Girlfriend Keeping Me Separate

Spendless

salesman1979 said:

Spendless said:

I am Mum to a teenage girl (nearly19) who split up with her boyf of 2 years at the same point you did in life. Would I welcome him back 20 years on, especially if it was just after her marriage split up? Probably not. I believe my view of him would be very much influenced by what I remembered of his teenage self. In the past two years that you and gf have been back together, how much time and effort have you put in to convincing Mum that you are a changed person from your teenage years? 

The son, is a different matter. Unless there's disabilities, the son will probably eventually move out, get a job, have a partner/family of their own.  That gf has to consider son and how he feels now doesn't mean that is always going to take priority.

I’ve only met mum once this time around. She came to the house while I was there. I said hello and she completely ignored me. I said it again and asked how she was and she completely ignored me again. So I just left it. 

I get on fine with her dad. 

Even this weekend, her mum was gonna drop something round on Friday night until she found out I’d be there. So she dropped it round in the daytime instead. 

How are you getting on fine with her Dad but not meeting Mum, if her parents are together? Did Mum like your gf's ex husband or just she's known for being a bit 'odd'. When you dated as teenagers, was her Mum aware that you were a bit of an idiot then or only by things her daughter said after you split?

I really liked my daughter's ex. It was only after their split that various things came to light about him , including what daughter had kept from us. That's why I don't believe I'd be enthusiastic about his return even 20 years down the line. Gf's Mum might feel the same way.  

strawb_shortcake

I can only go by the time my Sister separated from her Husband, my parents - Mum moreso found it difficult to adjust with her and her new partner soon after the marriage break down/separation. 
Their separation was incredibly painful, not just for the two of them but the children and there was a significant burden emotional and financial put upon my parents for a long time.

The fact you kept in touch throughout her marriage as friends and then started a relationship quite quickly may well have soured the relationship with her Mum. Similarly if the Son found the breakup difficult,  perhaps the Mum lays some of that blame at your feet? Rightly or wrongly us Mum's can be quick to blame the party that's not our child.

Back to my Sister, hopping from one relationship to the next has taken it's toll, we could all see she just needed time to be her and look after herself but she just wanted to be in a relationship as if to prove she was loveable. 

salesman1979

Her mum (and her brother) do love to involve themselves in her life, almost like they think she isn’t capable of making her own decisions. 

Her family also really disliked her husband. 

We’ve spoken and have planned a day out with the kids this weekend and then a bigger one next month. Let’s see how they go 🤞🏻

RogerBareford

salesman1979 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

Why did her marriage end? Was she the innocent party? 

Tbh I can see her mum's pov, especially if your gf was the one who got hurt. Last time Mum met you, you were a little oik (by your own admission) so she's expecting you to hurt her daughter again.

of course you could always show the mum that you've grown up & now are a responsible adult. 

Her marriage ended before it even started really. She got pregnant to the guy, he said he would stand by her, they stayed together but he was horrible to her from the start. She endured it for 19 years for the sons sake basically until everything finally reached breaking point and she ended it. 

Our original relationship ended mainly due to us being young. She was moving away to university and didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship. She’s always told me this was the biggest mistake she’s ever made. 

Yes I was a bit of an antisocial teenage rebel in my younger days but nobody can ever deny that I’ve always treated her like a princess. Even in the last 20 years I’ve always been there if she needed anything. She’s always been my best friend. 

Obviously I’ve matured a lot, I have my own business which is going really well etc. her mum knows all of this. 

salesman1979 said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Well, you need to speak to her about this. 

If she wants to make a go of it, her Dad may be a useful ally. But she has to be willing to stand up to her mum, and to work out how you can develop a relationship with her son.

I’m confident I can do both given the chance but the problem is that I’m not being given the chance to try. 

We have a day out planned with all the kids and I’m very concerned about how it’s gonna go. I fear her son will have a tantrum and demand to go home the second something doesn’t go his way. 

So her son is an adult but still has tantrums and demands to go home, or are you talking about another younger son she has aswell?

I also have to agree with other comments that if she is in her 40's and she may not be able to continue a relationship with you because of what her mum thinks and is actively hiding you from her then i really don't think you should get your hopes up at all this is going to go anywhere. If she was serious about you then at her age she should be telling her mum that you are together because that is what she has chosen and shouldn't be hiding you away like she is still a teenager.

sevenhills

RogerBareford said:

I also have to agree with other comments that if she is in her 40's and she may not be able to continue a relationship

I assume the OP is in his 40s too, I do think dating in later life is very different to dating as a 20 something.

Sounds like the OP is doing ok. I am almost 60, perhaps that is why I view things in this way.

RogerBareford

sevenhills said:

RogerBareford said:

I also have to agree with other comments that if she is in her 40's and she may not be able to continue a relationship

I assume the OP is in his 40s too, I do think dating in later life is very different to dating as a 20 something.

Sounds like the OP is doing ok. I am almost 60, perhaps that is why I view things in this way.

Really? You think being in a relationship with a woman in her 40's and she has to hide you from her mother is doing ok?

I think the fact they are both in their 40's and she is acting like that shows the relationship isn't going anywhere.

salesman1979

RogerBareford said:

salesman1979 said:

gettingtheresometime said:

Why did her marriage end? Was she the innocent party? 

Tbh I can see her mum's pov, especially if your gf was the one who got hurt. Last time Mum met you, you were a little oik (by your own admission) so she's expecting you to hurt her daughter again.

of course you could always show the mum that you've grown up & now are a responsible adult. 

Her marriage ended before it even started really. She got pregnant to the guy, he said he would stand by her, they stayed together but he was horrible to her from the start. She endured it for 19 years for the sons sake basically until everything finally reached breaking point and she ended it. 

Our original relationship ended mainly due to us being young. She was moving away to university and didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship. She’s always told me this was the biggest mistake she’s ever made. 

Yes I was a bit of an antisocial teenage rebel in my younger days but nobody can ever deny that I’ve always treated her like a princess. Even in the last 20 years I’ve always been there if she needed anything. She’s always been my best friend. 

Obviously I’ve matured a lot, I have my own business which is going really well etc. her mum knows all of this. 

salesman1979 said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Well, you need to speak to her about this. 

If she wants to make a go of it, her Dad may be a useful ally. But she has to be willing to stand up to her mum, and to work out how you can develop a relationship with her son.

I’m confident I can do both given the chance but the problem is that I’m not being given the chance to try. 

We have a day out planned with all the kids and I’m very concerned about how it’s gonna go. I fear her son will have a tantrum and demand to go home the second something doesn’t go his way. 

So her son is an adult but still has tantrums and demands to go home, or are you talking about another younger son she has aswell?

I also have to agree with other comments that if she is in her 40's and she may not be able to continue a relationship with you because of what her mum thinks and is actively hiding you from her then i really don't think you should get your hopes up at all this is going to go anywhere. If she was serious about you then at her age she should be telling her mum that you are together because that is what she has chosen and shouldn't be hiding you away like she is still a teenager.

Sorry that was a typo. Her relationship lasted 10 years not 19. 

She has one son. 

Pollycat

salesman1979 said:

Her mum (and her brother) do love to involve themselves in her life, almost like they think she isn’t capable of making her own decisions. 

Her family also really disliked her husband. 

We’ve spoken and have planned a day out with the kids this weekend and then a bigger one next month. Let’s see how they go 🤞🏻

But she is allowing them to involve themselves in her life.

If she told you to hide so as to not upset her Mum, are you sure she is capable of making her own decisions?

Is she dependent on her Mum for anything such as babysitting or financial help?
If she isn't, I can't see why she does not stand up to her family.

GreenCat80

It sounds like you don’t actually like her son? I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t like my child, for me that would be a much bigger issue than my mothers thoughts on it

sevenhills

RogerBareford said:

Really? You think being in a relationship with a woman in her 40's and she has to hide you from her mother is doing ok?

I think the fact they are both in their 40's and she is acting like that shows the relationship isn't going anywhere.

Perhaps she thinks her mother is a nightmare and its better to keep them apart. Not all relationships are perfect, I am on my own and I would accept a poor relationship over being alone.