Sneaky lying husband and money

RAS

What might well be sensible is to sit with him and check his NI record and see if he can buy any extra years towards his state pension if he has a shortfall? Needs a passport or driving license to do it on-line and his NI number.

Voluntary national insurance contributions (moneysavingexpert.com)

If you put his pension money back in any other pension, likelihood is he'll draw it down again. If you add to his state pension, as least he'd have basic financial support. 

Maskface

Pollycat said:

I think the key point here is that he has been making major financial decisions for a number of years without involving his wife.
I personally would find that totally unacceptable in a relationship.

You'd probably also wonder why your husband found you so unapproachable that he couldn't talk to you about major financial decisions in the relationship.

Maskface

Savvy_Sue said:

OP, get yourself to Relate or similar, they will see you on your own. Work out what you need in order to trust him again, and if the answer is that the trust has gone, nothing will fix it, then think about what's best for you and the children.

I agree not to put that money towards the mortgage just now, you may well need it without the tax credits.

But regardless of the past deceit it's his pension until it is either drawn or awarded to her, the fact he has been deceitful with other monies is a separate issue. Conflating the two could provoke a refusal from him to cooperate in any future financial or relationship issues. If they are going to split then even done through the courts it won't be given to her to squirrel away just like that. One of them needs to be sensible here and not lower themselves to his level of deceit. If they split up she's going to get financial assistance from the state anyway while she deals with the fallout and the last thing she needs is a deceitful AND uncooperative ex.

MalMonroe

Your husband is obviously very ill indeed - more than you realise - and it sounds as if he has been since before you met him.
 
Now, he has made a real mess of his life which has in turn had a devastating effect on you and your family.

He needs help and support and I don't mean just tablets. It doesn't sound as if he has anyone at all to turn to. No family, no friends, not even his wife. It doesn't seem as if you have talked to each other properly for years. What happened to the money he drew down and why can't you ask him to tell you?

He's just had a mental breakdown and a panic attack so bad that his employers felt it best to send him home. Yet you are impatient with him, want to kick him out and also 'kill him' and call him 'sneaky lying husband'. 

I'm a woman and my husband cheated on me and left me to raise our 9 year old alone so I do know what it's like to have a less than perfect partner but I do feel sorry for your husband, who is obviously at rock bottom right now. He needs help and support rather than disdain and disgust. His life seems very bleak and meaningless right now.

I know what that's like because a few years after my husband left I had a breakdown myself and it took me months to recover. Fortunately I was in a job where I was paid 6 months full pay and then 6 months at half pay but I wasn't ready to return to work after a matter of weeks.

Your husband could do worse than ask his GP for a referral to a counsellor. If he's as bad as you say, I don't think he's fit to go back to work on Monday. His case sounds so extreme that he could do with the support of a mental health team. He's been suffering from mental health problems for the last ten plus years and they haven't gone away yet because it doesn't seem that they have even been acknowledged properly.

Most people here are being quite harsh but I'd just like to ask if you could try to help him before things get even worse, if that's possible. Being harsh and treating him as if he is the worst person in the world won't help at all. He won't be able to change overnight and he won't be able to get better quickly either. He won't be thinking clearly or properly given the state of his mental health so that's probably why he hasn't apologised. He is ill and he needs your help. 

Pollycat

Maskface said:

Pollycat said:

I think the key point here is that he has been making major financial decisions for a number of years without involving his wife.
I personally would find that totally unacceptable in a relationship.

You'd probably also wonder why your husband found you so unapproachable that he couldn't talk to you about major financial decisions in the relationship.

No, I wouldn't.
Because he wouldn't find me unapproachable.
Because we have shared our money - and financial decisions - over the last 35+ years.

Maskface

Pollycat said:

Maskface said:

Pollycat said:

I think the key point here is that he has been making major financial decisions for a number of years without involving his wife.
I personally would find that totally unacceptable in a relationship.

You'd probably also wonder why your husband found you so unapproachable that he couldn't talk to you about major financial decisions in the relationship.

No, I wouldn't.
Because he wouldn't find me unapproachable.
Because we have shared our money - and financial decisions - over the last 35+ years.

And this couple clearly haven't, which is why what you may find unacceptable might not be the one size that fits all. 

Pollycat

Maskface said:

Pollycat said:

Maskface said:

Pollycat said:

I think the key point here is that he has been making major financial decisions for a number of years without involving his wife.
I personally would find that totally unacceptable in a relationship.

You'd probably also wonder why your husband found you so unapproachable that he couldn't talk to you about major financial decisions in the relationship.

No, I wouldn't.
Because he wouldn't find me unapproachable.
Because we have shared our money - and financial decisions - over the last 35+ years.

And this couple clearly haven't, which is why what you may find unacceptable might not be the one size that fits all. 

And that will be up to the OP to decide.
I specifically said "I personally...'.
That is based on being married to a 'sneaky, lying husband' for over 10 years.

The OP asked for "views on my pridiciment."
I gave my view.

sammyjammy

nomoredebt said:

Thank you for your advice.  I am currently working 22 hours per week/40 weeks per year.  It works great with the kids as I can be there for them before/after and in (nearly all) the school hdays holidays.  10 years ago my husband had a stroke which resulted in him loosing his job.  He had debts and we had the mortgage so we went into an iva for 6 years which was really hard.  He gave me his bank card (I never asked for it or even thought about having it) as he was spending money in his account he didn't have.  Since that day money wise we have been spot on.  I even managed to save a small amount for a just in case fund (only just over £1000).  We arranged it that he had money for spends every week and fuel.  I said if he ever wants/needs anything just to say and I can see what we have.  If the cars ever needed repairs that was always sorted.  It was a case of if we need it and we have it then you can get it.  But he went behind my back loads and just orderd stuff online anyway.  We don't have any joint accounts he has never wanted one. This money he has spent from his pension was never used to provide anything for us, no food, no bills, no clothing for the kids or even a holiday which he could have easily treated us with.  He probably gambled it in the slots (he said he didn't but can't believe a word he says).

Yes I am over 40 so will have a look into that.

He is acting like everything is OK.  I feel sick with worry. 

I'm guessing we won't be eligible for the £650 cost of living payment either now we are getting zero tax credits this year. 

You could end your tax credits claim and claim Universal Credit if you are eligible.

gwynlas

As previously stated your husband depression is not going to be fixed by a course of tablets and I should imagine the worse case scenario is that he is likely to be managed out of his job and with his age and illness he is unkilely to get another one.You need to decide if you are prepared to stick with him regardless or divorce. Having children at 50  with all the responsibility that brings is hard particularly if they are his first, he will be an OAP with them maybe still in full time education. You both need to decide if you could become the major breadwinner whilst he steps up to be a SAHD and properly takes on all the responsibilities that entails. Any money issues in the meantime are simply a symptom of what is going on beneath the reality of your life.

Northern_Tribe

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. My ex-husband did something similar to your husband but in his case, he continually took out debt on credit cards and loans. We worked very hard to pay it back together, or at least I thought we did. I found out he ran up debts again without telling me. To this day I have no idea what he spent the money on, there was nothing to show for the £1000s of pounds he spent. 

 The children and I had to go without so much, we didn't have a holiday for years, we couldn't afford a car, and our furniture and even our clothes were mainly second hand and hand me downs. All the time he was spending on I have no idea what. The stress when I found out the amount of debt the second time around nearly killed me. He refused point blank to discuss it and would get angry or just walk out of the house if I tried.

I really get how you feel, the anger and betrail when you have worked so hard through the IVA. Will he go to Relate or other counselling? If not this is a huge red flag that he does not see his behaviour as a problem. Mental health is a horrible issue to deal with and your husband has also had to deal with physical illness as well. But it does not give him permission to lie to the person in the whole world he should be honest to, not once but repeatedly.

In the end, we seperated because he just wouldn't recognise he had done anything wrong. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. What you should do now is not an easy decision; if you can give yourself time. Try to persuade him to go for counselling but if he refuses, go yourself. You need to talk to someone to help you see clearly and help you chart a way forward whether you stay with him or not.

Best wishes.