Issue with friends new girlfriend. Update.

turnitround

Not sure what I'm expecting from this post but opinions would be appreciated.

Hubby and I have had a male friend for years and up until about 6 months ago he was in a relationship of 7-8 years but he was not at all happy.  

During the time he was in that relationship we all used to go away together for a few days 3 or 4 times a year. We  also went out together regularly for meals and spent Xmas and New Year together. The relationship ended and he started online dating and had a couple of girlfriends but none lasted more than 3 or 4 dates. 

Now he met a lady and he is besotted, says he is happier than he has ever been and we are really pleased for for him as he deserves to be happy.  After a few dates he introduced us and we have met the lady 4 times now. The first time we met she seemed a bit abrupt, we went for a meal and she complained constantly and ended the night saying 'Well, we won't be coming here again' although the rest of us thought it was ok. 
The second time we met he brought up the subject of us going away later in the year for a weekend and she said she thought it was a great idea. The men play golf, I don't and neither does she so she asked what I usually do while they are golfing. I told her I usually go into one of the surrounding towns nearby wherever we stay, have look round the shops, get a coffee etc. Then I mentioned I enjoy looking in charity shops to which she said ' I will soon cure you of that habit, you need to find the culture in the places you visit'.
Says she will make changes to our weekends away I will thank her when I get used to it.
Other instances include her  telling me that I would look better if I had my hair cut as no-one over 60 should let their hair reach shoulder length, saying that she knows everyone is different but that she cant imagine why anyone would choose to drive a (insert our make of car here!) and asking me if I find being a bit overweight has any impact on my health.

I wondered if she maybe didn't like the thought that we have done so much as a foursome before and didn't want to carry on that way but she has already talked about 'doing Xmas at hers' next time and also going away together for her 60th in September.

I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt thinking that she may just feel a bit awkward fitting in or even be a bit shy/insecure and over compensating a bit. Our friend says it's just her way to be blunt and he seems to find it endearing. There are loads of other bits I have found a bit awkward. For instance, if I go to someone's house that I don't know very well and need to use the loo then I would ask before just going upstairs as she did, likewise I don't get up and put the kettle on without asking on my first visit.

I feel instinctively that we are not really going to get on and that we have very little in common. I get the feeling that she is not keen on me.  However, I don't want it to spoil things for my hubby and our friend. He says she is very different from his last partner but that that is what he likes about her and he says I should ignore the barbs and he very much wants us all to get along so that nothing changes. He says its important to him that we form a friendship as he and my hubby are such close friends. 

The trouble is that when we go away the men are golfing/fishing all day then we go out at night together so it's us women who will be spending  lot of time alone together and I cant say I'm looking forward to it. Don't get me wrong, I can stand up for myself and wont be pushed around but equally I'm a 'try to keep everyone happy' person and I think playing her at her own game would not be ideal for a cordial weekend and I also don't want to spoil things for our friend. He seems head over heels and I'm so pleased for him but how do you exist as a foursome when 2 of you don't seem to particularly like each other. I'm feeling a bit like I'm being pushed into a corner to suit everyone else.

Flugelhorn

crikey she is a real foot in mouth sort isn't she  very difficult for you - suspect you are a friendly / keep the peace / go with the flow  sort and it can be really tricky when someone you hardly know does things like that. TBH not sure I could hack a weekend away and I may be over 60 but I am wouldn't cut my hair short just because someone told me to

sheramber

Since you find her company a strain I would suggest you tell her you will just do your own thing during the day and then all meet up at night.
When I accompanied my husband to his hobby weekend the other wives went hopping. I was not interested in going so didn't go. Nobody was offended. 

Mojisola

Suggest the two men have a golfing weekend away while you stay home. 
Why would you want to spend time with this woman?

london21

Appears you have different personalities and interests. 

Maybe give it some time before traveling together in order to get familiar and build the relationship. 

You might let her know in a suttle friendly way that you do not appreciate comments about your hair and weight for example. 

Sometimes some people don't know their comments can be offensive.

You will likely have some interests in common, over time friendship might develop. 

Tranboy

Sounds like coercive control, best to challenge her on anything that irks you and she might back off. You shouldn't have to be told to ignore her barbs, I had a full on auntie like that when my uncle remarried, she made lots of decisions for him including moving him hundreds of miles away from friends and family.

pinkshoes

If I was on holiday and someone suggested embracing the culture rather than mooching round charity shops then I'd just go for it. Sounds much more fun.

She sounds different, direct and knows what she wants/likes. That's not a bad thing and no doubt why your friend likes her.

Give her suggestions a go - you might end up having fun!

Or suggest the two of you go rollerskating or something random!

Pollycat

Maybe she is feeling threatened by the close relationship you 3 have had over a long time and this is her way of dealing with it.

I would politely but firmly reject any of her suggestions that don't suit you.

If the golfing weekend goes ahead, tell her you will do your thing and she is free to do what she wants - unless you can find some common ground.
I'd be happy looking round a museum or castle but nobody would stop me doing the charity shop rounds too.
If there was no chance of compromise, I would not go.

It may be that this foursome friendship has run its course and your husband and his friend will have to alter their frienship to exclude the 2 ladies.

Mojisola

pinkshoes said:

If I was on holiday and someone suggested embracing the culture rather than mooching round charity shops then I'd just go for it. Sounds much more fun.

She sounds different, direct and knows what she wants/likes. That's not a bad thing and no doubt why your friend likes her.

Give her suggestions a go - you might end up having fun!

And the OP doesn't know what she likes?
Everything you've said could be said to the new GF - maybe she should give what the OP does a try?

turnitround

Thanks for all the replies. I think I will just need to give it time. The idea of not going along on these trips wont work as we usually stay somewhere in the countryside away from everything and when we go out at night I'm the driver as I don't drink. Hubby does not drink but is disabled so cannot do the driving.

He really enjoys these trips away and wouldn't want to go without me anyway and I wouldn't want to spoil it for him.

We take 2 vehicles and the men go off in his and the women use ours so its difficult to say 'You go here and |i will go there'. Hopefully some common ground will emerge. 

Its just her manner I find 'unusual' for want of a better word. I do appreciate that someone may find it difficult to fit in with close knit friends of many years but we  dont  bring up the previous partner at all, or as far as I know, do anything to make her feel unwelcome. 

I'm quite easy going and dont like to see anyone feeling uncomfortable or upset so I always try to be nice to people but \I am struggling with this lady. Our friend is so desperate for me to like her  so I am trying.

sheramber

This is a new group with a new dynamic from the old group.

It is like starting at the beginning of a friendship again.  

You need to find a way forward in the new relationship which is nott eh same as the ols relationship which had grown over the years.

But we can't like people because someone else does so let the friendship develop.  Don't expect it to be like the previous one.