Relationship Breakdown - Please Help

saintdan

Hi all,

I currently live with my girlfriend & our 2 children (3 & 5) in our mortgaged home.

My g/f has told me that she no longer wants to be with me & wants to seperate.

Would someone be able to help me with the following please:

My g/f tells me for her to be considered for a house (council i assume) she will have to stay in a hostel for a period of time first. Does anyone know if this is true?

She is a childminder working from home currently earning around £9000 (rising to £13000 in Mar 2008 when she starts a new child). Would she be entitled to any benefits at all apart from child benefit & child tax credit (although we won't be receiving any CTC till about 2010 as they overpaid us apparently)?

Our house is worth around £175,000-180,000 & our mortgage is around £125,000 - the mortgage is in joint names - I assume that we will be entitled to 50% of the profit each if we sell - is that so?

Ideally I would like g/f & kids to stay at our house so she can continue childminding & kids arent disrupted & I move out but the only way she could really afford it is if the mortgage is changed to interest only & we pay half each or is it possible to put the mortgage in my name only & she could in effect pay me rent & possibly claim some sort of housing benefit. Is that possible?

Do I have to pay a percentage of my wages to my g/f to support my kids or is it an agreed amount? I have heard stories about the child support agency & dads having to pay £££££££££'s.

Any help would be appreciated from people with first hand experience.

I have tried googling the above but come up with so many different answers.

Thanks

Dan

Stephb1986_2

Hi Dan

Sorry to hear your going through a rough time

i can only comment on the council housing situation yes it is true that she would have to stay in a hostel till a house is available but really they would like you to stay with relatives or friends instead of using the hostel. Either way she could be waiting a long time.

I hope this helps

Stephb xx

antronella

Dan, I can't really offer any advice to you over this..but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. Your girlfriend is lucky that you are being so reasonable and not turning this into a war zone. I'm glad cos it will mean your relationship with the children won't need to suffer. Good luck..I'm sure others will be able to give you lots of good advice x

Fran

Your situation is quite complicated and I would recommend you go to your local Citizens Advice as they will be able to go through the different scenarios with you.

If you are separated and the kids stay with her, yes you will have to pay maintenance.

She should apply for Working Tax Credits.

She would probably not be entitled to much (if any) Housing Benefit if renting a place. She could also put in a claim for Council Tax Benefit too. However she would not be entitled to any if you rent to her.

If you need help with Benefits/Tax Credits/CSA questions you could look at the board on this site. Good luck.

hobo28

saintdan wrote: »

My g/f tells me for her to be considered for a house (council i assume) she will have to stay in a hostel for a period of time first. Does anyone know if this is true?

Only she & your council will know. Sounds plausable though. Council houses are not always available at the drop of a hat.

saintdan wrote: »

She is a childminder working from home currently earning around £9000 (rising to £13000 in Mar 2008 when she starts a new child). Would she be entitled to any benefits at all apart from child benefit & child tax credit (although we won't be receiving any CTC till about 2010 as they overpaid us apparently)?

Check out a website such as https://www.entitledto.co.uk and see what they say. I must say though that this really would no longer be your responsibility.

saintdan wrote: »

Our house is worth around £175,000-180,000 & our mortgage is around £125,000 - the mortgage is in joint names - I assume that we will be entitled to 50% of the profit each if we sell - is that so?

Technically yes, although often your OH will expect more because she will be the resident parent. Whether this is right or wrong is another story........

saintdan wrote: »

Ideally I would like g/f & kids to stay at our house so she can continue childminding & kids arent disrupted & I move out but the only way she could really afford it is if the mortgage is changed to interest only & we pay half each or is it possible to put the mortgage in my name only & she could in effect pay me rent & possibly claim some sort of housing benefit. Is that possible?

Don't do it. Once you split, seperate the finances. Never ever be tempted to do anything like this. It will totally come back to haunt you. No No No No NO! Its nice you are putting your kids first and even though your GF wants to split you still want to by extension make sure she's ok. But once you split you MUST seperate your lives except for the kids.

saintdan wrote: »

Do I have to pay a percentage of my wages to my g/f to support my kids or is it an agreed amount? I have heard stories about the child support agency & dads having to pay £££££££££'s.

Complicated area but the gist of it is that the CSA will expect 20% of your wage minus 1/7th for each night they regularly stay with you up to 50% off. So for example lets say 20% of your wage is £200 and you have them one night a week. You would pay £172 per month.

saintdan wrote: »

Any help would be appreciated from people with first hand experience.

Like I said above, once you split you split. You pick up your life, she picks up hers. The hardest thing to do is watch her and your kids go through a rough time knowing you can help. And thats from first hand experience. Problem is that you "helping" will actually make her either resentful of the fact your still hovering around and/or she'll take you even MORE for granted and you relegate yourself to babysitter on demand !!! walking wallet.

My advice is you sort out the maintenance and access as amicably as possible then stick to that as rigidly as possible. There will be the temptation from both of you to chop & change dates etc as life demands but that too can lead to problems in the future.

Good luck mate. Its tough at first but things do pick up.

I have tried googling the above but come up with so many different answers.

Thanks

Dan[/quote]

belfastgirl23

I'm pretty sure the housing situation is spot on. If she is still in the house then she isn't homeless which you pretty much have to be to get any kind of council housing. And indeed she might be viewed as making herself intentionally homeless if she leaves so it is well worth getting advice on this ahead of time..

Horrible situation though and you're obviously trying to do right for everyone so just wanted to say well done. I hope it all ends okay for you all.

PasturesNew

You've not said why you're breaking up.
Presumably there's no chance of a reconciliation?
Have you tried/suggested it or spoken to relate?

It'd be easier all round as I can't see that she can stay in the house; selling it might be hard; her finding somewhere else to live would be hard; child minding is out the window if she starts moving about 'destination unknown'; private landlords would probably not allow childminding in their house; selling would give her too much savings to claim benefits.... so no sensible answers really.

You seem to have taken it lying down ... maybe she just wants to see a bit of fight in you

Good luck. No easy answers are apparent for everybody to win.

Jo_R_2

hobo28 wrote: »

Don't do it. Once you split, seperate the finances. Never ever be tempted to do anything like this. It will totally come back to haunt you. No No No No NO! Its nice you are putting your kids first and even though your GF wants to split you still want to by extension make sure she's ok. But once you split you MUST seperate your lives except for the kids.

Totally agree with this. I split with my ex near the start of the year. We didn't have a mortgage though so slightly different. One of the first things I did was change the names from joint to mine on the bills and sorted out revised benefits in my name.

This was all my doing, he hasn't helped with anything (I didn't ask, he had no money and I wanted to do it myself anyway) and I feel it's much easier and clearer this way. Obviously we have to speak on a regular basis to arrange care of the children and as sounds like your situation, things are fairly amicable which really helps.

I really think what hobo said is spot on. I'd make a clean break, if you can, as regards finances (except maintenance which you have obviously mentioned.) You don't know what's going to happen in the future- she might meet someone else and move them in to a house you are paying for, things might go from being amicable to tense and you get stuck financially because of agreements you've made. Why not seek some legal advice about what your options are so you know what you can do and them make an informed decision, you'll feel a lot better having the legal info at hand.

I wouldn't get tied up in what she can claim, but tell her to phone tax credits to make a fresh claim as a single parent. The overpayment will still exist but won't affect her making a new claim which will be assessed on her circumstances NOW as it's a completely separate claim.

You only HAVE to go through the Child Support Agency if the resident parent is claiming certain benefits. Otherwise you can choose to make a private arrangement, if you feel you can do this. Go and have a look at the 'Child Support' board where there's a few knowledgeable peeps who know all about it (I posted there recently and got some great advice!) and decide which route's best for you guys- you can still go through the CSA if you feel it's right for you.

And I have to say you sound very reasonable and logical about things, good for you for not letting feelings get in the way of your kids. Have to echo what PasturesNEw said, might there be a chance of reconciliation? Or not on the cards?

Good luck whatever happens.

saintdan

PasturesNew wrote: »

You've not said why you're breaking up.

We have just grown apart - she says she has fallen out of love with me. She can't seem to tolerate anything I do - the way I eat, the way I sleep, the way I breathe, the way I talk - seriously anything.

PasturesNew wrote: »

Presumably there's no chance of a reconciliation?.

Things haven't been right between us for a little while now with bickering happening most days & I am usually the reserved type I just get on with things & bite my tongue & not argue back but it's starting to get to me now. She has said she wants the split so the ball is in her court really.

PasturesNew wrote: »

Have you tried/suggested it or spoken to relate?

I have always been a great believer that if a relationship needs counselling then its possibly not the right relationship to be in.

PasturesNew wrote: »

It'd be easier all round as I can't see that she can stay in the house; selling it might be hard; her finding somewhere else to live would be hard; child minding is out the window if she starts moving about 'destination unknown'; private landlords would probably not allow childminding in their house; selling would give her too much savings to claim benefits.... so no sensible answers really.

Would agree would be easier to stay but what would be the point in being miserable & constantly bickering? We get one shot at this life & I don't want to be full of regrets 10 years down the line. I'm in no rush to sell the house so it doesn't matter how long it takes & I'm sure she could find somewhere to live - she could afford to rent as she will be earning around £1200 a month plus child benefit & any other benefits & whatever I give her.

Also I have checked the entitled to website & it seems she should get some more benefit payments.

Cheers for everyones support.

Dan

Stephb1986_2

i broke up with my fella at the weekend he's said he still loves me but he's not in love with me, it hurts like hell i know, i wish i wasnt here but i am. you'll be ok and get sorted out

take care

Stephb xx

saintdan

Steph,

Thanks for your support. Hope everything goes ok for u.

Rgds
Dan