Break up I don't want

steveouk

My wife said last Sunday she wants to split up. 
After a difficult week I am now spending time many miles away with my parents for 10 days or so. 
I really want to change but she says it's too late. 
There are fertility problems with me so we tried adoption but that has broken down due to my mental health breakdown this time last year. 
She says she wants to end it now and has no energy to try. 
I want to try and will do anything to get help change my self and be healthy and address any issues in the relationship 
I don't want this breakup

Savvy_Sue

I am sorry, this is not what you want to hear, but unless both parties are willing to work on it, there is nothing you can do to fix this relationship.

What you can do is continue to work on yourself, improve your mental health, and try to give her the best possible divorce experience. That will also be the best possible divorce experience for you. No fighting, begging, pleading, stalking ...

See a relationship counsellor. Listen to what your wife has said. Be honest.

I wish you well. 

steveouk

Thanks sue. My parents and friends are trying to help work on these things.  
I have so much support than I realised and more than thus time last year too. 
I just want to call and chat to her I miss her so much 

Retireby40

What is causing your mental health problems. Depression? Addiction? The relationship? Work? What is the cause. Maybe by addressing that you can move forward.

That said. Maybe your wife resents the fact you can't make her a mother naturally and if you are affecting her ability to adopt there may not be a way back.

Echo what others have said about working on yourself. Talk to friends and family. Maybe look at counselling.

steveouk

Causes are depression relationship and work. An element of each. 
I am awaiting another set of counselling with work. 

She deeply resents that I have affected her and she is broken by lack of a route to a child. 

I see so clearly now all that I have neglected. I have so much desire to change and save things. I will do anything that is needed

74jax

I have looked a little at your posting history, just to get a little background, and as far back as 2018 you and your wife were not seeing eye to eye. 

Sadly perhaps for her, she feels as though you both have been trying for the last 3.5yrs and its just not getting better, afterall that is a long time to try and get a marriage on track.

I would say, it's not just you; it takes 2 to make a relationship work and if only 1 wants to keep trying, but 1 has 'checked out' of the relationship then it just won't work.

I echo everyone else, focus on yourself and be the best version of yourself for your future YOU. 

Savvy_Sue

You could write how you're feeling, but don't send her what you write! Give her space, respect what she says, allow her to grieve what she's lost, and allow yourself to do the same. Because you can't force your wishes on her. She would have to want it too.

lincroft1710

Clearly she also has issues. The picture you paint of her is that of a woman who wanted marriage primarily for having children, rather than for the love of two people for one another.


As others have said, accept the situation. There appears to be no way back, so don't be obstructive, agree to a divorce and try and make it as amicable as possible.

MalMonroe

Hi, I found myself in a similar position quite a few years ago. But we already had a child. Having or not having children does not have any effect on a good, solid relationship. It's just detrimental for the child to be brought into a rocky one. And I don't think that your not being able to 'provide' your wife with a child has any bearing on your marriage. I had never had any intention of having a divorce or being a single parent but the decision was taken out of my hands when my husband up and left. There was another woman, yes but I hadn't ever wanted my marriage to end. He is now on his fourth marriage and lives overseas whereas I haven't formed any close relationships.

Once I'd managed to adjust to my new living arrangements - and I was really heartbroken by the failure of my marriage - I knew that I wanted to focus on raising our daughter and didn't want to bring any new partners home. My daughter had a bad enough time with the vindictive stepmother she had to endure for ten years and I still can't trust anyone 100%. I had to become self-reliant and independent and started travelling to various locations overseas with my daughter to visit far flung relatives and friends. Later I studied for and gained a 2.1 BA Honours degree. I'm here to tell you that there is life after a relationship breakdown. 

You say "She deeply resents that I have affected her and she is broken by lack of a route to a child."  Did she actually say that? Because if so, that in itself indicates that she doesn't love you as I'd expect a partner to love me. Unless she is just using that as an excuse. You really do deserve much better. I'd be lost without my daughter and I really do think children are a blessing but if you are unable to have any, for whatever reason, no loving partner would be that cruel. Part of the marriage vows specify helping each other in sickness and in health. Doesn't seem to me as if you've had much, if any, support.

When I felt able to face it, I decided to have counselling and it was very helpful indeed. I hope you find it as helpful as I did, even though, reading between the lines, you sound as if you're not really expecting much of it. It does help. Even if you just have a chance to cry and pour out your problems. I found I cried quite a bit. But it's healing.

And to be honest, it sounds like your wife could do with some counselling herself as she appears to be obsessed with having a child. Wanting a family is natural but it seems as if for her, that is the be all and end all to life.

Think yourself lucky because you have parents who are obviously very supportive, you were able to go and stay with them. But don't blame yourself for the break up because it really isn't your fault. Your wife wants to get out and it does seem as if she's using every excuse she can think of. Why on earth should you change and try to become someone you're not? Partners are supposed to love us for who and what we are, warts and all. Let your wife go. She isn't the right one for you. 

You need some time to be kind to yourself and to get over the breakdown of your marriage. Once you accept that it is really over, you will be able to start moving forward to the life that you want and deserve. Things may seem bleak now but you can and will recover in time. I found my independence and new friends, too. In fact, my life really opened up. I wish you all the best of everything. 

sammyjammy

Time will heal, talking to her will only cause you more pain in the long run.  I'm sad if you want and can't have children but you cannot be blamed for that, is not your choice.

steveouk

Thank you for all your comments i will try to read and reply a bit more tomorrow. I was keeping it together but only until about 7pm. Broke down in so many tears. Lots of tea and hugs with parents. Gotta pull myself together for work tomorrow