Should I charge my son keep?

[Deleted User]

Looking for opinions on my current situation. My son and his girlfriend - 19 years old and their 2 year old baby live with me. Me and my husband both work full time and have two other children aged 10 and 11. 

My son and his little family moved back in with me a few months ago after struggling to afford their rented home and bills. I took them back in as I rent a large house with room for them. They were on universal credit and I didn’t ask them to contribute to any bills. I provide all food and most weeks buy nappies wipes etc.
My son has just got a new job, not fab paid but I suggested that he starts to pay me £50 a week as a token towards rising costs and basically living bill free isn’t giving him much responsibility. He agreed, however his girlfriend has said she’s not paying and she will buy food separately she’d rather move out. My son is now torn and I’m hurt after supporting them they wouldn’t consider contributing. She commented that she would never charge her child to live with her. Me and my husband are on average wages and really just about make ends meet. 

Am I in the wrong?

elsien

It’s not unreasonable to ask for a contribution towards costs  - any particular reason why the girlfriend thinks it’s ok to be living completely free on other people’s money? 

If they couldn’t afford to live  independently before, what makes her think she’d be able to do so now given that nothing else has changed? 

They will not find a place anywhere else on £50 a week. Silly girl. 

I paid keep as soon as I started earning and it was comparatively a heck of a sight more than £50 a week for 2 adults and one child. 

MalMonroe

No, you are not in the wrong.  As elsien, above, says, they'll never get anywhere to live for £50 a week. What a shame. Is there any way you and your husband can sit down and talk with the two of them? Your son's girlfriend is acting like a child and she has a child herself. Can your son talk any sense into her? (I had to laugh when she said she'd never charge her child to live with her. She's living rent free with you!)

I know it's not easy living with in-laws but it won't be forever and when you have your own family you really shouldn't expect to live anywhere rent-free. It's going to cost them a lot more to live on their own. 

But maybe it's time for them to move out now and see how they manage, before any major arguments or disruptions happen. You could always offer them a place to stay (with rent though) if things don't turn out as they hope.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

wonder if the girlfriends parents would be happy to give them free accommodation/meals and extras?

cymruchris

I'd be charging more than £50 a week based on what you're covering for them.

As much as you want to look after them, it seems like the gf probably isn't enjoying the domestic situation, and this is a good reason 'to leave' and go back to their own space - but cost wise it'll be a challenge.

tooldle

I don't think you are wrong to charge although i do wonder if both your son and his girlfriend have understood your assistance to date in the same way. Perhaps she is thinking the time with you was to be as short as possible whilst they saved a buffer to get them back on their feet, with a plan to move as soon as they had saved enough. Contributing to the household bills might negate the savings and hence be the same as moving out straight away. Or maybe she is simply being greedy, who knows. An honest chat would be the way to find out what all parties are thinking/feeling.

[Deleted User]

Thank you all - you’ve made me feel sane!!
I should add that if they were saving for a deposit or for housing costs I would defo consider that. However when in receipt of Universal credit, it would all be spent within a week of receiving it, I don’t think his wages will be any different. 

She is also pregnant again. I was over obliging with the first baby as my son was 16 and had just left school. I wanted him to take responsibility so I contributed to all baby items, but I can’t do that again. 

I agree that she’s probably not happy with the domestic situation, I would hate it. There are arguments daily between her and my 11 year old. It’s my son who is very comfortable here, he doesn’t want to leave. She would leave tomorrow. 

My son said he’s giving me the money regardless, he is shocked at her attitude towards the situation. I will take the advice  and I think we need a good honest chat. 

Thank you all

silvercar

Really difficult one as anything you take from them lengthens the time it takes to build up a deposit to move out. I hope you reach a solution.

elsien

Choosing to have a second baby in these circumstances is also going to negate any savings towards a deposit.
I’m sorry OP, I think you’re in it for the long haul as things stand. 

gwynlas

It sounds as though there will be problems further down the line with this relationship. It is quite easy to use contraception and not have a second child in these circumstances but it is very easy to play house when somebody else is footing the bill and of course she is happy being a stay at home mum in a comfortable warm house. Of course with rising prices and inflation you cannot afford to keep an extra family on your income and why should you? Not only should there be a financial contribution but help with household chores.Your son seems to be reasonably sensible, though he helped create both children but I would say that she needs a reality check. your house your rules your eleven year old should be comfortable in his home, thre might be a sense of being pushed off his spot with elder brother and family moving in. Separate cooking would meam twice as much fuel and I presume they will still make use of your store cupboard toiletries etc

comeandgo

While your sons partner says she would never expect her children to pay keep, you could reply that you brought your child up to be self sufficient and not leech off of others.