Debt and Caring

savingholmes

I am glad you are finding it rewarding - I am in the higher age bracket... 

On hair - I love spiky hair in a morning - gives it texture and uniqueness. People think I plan it that way...

WelshmansDaughter

I do not yet have experience of a care home badmemory and indeed, hope I never do.
It does seem like it just exchanges one form of stress for another. Although it is important to maintain skills sometimes it gets in the way of adaptations that are more intuitive to the person and cause them less cognitive fatigue.

badmemory

I had just turned 66 when my mother needed care.  There is no way I would have been able to help someone who refused to walk by then.  It was all very sudden, she had had a cleaner for a few years, more because of her eyesight than anything, broke her hip & spent 2 weeks in hospital.  Came out of hospital & couldn't remember how to make a cup of tea.  That combined with the refusing to walk thing made it impossible for her to stay at home.  I still have nightmares about that home visit & am very grateful that my sister was there too, as I am not sure she would have believed me.  They say she hadn't had a stroke too, which is what we had started to believe.  I will never (& neither will my sister) be going into a care home.  Not because of the care home itself.  If I am that bad that I can't organise stuff for myself at home I will make sure I am "nowhere".  No criticism of care homes some people are totally content there, even with no dementia.

GhibliFan

WelshmansDaughter said:

That being said, I find other things much harder to cope with. I'm sad that my father doesn't get to have outings with friends, to get up and make himself a cup of coffee, to start a conversation...
Every time somebody tells me that it is hard I say the same thing- it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done. 

I'm glad you posted this.  I used to resent so many aspects of being the carer - the loss of freedom, the constant worry and having to be "on alert", the broken sleep and the never ending drudgery of household chores and toilet clean ups.  When anybody would say "it's a privilege to care for a loved one", I thought they must be one of those saintly, naturally caring and selfless types, not like me at all.  

 I'm ashamed of how long it took me to understand the truth of those words. It really is a privilege to be able to make life better and easier for the person you care for.  Giving them security just by being there and soothing some of the fear and anxiety that Dementia brings.  When I finally realised this, it made life much easier for both of us - I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to learn.

WelshmansDaughter

I had just finished reading the reluctant carer and it made me quite reflective. I did think the author was a whiny f**ker but at the same time, found myself nodding ruefully in agreement.
I have come to the conclusion that caring is something that you have to constantly rededicate yourself to. There is no reference book or roadmap. And besides the basics, there may come a point where all you can do is be there for someone.

doingitanyway

I have been a carer and it was hard at times. Sometimes very hard. But it is still the best thing I ever did. It was sad and brilliant, funny and tragic, tiring and an absolute honour.  I didn't know I had it in me but I did. Now the person I cared for has died it helps with my grief to know we had that time together.

Sometimes being there is all you can do. And it can be enough.

WelshmansDaughter

It will come as a surprise to no one that the first day of my trip did not go as planned. 
And that I am woeful at planning. The charity collection was cancelled after I realized that I would need to stop and sleep on the drive up through Scotland. Ended up at my flat 4 hours later than I thought.
With some help from my 80 year old legendary neighbour the front garden is mostly clear and a pile of junk ready for collection by a waste company tomorrow.
It is a much bigger job than I thought. Much bigger. 
Not all doom and gloom though. I have a beautiful crop of red apples on my apple tree which is a first. Blackberries have taken over the garden but I cut a few for eating before hacking them down. I saw a friend (and palmed a lot of stuff off on her) 
I also saw my nephew and am now parked at the beach in my cosy little van. 

WelshmansDaughter

I spent a lot of money. 
Waste disposal: 179.99
Pret: 60
Diesel:165
Travel: 10
Snacks: 20

Honestly the waste disposal was worth it, it was two guys working and they cleared the whole pile by themselves in less than 15 minutes. And it was a huge pile of stuff. The stuff that had been outside in the front garden is now all gone, as well as some stuff from the house. I wasn't able to clear as much from the flat as I wanted. There are things that need going through like paperwork, and then there were things that I didn't want to end up at the tip like a violin. If I have to, I can throw it all out but I'd rather things like that went to someone who could use it. Which I didn't have time for on this trip. But I've done enough now for a sense of closure and I can move onto other projects.
My finances are in a mess again. So the next job is to gather it all up into some sort of usable format and make sure I don't have to keep making decisions about what to spend my money on. 

doingitanyway

Well done. You made good progress with clearing things. 

savingholmes

That sounds like huge progress.

Good you saw a friend and family.

Well done for letting things go. 

Good luck with rebalancing your finances.