Should I charge my son keep?

Jude57

pollypenny said:

This girl seems like an entitled madam.  One thing struck me was that maybe she's thinking of going alone in the hope that the council will house her and the two children. 

Ah, yes, the mythical 3 bed semi on a nice, quiet estate, all paid for by ' the Council'. As we know, it's more likely to be one room in a grotty B&B that's not necessarily even in the same county. If this young woman is so convinced that she can get social housing, I'd recommend she visits their local housing providers to get a real wake up call. 

It's rare for all the comments to agree as unanimously as they do here, OP. I'd also say that I don't see your son's relationship with his girlfriend lasting long term. She sounds very immature, arguing with an 11 year old, and will no doubt see your son agreeing that they should be paying something towards the household as siding with you against her. If she was shouldering the burden of the housework when the other 3 adults are out at work that would be something but it sounds as though she makes no positive contribution to the home at all.

HampshireH

The post above me says that the girlfriend sounds very immature but I think both she and your son do. To both decide another baby is sensible when they don't have a home and don't have any outgoing as you re paying for it all.

Tell the girlfriend your son was raised to pay his way and as an adult with a family he needs to pay for them too.

Personally I'd be seeing them down explaining how life works and setting a realistic rent.

After all they are adult enough to be bringing a second child into YOUR home.

Also arguing with your 11 year old? She needs to wind it in

theoretica

What have your son and partner spent their money on?  I think it is wrong for them to be subsidised by you and end up having more free spending money than you do.  They should be paying at least what they are costing you - their share of food, increased utility bills etc - and either a contribution on top, or if you feel very kind providing proof they are putting significant sums into savings.

Shelldean

HampshireH said:

The post above me says that the girlfriend sounds very immature but I think both she and your son do. To both decide another baby is sensible when they don't have a home and don't have any outgoing as you re paying for it all.

Tell the girlfriend your son was raised to pay his way and as an adult with a family he needs to pay for them too.

Personally I'd be seeing them down explaining how life works and setting a realistic rent.

After all they are adult enough to be bringing a second child into YOUR home.

Also arguing with your 11 year old? She needs to wind it in

The thing is we don't know if they both agreed to a second child.....or if maybe the pill was forgotten accidentally on purpose If you catch my drift?
This does happen. Friends sons just slightly older than OP 'a son had a first child. He then believed his partner was on North control. Which she was at first. However SHE wanted a second child. So the birth control was forgotten.


But I agree with your other points.

And OP quite right to ask for a contribution. 

Sky_

Eilatan50 said:

Looking for opinions on my current situation. My son and his girlfriend - 19 years old and their 2 year old baby live with me. Me and my husband both work full time and have two other children aged 10 and 11. 

My son and his little family moved back in with me a few months ago after struggling to afford their rented home and bills. I took them back in as I rent a large house with room for them. They were on universal credit and I didn’t ask them to contribute to any bills. I provide all food and most weeks buy nappies wipes etc.
My son has just got a new job, not fab paid but I suggested that he starts to pay me £50 a week as a token towards rising costs and basically living bill free isn’t giving him much responsibility. He agreed, however his girlfriend has said she’s not paying and she will buy food separately she’d rather move out. My son is now torn and I’m hurt after supporting them they wouldn’t consider contributing. She commented that she would never charge her child to live with her. Me and my husband are on average wages and really just about make ends meet. 

Am I in the wrong?

Ask your son to remind her that she is not your child! As a parent herself, she should be helping to provide financial support for her own children, as well as supporting herself.  She sounds manipulative and very happy with the current situation, which s supported by her decision to have another child.  I agree that you've been far too nice and could do with setting some boundaries, such as a time limit for them to move out again and for her to stop reacting to and/or antagonising your 11 year old.

Does she at least make a good contribution to the housework and cooking, since she is the only non-working adult in the house? 

I do like the suggestion that she asks her own parents to house them for a while. Even a couple of weeks would give you all a break from each other and might give her a much needed wake up call..

tooldle

As hard as it may be, try not to engage with each as individuals. Talk to them as a couple, keep it neutral I.e., this is the position, this is what I need from you etc. Don’t allow the situation to develop into ‘good son’ and ‘bad girlfriend’ . They are a unit, keeping the conversation that way allows non attribution of blame on an individual, and gives room for them to backdown. 

Just another thought, you need the money to keep going. Could you explore a phased approach with them and through that try to understand what the issue is? I really need £50 per week and we could, if £50 is difficult start at £30 this week, £35 the next etc. Can you help me to understand why £50 is hard for you, perhaps I might be able to help you explore options , solutions etc. Hard if you are unhappy with both but try to think of the long game.

prowla

Ah - the entitlement of youth; the problem is that the son & partner are not adults.

Whilst it is tough on those younger generations these days, at least as far as finding a home, so they are between a rock and a hard place.

I've got my eldest living at the hotel-del-dad at the moment; he's aiming to find the right job and get his own place, but it's not easy.

I also help my youngest out at uni, as that's not easy either; when I went, there were no fees and I got a grant, but times have changed and governments don't want to invest in skills as essential to the nation's future.

Overall, it's good or even essential to help out our kids, but it's not always easy.

It's also incumbent upon them to show a bit of humility and respect.

Petriix

I'm going to go against the grain here. None of the comments acknowledge that it's incomparable for a young family to survive today in contrast to even a few years ago. Sounds like they're in a tricky position, but trying to find their feet.

It's great that you're supporting them - they would likely be destitute without that support. People asking what they spend their money on have obviously not experienced the misery of Universal Credit; the idea that they have any spare money is laughable. The truth is that every penny you ask from them will be reducing their already low means to provide for their kids in the long run.

They do need to learn to budget, and you can help with that. My suggestion is that you ask for a contribution, but that you squirrel whatever they pay away and save it up for them, paying it back when they are ready to go it alone.

Also see if your son qualifies for a Help to Save account via his Universal Credit as it's free bonus money which might make a big difference. 

sheramber

Mum buys all the food and nappies and wipes for the baby. They may no rent, council tax, water rates, utilities.

There is not much left in the way of necessities to buy with their UC.

Families have to support themselves on the same amount.

Mum and dad have their younger children to keep plus all the bills. The bank of mum and dad may not be able to finance all that.

Time for the youngsters to realise what the real world  costs.

elsien

Petriix said:

I'm going to go against the grain here. None of the comments acknowledge that it's incomparable for a young family to survive today in contrast to even a few years ago. Sounds like they're in a tricky position, but trying to find their feet.

It's great that you're supporting them - they would likely be destitute without that support. People asking what they spend their money on have obviously not experienced the misery of Universal Credit; the idea that they have any spare money is laughable. The truth is that every penny you ask from them will be reducing their already low means to provide for their kids in the long run.

They do need to learn to budget, and you can help with that. My suggestion is that you ask for a contribution, but that you squirrel whatever they pay away and save it up for them, paying it back when they are ready to go it alone.

Also see if your son qualifies for a Help to Save account via his Universal Credit as it's free bonus money which might make a big difference. 

All the more reason not to have a second child till they are back on their feet, surely?