Debt and Caring

savingholmes

Sounds a tough week. That sucks about your brother acting unkind.

Sorry about the work being cancelled for a few weeks. You will get there.

I am watching that series and am now hooked. Definitely want to get mortgage free/neutral faster so have more choices.

Hugs

WelshmansDaughter

Thanks BM and SH.
The best thing I can say about it is that it was warm and dry. I'm 90% sure that dad was asleep for the entire time he was there. 
It was just a people warehouse.

Both my siblings are quite unkind. They strike like rattlesnakes when confronted with anything they don't want to hear. Have been entertaining myself with thoughts of throwing their words back in their faces at some point but honestly I'm just going to live my life as best I can. Without them featuring too much in it.

This morning I started with trying to do a gail budget 🤣
Which tells me I can't afford my flat. But looking at the figures by percentage is interesting. I would be unlikely to spend 15% of my income on transportation as the number for that was insane. Of course now it's zero % as I don't contribute to the car and public transport is free. 

Cherryfudge

I've been reading and lurking, but now I'm up to date: I'm so sorry to hear your siblings are sharp-tongued. It's hard to rise above that so well done on not letting them dictate your response.

You're doing a great job: I love the before and after photos! Of course, we don't see your Dad, but I think if you had pictures of him with your care and how he would have been had you not stepped in, those would be the most eye-opening. That's not to say residential care and respite aren't important. They have a vital role to play and people who need to use them shouldn't feel guilty, but as your Dad's carer I imagine your understanding of him and what he likes makes a huge difference. (Speaking as someone whose parents both went into residential care eventually, and who works in the care sector, I've seen both sides of the coin, and good residential care can be the right thing at the right time).

WelshmansDaughter

Hi and welcome Cherryfudge. I always get a jolt when I realize people are actually reading this.
I've asked for a specialist respite the next time as I have finally gotten sensible about my limits so hopefully there is one that is set up to cater for someone like dad. The casual cruelty of parking him in front of the TV when you know he is blind and has dementia is something I can't quite believe. I didn't have high expectations but there were things that he has to have done that they didn't do. When they knew about it. And I had provided a binder with all of his information in it. Phew rant over.
Oh wait no, yes my brother is a douchenozzle. He just got up and told my mom that dad was asking for help and could she deal with it because the match was going into penalties...

badmemory

Please try not to blame the actual carers too much.  They could well not have been told even a fraction of what we would expect & can only do & have time to do what their bosses tell them to do.  They often lack training.  The home my mother was in, they employed a new assistant manager.  She had never worked with ANY elderly let alone ones with dementia.  She had worked in a nursery.  She thought it right to try to train them like you would toilet train a toddler.  She annoyed a lot of visitors but no-one seemed to actually be doing anything/telling anyone.  Muggins landed up being the one who had to draw her aside discretely & explain to her that yes toddlers need toilet training however what she was dealing with was the equivalent of a toddler on its way back to being a baby & that she shouldn't get cross anymore than she would if a baby wet its nappy.  Thankfully she didn't hold it against me (or Mum) & it did have a really good effect, but she didn't stay long at all.

Love the name for your brother by the way.  Never heard it before, but I may well use it.

WelshmansDaughter

I had a meal plan this week! And it was stuck to the fridge and everything. Turns out though that lidl best before dates are more optimistic than calendar based. So turkey burgers that smelt like vinegar went into the bin. But I swapped in turkey sausages then forgot I put bread rolls in the oven to defrost. And then I forgot I made broccoli. So an annoyingly poo dinner or a masterpiece of substitution depending on how lidl (optimistic) you are.

The bread rolls were turned into bread and butter pudding. Which I ate with macadamia nut ice cream. Followed by a bag of jellies and a fruit and nut bar. And it wasn't the first bag of jellies either. I am not proud of that. 

Going back to work today was like re entry to Earth's atmosphere. Enhanced by the little one suddenly sliding off the kitchen stool and landing on the floor, giving me and herself a shock. Unhurt thankfully. 

TDDUP is still my go to watch but it is starting to pall. Although that may have been because I tried to make a 5 year plan and just had a blank page... I did start watching extreme cheapskates. 

WelshmansDaughter

Oops cross posted badmemory. I only encountered two of the carers, one of whom told him to say bye bye to the doggie like he was 3 years old. 
The sense I got from the people I spoke to was that they weren't going to bother with him because he was only there for a week. And the policy of the home was concerning as well, they had routines for doing things rather than tailoring to the individual. Which is not necessarily bad for people who can make their needs known bit for dad it was very demoralising and de-skilling. He wasn't taken to the toilet or helped to walk. And worse of all, when we went to pick him up he was slurring his words because nobody was speaking to him the whole time he was there. With dementia, you use it or you lose it.  

badmemory

WelshmansDaughter said:

With dementia, you use it or you lose it.  

You do indeed.

One reason I will not be going in a care home is because they just don't employ enough or train them enough to do the job that they should be doing.  The carers will always get the blame but it is the home owners who won't or can't afford at those rates to employ enough people to do the job properly.   It was why we always insisted on my mother having visitors every single day.  Yes she did de-skill but not as quickly as she did during the fortnight she was in hospital.  That was what did the bulk of the damage.

savingholmes

It does sound like your siblings are uber annoying - and the respite place too. 

Glad you had some light relief with little one today - although I'm sure that was exhausting and challenging in its own way too.

Cherryfudge

I can see where the care home was coming from (having worked in a couple of care homes) - under-resourced and understaffed - but care that isn't centred on the individual is really against first principles. I don't know if CQC (Care Quality Commission) operates in your area, or what the alternative is, but you could feed back via a body like this or at least to the management. Be specific as you have been here.

I wonder if there's anyone who could recommend an alternative place from their own experience? Some are lovely: my father in law was able to vocalise the strengths and weaknesses of the ones he stayed in (I joked with him that he could write on care homes for Tr!p Advisor as he'd had stays in so many following hospital admissions). He definitely had his favourites!