Issue with friends new girlfriend. Update.

turnitround

sheramber said:

This is a new group with a new dynamic from the old group.

It is like starting at the beginning of a friendship again.  

You need to find a way forward in the new relationship which is nott eh same as the ols relationship which had grown over the years.

But we can't like people because someone else does so let the friendship develop.  Don't expect it to be like the previous one.

Thank you sheramber. 

That's the point exactly. It is a new dynamic and perhaps in time it will develop. I think I'm just irritated because I'm feeling pressured to make an effort with a person that I would normally not want to pursue a friendship with just to keep the status quo. 

EP456

I think it’s really unfair for you to be expected to spend time with someone you’re not keen on.  What is your husband’s opinion of her?  Do you have other friends you can introduce her to and see what they think of her?  It seems that you are expected to make an effort but no one calls her out on her rudeness.  Personally, I could not spend this amount of time with someone I don’t gel with.  

sheramber

if you need to travel out together can you not park up and then go you separate ways with an arrangement to meet up at lunchtime for instance.

Surely you don't need to stay together all the time.

When the friends I spoke about went shopping , they travelled in one car  but split up on arriving , depending on where each wanted to go. A couple might go together or all go separate. 

74jax

Even when I go with a friend, we still do separate things. I would never spend every minute without my husband with her. 
How about you say whilst the men play golf, you'll get lunch together then you can go do your stuff, she does hers and you'll meet up for a coffee afterwards and drive back? 
Maybe have some standard phrases ready, if she says she doesn't want to go to charity shops/do what you want etc 'that's fine, do you want to meet up after I'm back?', if she invites you somewhere you don't want to go 'that's fine should we meet up when you're back'. 
If she doesn't want to do what you want, and you don't want to do what she wants, it really isn't an issue and happens loads. It shouldn't just be you compromising. 

JGB1955

We go away with our 'best friends' but don't want them in my face all of the time. I need my own space and will tell them that!  The 'boys' might well choose to play golf all day, but I'll be off on a 10 mile walk (solo) in the meantime.

BellaLasagna2018

It’s not that she is direct/ knows what she wants. These are just excuses for the fact she is rude! 

She’s just met you and makes negative comments about your hair, your weight and how you like to pass the time and you’re supposed to accept it to keep the peace, not upset your husband and your friend? How is that fair? 

I think you need to nip it in the bud, and put her back in her place. Maybe gently, but if you don’t, you will be miserable and she will get her way on probably far many more things than just a weekend away. 

LillythePink

Maybe she feels threatened by you and the close friendship you have had in the past without her and the friend has "bigged" you up and she is just making these comments to take the shine off you in the friend's eyes - basically jealousy - so making the odd rude comment is just her way to gain dominance in the new relationship and basically say to him "she's not as brilliant as you think and she has flaws"

You don't have to change just for her but maybe give it a fair go and go away as suggested - at least no-one can't say you haven't tried.  If she keeps it up when you are alone without the men there, then call her out on it and see what's said.

Of course, it will get back to your friend that you were mean to her and it will be twisted, but if he knows you as well as it appears on here, then he would hopefully know that he only has one side of the story and not to believe everything was how she portrayed.

If that all makes sense......

bouicca21

 Maybe she’s jealous. Maybe she’s just nasty. Maybe she wants to bond over beauty tips.  She almost certainly doesn’t want you to expect her to be a clone of the previous partner.  She may be terrified at trying to fit into such a well established relationship.

Mooching round charity shops sounds incredibly dreary to me - maybe she dreads it as much as I would.  I go with 74jax’s suggestions - you do your thing, she does hers but you meet up during the day for lunch or coffee.  In time you may want to do some things together.  Just let it develop.

GaleSF63

I've never understood why people excuse someone being rude by saying "it's just his/her way". 

Mojisola

bouicca21 said:

 Maybe she’s jealous. Maybe she’s just nasty. Maybe she wants to bond over beauty tips.  She almost certainly doesn’t want you to expect her to be a clone of the previous partner.  She may be terrified at trying to fit into such a well established relationship.

Mooching round charity shops sounds incredibly dreary to me - maybe she dreads it as much as I would.  

Would you tell the other person that they should stop doing what they enjoy?
If she's terrified of not fitting in, she's finding a strange way of showing it - telling other people that their pleasures are inferior to the ones you're going to make them do rarely makes you friends.
As the OP has to go on the trips, the compromise option seems to be for the two women to go their separate ways and each do what they enjoy.