Issue with friends new girlfriend. Update.

Gavin83

You can’t get along with everyone. I’d give it a chance but ultimately I don’t think you should force a friendship just to keep the status quo. I’m sure you can be civil towards her and polite when you see her but it doesn’t mean you have to do things together. To be be honest I think the foursome friendship between two couples is overrated anyway and it’s rare for all four to be the best of friends.

The problem you’ve got is suggesting you don’t like this new girlfriend will likely lead to the husbands friend taking it as an insult. A bit of a case of “I think she’s amazing so why don’t you?” Therefore you’d need to play this gently.

Out of interest so you still have any sort of relationship with the ex?

ontheroad1970

It could easily be total thoughtlessness rather than pure rudeness.  You could perhaps agree to accompany her so long as she accompanies you on your bit and if each other doesn't like it, then at least you both have tried and next time can agree to meet, and separate and reconvene.  

marycanary

I'm not sure why this is your problem to solve alone. What is your husband's view of this lady? Is he upset that she has made disparaging comments about your hair, weight and how you like to spend your time? You seem to be taking the whole burden of the situation which is clearly troubling you, while he continues as normal.

 I suggest you make this "our" problem rather than "my" problem. Surely he won't enjoy the time away if he knows you are so worried that you are asking total strangers on an internet forum for advice. Could you come up with a plan together? Perhaps your husband could speak to the pal or alternatively instead of spending all their time golfing the men could spend some time with you doing a range of shopping and cultural activities?

I accept I might be being unfair to your husband if you have not voiced your concerns, so please forgive me if I am off target. 
 

turnitround

Thanks again for the replies. 

To answer a couple of the questions.- I don't have an ongoing relationship with the ex. She left suddenly and went to live 200 miles away and just sent me a text saying things had not worked out for them so she was cutting all ties as it was what she wanted.

My hubby is quite surprised that his friend likes this new lady as he too finds her rude.  If i said I would not go away or go out with them as a couple again then hubby would accept that as he would not want me to be upset by it. 

But, hubby is disabled and this friend has been his best mate for many, many years and it's only thanks to him helping that hubby has been able to continue his hobbies so I won't do anything to get in the way of that no matter how much I have to grit my teeth.  Hubby is housebound a lot of the time so whenever we can get away he really enjoys it. 

I cant introduce her to any of my friends because she lives about 20 miles away and I will probably only see her when we are all going somewhere, its not like she lives around the corner so I wont see her that much. So I think I will just give it time and se how things develop. She does know that I have no contact with the ex and nor do I mention her when we are out, Ive been as welcoming as I can as I know it can be hard coming into an established friendship.  Hopefully she is just putting up a front, albeit not a great one.

Just to explain the situation when we go away - We try to stay somewhere out in the countryside so they can fish/golf. We make sure we get a day or two when we go out together as a foursome but on the days when the guys do their thing they take one vehicle leaving the women with the other which is my car which is why it would be awkward to just go off on my own.  Then in the evening we go out fr somethng to eat and a drink and of course I drive.

theoretica

It takes a little more organisation to have people with two cars going in three directions, but maybe one day you could drop the men off and collect them later, or be yourself dropped off somewhere?

Do you think it would be worth buttering her up a bit - about how much these trips mean to your husband and how much you appreciate her along along with it.  Or would that just feel like giving her licence to organise the entirety of what you do?

Brie

It sounds like you're doing things for the right reason.  It's difficult when the OH's friends are so important to them.  

As other's have said - practice your standard phrases and I'd suggest you learn to laugh at her in a light hearted manner when she's rude. 

"Oh you're so bold!  How do you manage with so few filters on what you say?!"

"Ah! You just think you don't like charity shops!  I bet you've never been to one and found a real treasure!!"

"Charity shop today and I'll buy the coffee, art gallery tomorrow and you can buy the wine!!" etc.  

RogerBareford

turnitround said:

Thanks again for the replies. 

To answer a couple of the questions.- I don't have an ongoing relationship with the ex. She left suddenly and went to live 200 miles away and just sent me a text saying things had not worked out for them so she was cutting all ties as it was what she wanted.

My hubby is quite surprised that his friend likes this new lady as he too finds her rude.  If i said I would not go away or go out with them as a couple again then hubby would accept that as he would not want me to be upset by it. 

But, hubby is disabled and this friend has been his best mate for many, many years and it's only thanks to him helping that hubby has been able to continue his hobbies so I won't do anything to get in the way of that no matter how much I have to grit my teeth.  Hubby is housebound a lot of the time so whenever we can get away he really enjoys it. 

I cant introduce her to any of my friends because she lives about 20 miles away and I will probably only see her when we are all going somewhere, its not like she lives around the corner so I wont see her that much. So I think I will just give it time and se how things develop. She does know that I have no contact with the ex and nor do I mention her when we are out, Ive been as welcoming as I can as I know it can be hard coming into an established friendship.  Hopefully she is just putting up a front, albeit not a great one.

Just to explain the situation when we go away - We try to stay somewhere out in the countryside so they can fish/golf. We make sure we get a day or two when we go out together as a foursome but on the days when the guys do their thing they take one vehicle leaving the women with the other which is my car which is why it would be awkward to just go off on my own.  Then in the evening we go out fr somethng to eat and a drink and of course I drive.

If him and your husband are best friends then i really don't think you choosing not to go would cause any issues. If they want to go away and play Golf/Fish they can go do that together and maybe not stay as long or stay somewhere different that is more convienent.

You started the last paragraph with "Just to explain the situation when we go away" but you have never been away with this lady and you certainly don't need to do exactly the same things in the same way that you did when it was someone you got along with.

Do you only have two cars owned between the four of you? If you still want to go away with them then why can't you take three cars so you and her can go do different things when your not with your partners?. She very clearly wants to do different things than you so it shouldn't cause any issues.

I really think you should almost forget about what you did before and find a new way of doing things which may or may not involve you going with them.

HRH_MUngo

Speaking as someone who is 72 and has long hair down to my shoulder blades, I would say something (initially) like 'Oh no, I would need a general anaesthetic to get it cut'.  If she still persisted, I would be just as blunt back and say, 'it's my hair and it's staying in this style, now how about you go to the art gallery whilst I have a look in this charity shop and we'll meet up for lunch?'.

I am also overweight and would find remarks about my weight extremely hurtful..  I think I would probably tell her this.  'If you don't mind, I find this very personal and don't wish to discuss it further - now how about we go to Boots and get that cream you wanted'.

Also try to find something in common that you both like and talk about that.

It is awkward when you don't get on with someone's partner. I agree you have to try to do so, but don't let her get away with being rude to you..

Good luck.

sheramber

A friend's reply to unwanted opinions wa s'thank you for sharing that with me'.

There is no further conversation needed.

shiny76

sheramber said:

A friend's reply to unwanted opinions wa s'thank you for sharing that with me'.

There is no further conversation needed.

How long before you took the hint?