Should I charge my son keep?

darrensurrey

She's going to cut off her nose to spite her face?

Can I move in instead? I'll pay £55pw so that's £5 more and I don't need babywipes. 😁

sheramber

Personally, I would tell her she can pay it until she moves out.

sammyjammy

Why is a grown woman arguing with your 11 year old child?  She is a guest in your house.  I think you've been way too soft, UC is paid to enable them to buy their own food and needs, if they aren't paying for any of those and they are still spending it in a week what are they spending it on.  If the job is fairly low paid he is probably still getting a UC top up.

Pollycat

Eilatan50 said:

Thank you all - you’ve made me feel sane!!
I should add that if they were saving for a deposit or for housing costs I would defo consider that. However when in receipt of Universal credit, it would all be spent within a week of receiving it, I don’t think his wages will be any different. 

She is also pregnant again. I was over obliging with the first baby as my son was 16 and had just left school. I wanted him to take responsibility so I contributed to all baby items, but I can’t do that again. 

I agree that she’s probably not happy with the domestic situation, I would hate it. There are arguments daily between her and my 11 year old. It’s my son who is very comfortable here, he doesn’t want to leave. She would leave tomorrow. 

My son said he’s giving me the money regardless, he is shocked at her attitude towards the situation. I will take the advice  and I think we need a good honest chat. 

Thank you all

They both need to learn how to budget and live within their means.
By funding their lifestyle you are allowing them to be feckless, which will do them no good in the long term.
Why were they 'struggling to afford their rented home and bills'?
Not enough income or poor budgeting skills?
If she has run her own home and been paying rent & bills and buying food, she should understand and appreciate how generous you have been.
If she feels that paying £55 per week for 2 adults and one baby (with another on the way) is too much, suggest they go and live with her parents.

Have they had a discussion with you about what they expect to happen when this 2nd child is born?

As sammyjammy asks "why is she arguing with an 11 year old?"
You have a bigger obligation to your other 2 children - who are still children - than to your adult son and his girlfriend.
You may be building up resentment towards you in those children.

littlegreenparrot

I am staggered that they have not been paying you any keep, you are absolutely right to ask for it. 

I understand that it's easier said than done, but you need to try to have a full and frank conversation and leave the emotion out of it.  Try to engineer the other children being out of the house. Sit down with them and lay it out. They must know about the rising cost of everything, just as well as you do. 

Explain the numbers, you have been happy to help them out, but are struggling and this is what you need. I'd probably take the opportunity to discuss their expectations of you for the second baby as well.

Regardless, you need to be very clear so that there is no possibility for a 'but I didn't know, you never said so' tantrum further down the line. Give a time frame of when it needs to happen - 'From the end of next week I need...'

Any argument about it can be met with a simple, 'sorry you feel that way - this is how it is. Your welcome to look at your options.'
Don't engage with it. 

It is unreasonable to expect you to look after them indefinitely with no contribution, and apparently no plans to change the situation. You can remind them if necessary that you are allowed to have a life yourself! 

[Deleted User]

Hi,

they're are getting it easy just now.

Your son sounds reasonable, and good on him sticking with the girl and child at a young age.

Where are her parents in the picture?

 

Brie

Maybe you could talk to them about how they will need to budget to have their own place using yours as an illustration.  That way you are "helping" them to move out (sort of) at the same time as helping them realise how much you are paying and the benefit they have been getting free of charge.  

We moved in with my inlaws about 30 years back on a temporary basis.  7 years later we left.  I didn't always like living there, wanted more privacy and a place of our own but couldn't afford it.  MiL asked for £75 a week towards bills and food and then would give some back whenever we did our own shopping.  Big bonus was that she did all the laundry and ironed everything, including knickers!!

T.T.D

A very difficult situation, your Sons partner seems very engrossed in her own needs and wants to consider others in the wider picture.

Their UC should be lasting them more than a month if there is no food and bills obligations, saying that we don’t know if they’re  paying any debts off or advances or over-payments that could be drastically reducing their income. 

I would not be letting her be combative with an 11 year old and I would state if she initiates another row with a child she’d be in my bad books, but again we don’t know if the 11 year old is initiating or reacting in this scenario but as an adult your Sons partner should be shrugging off argumentative 11yr olds and being the mature one and disengaging. 

 I would be instructing my children to filter their feelings towards me rather than her so any argument can be mitigated before they happen (also give her less ammunition to fire at your Son) after all this guest would be there at my invitation, and they had no say in the matter so their anger should be directed in my direction, that’s only fair in my eyes.

I know others have said that charging them lodge would prolong their ability to move out, but if this is coming at a cost to the harmony and calmness and mental well-being of you, your husband and children and causing conflict and contempt in other areas of the family to the point it’s making life difficult then you need to ask yourself a very difficult question where are you going to draw the line?

Doom_and_Gloom

I want to put this into perspective for you. My OH and I lived with my parents for a while between rentals in 2008 and we gave my parents £60 a week for both of us to include basic food at the time. My parents broke even on that so it was fine. We always made sure we were paying our share and we would have upped it if we were not. 

As you say £50 is certainly a token payment. My sister lives with my parents now and her keep, with no food included, is £50 a week! I'm not sure if my parents break even on that and if they do it will be barely. That is one adult. Not two adults and a baby with you buying soo much for them.
She needs to be put in her place in my honest opinion. If she doesn't like it then I'm sure she knows where the door is. You can't be expected to pay for another family on top of your own. That isn't fair on you. Life isn't free which she should know as they had their own place for a while yes?

Maybe sit them both down and go through the added costs so she especially can see what they are costing.

pollypenny

This girl seems like an entitled madam.  One thing struck me was that maybe she's thinking of going alone in the hope that the council will house her and the two children.