Issue with friends new girlfriend. Update.

sheramber

shiny76 said:

sheramber said:

A friend's reply to unwanted opinions wa s'thank you for sharing that with me'.

There is no further conversation needed.

How long before you took the hint? 

Never needed to say it to me.

NatashaRyan

She sounds awful, I can't get past her asking you bluntly if you felt your weight affected your health! Who does that out of the blue!?

You can't be forced to spend time with someone you don't like just so that this friend gets to keep his foursome holiday group he enjoys, he's trying to essentially remove his ex and slip in a new woman while expecting you to befriend and get along with her with no thought to your own individual personalities and needs. Every hour of life we spend is an hour we don't get back, and your time and energy and money are valuable.

I would simply encourage your husband to organise trips with just the guys from now on, they seem to spend most of the time on their own anyway, and say that you'd rather that than go as a four. No need to make it into a big thing. You've always been someone who goes along with things to keep everyone happy, that's not always a good trait to have. A situation has dropped into your lap where you can start to unlearn that and be a bit more assertive of your own needs. If you want any info dropping on how to be more assertive let me know!

TBagpuss

She does sound rude - I wonder whether she feels that she has to assert herself since the other three of you all know each other well and are very close - she is going about it the wrong way, but it may be that she is trying to ensure that it isn't assumed that she'll just do whatever the 3 of you have always done.

Moving forward, it sounds as though the golf / fishing trips are likely to be the biggest problems - maybe give it a trial run for a weekend or other short break.?

You could ask her what she would like todo while the men are fishing / golfing, and see what she suggests - it may be worth agreeing to do what she wants for dome of the time, it shows a willingness to be friendly and listen to her suggestions, but it doesn't have to be the be-all and end all .

For instance, if you enjoy shopping and she likes museums, there's no reason why you can't agree that you'll split up to do your own thing and then meet up at a pre-arranged time for a coffee / lunch. Or if she wants to look round the Cathedral / Castle / Art Gallery then there is nothing to stop you saying that you're happy to join her for an hour, but that it's not something you want to spend the whole day doing.

You can also talk to your husband in advance and look at other options - if for instance, she wants to go to the local stately Home and that's miles in the opposite direction to the shop, then maybe she can either drop your husband and her partner off at the golf course on her way, and you arrange to pick them up at the end of the day, so you and she each have a car, or you could look into whether  there are any local buses or what the cost of a taxi would be for whichever is the shortest journey. 

If she is making herself at home in your house then you can address this directly - maybe something like "I'm glad you feel so comfortable here, but  I prefer to make drinks . cook - please don't start making drinks / putting the kettle on without asking me first" (I think using the bathroom is a bit different, and it sounds as though it would only have been the first time that you'd expect her to ask, anyway, although it you have a preference (such as asking her to use the downstairs loo rather than an upstairs bathroom, for example, then it would be fine to bring that up) 

For the personal comments it sounds as though she is one of those dreadful people who has never learned to think before they open their mouth, but just because she asks doesn't mean you have to answer. 

I'd tart with a response such as "That's a really personal comment, it's not really somethin I want to discuss" or "'I'm happy with my appearance, thanks" and if she carry on making comments about your hair etc. then maybe move to "I'm sure you don't mean to be rude, but I've made clear several times that I am happy with my hair as it is an d have no plans to change it, so your comments are coming over as really rude Please can you not comment on my appearance moving forward, unless I specifically ask for your advice?" 

Also, talk to your husband and see how he feels - it may be worth exploring whether he would be up for doing some of the trip with just his friend, with you and friend's partner staying at home, so that you and she spend less time together, or whether you want to set a limit on how many times you are willing to put up with her if she isn't able to accept any compromises. 
For things like the restaurant, maybe suggest that she choses wherever you go next time, and then take it in turns. You may find that he comes up with some nice places that you enjoy, or you may find that she has very different tastes / budget and that you need to have a conversation about that and perhaps agree a price limit / agree that you take it in turns to pick the venue so you all get to eat somewhere you enjoy

good luck

turnitround

A little update. I've had it now. I tried with her but it's not going to happen.

Some time ago we bought him and his old partner tickets to came and see a show with us. This was for his  birthday and before lockdown. Of course as he now has a new partner she came along.  Now, the tickets were in great demand and we did not get the best seats but the ones we bought were over £100 per person. But it was a present so we were happy to pay that as we knew it was something he had wanted to see.

All she did was complain, first when we got to our seats saying 'They will look small from here' then it was 'I would have bought binoculars if I had known the seats were this far back'. Even on the way home she remarked that 'If she had booked it she would never have bought those tickets'. Honestly I was ready to stop the car and demand she walked home.

So I'm throwing the towel in. Hubby is going to speak to his mate tomorrow and let him know we thought she was really rude. We just cant gel with her so no more trying.

Maskface

Well nobody can say you didn't try. Good for you.

london21

turnitround said:

A little update. I've had it now. I tried with her but it's not going to happen.

Some time ago we bought him and his old partner tickets to came and see a show with us. This was for his  birthday and before lockdown. Of course as he now has a new partner she came along.  Now, the tickets were in great demand and we did not get the best seats but the ones we bought were over £100 per person. But it was a present so we were happy to pay that as we knew it was something he had wanted to see.

All she did was complain, first when we got to our seats saying 'They will look small from here' then it was 'I would have bought binoculars if I had known the seats were this far back'. Even on the way home she remarked that 'If she had booked it she would never have bought those tickets'. Honestly I was ready to stop the car and demand she walked home.

So I'm throwing the towel in. Hubby is going to speak to his mate tomorrow and let him know we thought she was really rude. We just cant gel with her so no more trying.

Oops, just seem she is a moaner than normal.

Sometimes better to be quiet, it's a gift no financial contribution made could have managed without complaining. 

Pollycat

I'm not surprised, I said as much on the first page.

She probably set out to cut you out of her new partner's life.
Your husband may salvage his friendship with him but I think the writing may be on the wall if he's as besotted as you said he is.

Didn't he even say anything to his girlfriend when she was dissing the tickets you had bought?
If he didn't, I thinks that tells you how things are going to go.
I would have been mortified if a new partner of mine had been so rude about a kind and not inexpensive gesture from long-standing friends.

turnitround

Pollycat said:

I'm not surprised, I said as much on the first page.

She probably set out to cut you out of her new partner's life.
Your husband may salvage his friendship with him but I think the writing may be on the wall if he's as besotted as you said he is.

Didn't he even say anything to his girlfriend when she was dissing the tickets you had bought?
If he didn't, I thinks that tells you how things are going to go.
I would have been mortified if a new partner of mine had been so rude about a kind and not inexpensive gesture from long-standing friends.

Didn't say anything last night as did not want an atmosphere to spoil the night but I spoke with him today and mentioned it. He just shrugged and said 'She doesn't mean anything, she is just direct'.

Hubby told him that he thought she was quite rude and he responded with 'You will get used to her'.

Well, it may be ok for him but not for me. 
Guess she must have other redeeming qualities!

Brie

Thanks for the update - sorry it didn't turn out better.  Hope your hubby and friend can continue to enjoy their outings without you having to partake.

Jude57

turnitround said:

Pollycat said:

I'm not surprised, I said as much on the first page.

She probably set out to cut you out of her new partner's life.
Your husband may salvage his friendship with him but I think the writing may be on the wall if he's as besotted as you said he is.

Didn't he even say anything to his girlfriend when she was dissing the tickets you had bought?
If he didn't, I thinks that tells you how things are going to go.
I would have been mortified if a new partner of mine had been so rude about a kind and not inexpensive gesture from long-standing friends.

Didn't say anything last night as did not want an atmosphere to spoil the night but I spoke with him today and mentioned it. He just shrugged and said 'She doesn't mean anything, she is just direct'.

Hubby told him that he thought she was quite rude and he responded with 'You will get used to her'.

Well, it may be ok for him but not for me. 
Guess she must have other redeeming qualities!

Why am I not surprised that the friend thinks his new woman is 'direct' and 'you'll get used to her'? I guarantee she's one of those who proudly boasts that she 'tells it like it is' when what she actually means is, she's rude, thoughtless and selfishly uncaring of the impact of her poor behaviour.

Your friend will, unfortunately for him, likely have to find out the hard way that what seems like refreshing frankness now in the honeymoon stage will, after a time, become intolerable because he'll find it impossible to please her, even if he does everything she wants. He'll discover that no matter what he does, he'll never be able to satisfy her demands and she'll find fault with everyone and everything. At that point he'll either break up with her or become a slave to her moods.

It's your husband I feel most sorry for, OP, as it sounds as though his weekends away with the friend will have to stop and that's such a shame. That could be a catalyst for the friend to see the damage his new relationship is doing to dear friendships, as I doubt you and your husband will be the only ones who find the new woman intolerable. I wouldn't hold my breath, though.

You've tried your best, OP. It's all you can do, and I hope you manage to find new activities to enjoy with like-minded friends.