Girlfriend Keeping Me Separate

Mojisola

salesman1979 said:

I get that. It’s all new to my kids too. I guess I’m just feeling frustrated because I’ve done my best to integrate her into my life and overall it’s been a success but I feel that she’s not really trying to integrate me into hers. 

And this is what you need to talk about with her so that you know where you stand.

gettingtheresometime

Why did her marriage end? Was she the innocent party? 

Tbh I can see her mum's pov, especially if your gf was the one who got hurt. Last time Mum met you, you were a little oik (by your own admission) so she's expecting you to hurt her daughter again.

of course you could always show the mum that you've grown up & now are a responsible adult. 

Pollycat

salesman1979 said:

My GF and I have been together almost 2 years now (she was also my first love and we were together 18 months as teenagers). We had remained in contact as friends and we had both assumed the other had moved on, turns out we hadn’t, we both always saw each other as the one. 

Both our marriages have ended and we got together almost immediately after her marriage ended.  We see each other regularly and spend every other weekend together, we have our kids on the other weekends. 

We’ve met each other’s kids and have introduced them to each other. Interaction between them all had been very limited but has happened a few times. I had my kids for a week over Xmas and she came to stay at mine on “our weekend” as normal. My kids were fine with her. 

Her mum completely ignored me last time I saw her. Mainly because I was a bit of an antisocial teen last time we met, and partially because she doesn’t approve of her daughter jumping straight into another relationship. I say hello and asked how she was but she didn’t acknowledge at all. Her dad is fine with me. He’s even asked her if I’m the one and she’s told him I am. 

She has recently started telling me that things may not be able to move forward as we have hoped and planned due to her son. He can be a very difficult child at the best of times. She’s also mentioned her mum not accepting me. 

We spent this weekend at mine and went out last night. She’s going to a family party this afternoon but I came to hers with her to do something for her. Just before her parents arrived to pick her up she asked me to move away from the windows so her mum didn’t see me. I don’t know why but this really hit me hard. I’m starting to feel like I’m never gonna be a part of her life fully like you’d expect to be. I think it’s always gonna be me and her and then her and her son and the rest of her family. 

How did you respond to this?

You really need to sit down and have a honest talk about where you both see this relationship going.

salesman1979

gettingtheresometime said:

Why did her marriage end? Was she the innocent party? 

Tbh I can see her mum's pov, especially if your gf was the one who got hurt. Last time Mum met you, you were a little oik (by your own admission) so she's expecting you to hurt her daughter again.

of course you could always show the mum that you've grown up & now are a responsible adult. 

Her marriage ended before it even started really. She got pregnant to the guy, he said he would stand by her, they stayed together but he was horrible to her from the start. She endured it for 19 years for the sons sake basically until everything finally reached breaking point and she ended it. 

Our original relationship ended mainly due to us being young. She was moving away to university and didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship. She’s always told me this was the biggest mistake she’s ever made. 

Yes I was a bit of an antisocial teenage rebel in my younger days but nobody can ever deny that I’ve always treated her like a princess. Even in the last 20 years I’ve always been there if she needed anything. She’s always been my best friend. 

Obviously I’ve matured a lot, I have my own business which is going really well etc. her mum knows all of this. 

CookieMonster

salesman1979 said:

Our original relationship ended mainly due to us being young. She was moving away to university and didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship. She’s always told me this was the biggest mistake she’s ever made. 

You weren't important enough to her then, and you aren't important enough to her now.
Plus you will now come after her son, her family, her pets, her friends...

Do yourself a favour and don't get deeper involved.

Spendless

I am Mum to a teenage girl (nearly19) who split up with her boyf of 2 years at the same point you did in life. Would I welcome him back 20 years on, especially if it was just after her marriage split up? Probably not. I believe my view of him would be very much influenced by what I remembered of his teenage self. In the past two years that you and gf have been back together, how much time and effort have you put in to convincing Mum that you are a changed person from your teenage years? 

The son, is a different matter. Unless there's disabilities, the son will probably eventually move out, get a job, have a partner/family of their own.  That gf has to consider son and how he feels now doesn't mean that is always going to take priority.

onomatopoeia99

Sounds like she needs to grow up if she's still not capable of standing up to her mother about who she's in a relationship with, and won't tackle said mother about her treatment of you.  Haviing kids of your own doesn't make you into a grown up, even if you're legally an adult.

As for the mother, where does she get off manipulating her daughter's life like that?  What a terrible thing for a parent to do to an adult child, I can't believe no-one on here has called her out on it.

If either of my parents couldn't be kind and welcoming to someone I'd been in a relationship with for two years already, I'd sever all contact.  I'd certainly not ask a long term partner to hide from them.

salesman1979

Spendless said:

I am Mum to a teenage girl (nearly19) who split up with her boyf of 2 years at the same point you did in life. Would I welcome him back 20 years on, especially if it was just after her marriage split up? Probably not. I believe my view of him would be very much influenced by what I remembered of his teenage self. In the past two years that you and gf have been back together, how much time and effort have you put in to convincing Mum that you are a changed person from your teenage years? 

The son, is a different matter. Unless there's disabilities, the son will probably eventually move out, get a job, have a partner/family of their own.  That gf has to consider son and how he feels now doesn't mean that is always going to take priority.

I’ve only met mum once this time around. She came to the house while I was there. I said hello and she completely ignored me. I said it again and asked how she was and she completely ignored me again. So I just left it. 

I get on fine with her dad. 

Even this weekend, her mum was gonna drop something round on Friday night until she found out I’d be there. So she dropped it round in the daytime instead. 

MalMonroe

"Just before her parents arrived to pick her up she asked me to move away from the windows so her mum didn’t see me" - what?

That would hit me hard, too. How old is your girlfriend that her mother still has such control over her? 

I think you just need to carry on as you are for the time being. Your children and hers will all grow up, leave home and then you'll both be on your own. But try to see it from all the children's points of view. I'd have hated it if either of my parents had had new partners if their marriage ended (it didn't, thankfully but I'd have not been welcoming of any new partners. At all.). I think it's good to respect all the children's needs right now. My own child's needs and wishes would certainly come first every time with me, especially as she is also the child of a broken home (some children never really recover from that).

If it feels like things aren't working for you, then maybe it'd be the kindest thing all round to end it now. But the good thing is that you've both declared that you are still each other's 'one' and you see each other regularly. That may have to do for now. Because as time goes on, things will change. You'll just have to be more patient for a while longer - it's not a perfect situation by any means but at least you have found each other again.

sevenhills

salesman1979 said:

Just before her parents arrived to pick her up she asked me to move away from the windows so her mum didn’t see me. I don’t know why but this really hit me hard. I’m starting to feel like I’m never gonna be a part of her life fully like you’d expect to be. I think it’s always gonna be me and her and then her and her son and the rest of her family. 

Sounds a little like me and my ex, except that our relationship never really took off.

We did meet each others families, tho I never met her parents.

She seemed to put her grown-up Son before everything else. There was a glimmer of hope, but it sounds like you have progressed much further. Perhaps you should accept the little bit of love that you have found?