Girlfriend Keeping Me Separate

salesman1979

My GF and I have been together almost 2 years now (she was also my first love and we were together 18 months as teenagers). We had remained in contact as friends and we had both assumed the other had moved on, turns out we hadn’t, we both always saw each other as the one. 

Both our marriages have ended and we got together almost immediately after her marriage ended.  We see each other regularly and spend every other weekend together, we have our kids on the other weekends. 

We’ve met each other’s kids and have introduced them to each other. Interaction between them all had been very limited but has happened a few times. I had my kids for a week over Xmas and she came to stay at mine on “our weekend” as normal. My kids were fine with her. 

Her mum completely ignored me last time I saw her. Mainly because I was a bit of an antisocial teen last time we met, and partially because she doesn’t approve of her daughter jumping straight into another relationship. I say hello and asked how she was but she didn’t acknowledge at all. Her dad is fine with me. He’s even asked her if I’m the one and she’s told him I am. 

She has recently started telling me that things may not be able to move forward as we have hoped and planned due to her son. He can be a very difficult child at the best of times. She’s also mentioned her mum not accepting me. 

We spent this weekend at mine and went out last night. She’s going to a family party this afternoon but I came to hers with her to do something for her. Just before her parents arrived to pick her up she asked me to move away from the windows so her mum didn’t see me. I don’t know why but this really hit me hard. I’m starting to feel like I’m never gonna be a part of her life fully like you’d expect to be. I think it’s always gonna be me and her and then her and her son and the rest of her family. 

74jax

salesman1979 said:

My GF and I have been together almost 2 years now (she was also my first love and we were together 18 months as teenagers). We had remained in contact as friends and we had both assumed the other had moved on, turns out we hadn’t, we both always saw each other as the one. 

Both our marriages have ended and we got together almost immediately after her marriage ended.  We see each other regularly and spend every other weekend together, we have our kids on the other weekends. 

We’ve met each other’s kids and have introduced them to each other. Interaction between them all had been very limited but has happened a few times. I had my kids for a week over Xmas and she came to stay at mine on “our weekend” as normal. My kids were fine with her. 

Her mum completely ignored me last time I saw her. Mainly because I was a bit of an antisocial teen last time we met, and partially because she doesn’t approve of her daughter jumping straight into another relationship. I say hello and asked how she was but she didn’t acknowledge at all. Her dad is fine with me. He’s even asked her if I’m the one and she’s told him I am. 

She has recently started telling me that things may not be able to move forward as we have hoped and planned due to her son. He can be a very difficult child at the best of times. She’s also mentioned her mum not accepting me. 

We spent this weekend at mine and went out last night. She’s going to a family party this afternoon but I came to hers with her to do something for her. Just before her parents arrived to pick her up she asked me to move away from the windows so her mum didn’t see me. I don’t know why but this really hit me hard. I’m starting to feel like I’m never gonna be a part of her life fully like you’d expect to be. I think it’s always gonna be me and her and then her and her son and the rest of her family. 

She had told you this and now you feel this way too.

Enjoy it for what it is and carry on, or if you do want more than she does, end it now and find someone who feels the same. 

If you both are feeling it can't /won't move forward, there's nothing wrong with continuing, as long as you both understand this and are happy to do so. 

BrassicWoman

You will (rightly) never be more important than a child. You just need to decide if you can live with what you have, without asking for more.

Rosa_Damascena

BrassicWoman said:

You will (rightly) never be more important than a child. You just need to decide if you can live with what you have, without asking for more.

Whilst I don't disagree, it must be pretty gutting to be in this position. This afternoon's performance indicates the OP has already been relegated, best to end it with self-respect intact.

salesman1979

BrassicWoman said:

You will (rightly) never be more important than a child. You just need to decide if you can live with what you have, without asking for more.

Im not asking to be more important than her child, nor would I ever expect to be. But we had all these plans of living together, getting married, being one big family etc but now it feels like we are never going to even try because of what might happen or because someone might get upset. 

[Deleted User]

To me, this relationship is pretty much moribund already. Only you can decide if you want to tag along on these terms or not.

I'd be inclined to draw a line, wish all the best and move on to pastures new.

Savvy_Sue

Well, you need to speak to her about this. 

If she wants to make a go of it, her Dad may be a useful ally. But she has to be willing to stand up to her mum, and to work out how you can develop a relationship with her son.

salesman1979

Savvy_Sue said:

Well, you need to speak to her about this. 

If she wants to make a go of it, her Dad may be a useful ally. But she has to be willing to stand up to her mum, and to work out how you can develop a relationship with her son.

I’m confident I can do both given the chance but the problem is that I’m not being given the chance to try. 

We have a day out planned with all the kids and I’m very concerned about how it’s gonna go. I fear her son will have a tantrum and demand to go home the second something doesn’t go his way. 

bouicca21

Maybe it’s just too soon for her to commit fully.  Give her space.  The last thing either of you need is to rush into things.  It takes time to get over the end of a marriage - a bit like mourning with the added complication of trying to work out what went wrong and why.  

Mojisola

bouicca21 said:

It takes time to get over the end of a marriage - a bit like mourning with the added complication of trying to work out what went wrong and why.  

And it could take her son even longer. 

salesman and GF have a long history - for her son, salesman is a sudden new man in their lives who seems to be replacing his Dad.

salesman1979

Mojisola said:

bouicca21 said:

It takes time to get over the end of a marriage - a bit like mourning with the added complication of trying to work out what went wrong and why.  

And it could take her son even longer. 

salesman and GF have a long history - for her son, salesman is a sudden new man in their lives who seems to be replacing his Dad.

I get that. It’s all new to my kids too. I guess I’m just feeling frustrated because I’ve done my best to integrate her into my life and overall it’s been a success but I feel that she’s not really trying to integrate me into hers.