stressed and I know if I tell him this he will be really cross at him.  I can talk to my brother.  They are in the process of moving closer to us so that will be good. 

This is the problem I just feel this is it between us but feel trapped.  I know if I say I want to separate he won't go easy.  but I deserve to be happy. 

robinwales

It sounds a very difficult situation. Honestly, I think the best thing you could do is try and get some professional advice about this, but I don't know where. Citizens Advice or Relate? People with mental health problems can be very difficult to deal with. I should know as I've had a problem for the past 55 years, but thankfully I have managed to keep on top of things. Best of luck to you.

prowla

better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, ...

Marvel1

Hope it get all sorted.

What caught my eye was the kicking him out of the house part, is it his house too? That would be wrong, but that's just my opinion when both people own it.

Maskface

It does seem the real issue here is neither of you appear to communicate very well. Having a stroke can change a person into someone they weren't before. Perhaps that was the start of things going wrong as a couple? I'd be concerned that he cannot even account for where the money has gone. It doesn't just disappear.

RAS

The issue seems to pre-date the stroke? By that time there were substantial debts that required an IVA, with all the financial implication that has.

Giving his missus the bank card then and then opening new accounts does suggest a more recent lack of communication about his needs but that may well be a longer term issue?

nomoredebt

Marvel1 said:

Hope it get all sorted.

What caught my eye was the kicking him out of the house part, is it his house too? That would be wrong, but that's just my opinion when both people own it.

Marvel1 said:

Hope it get all sorted.

What caught my eye was the kicking him out of the house part, is it his house too? That would be wrong, but that's just my opinion when both people own it.

Yes it's his house too but we have 2 kids who should not have to suffer for his constant stupidly.  He did what he did in the knowledge that he thought he was never going to get caught.   I know it's his pension money but we have been married for 16 years.  If I got a sum of money my first thought would be how can this benefit us.