Trying to Hide a Secret £20,000 Debt is as Tricky As it Sounds! (:#)

CMD79

Hi Fellow DFWs and Casual Lurkers with lots of advice!

So, I'll try not to make this post too lengthily, but it's difficult to explain how I managed to wrack up £20,000 of debt (not including the car finance or mortgage).

Long story short - I'm a nightmare with money. I'm such a general nightmare that at times in the last 25 officially years as an adult, there have been times when I've slept in my car, moved in with my mum without really telling anyone, including her that that was what I was doing and have on several occassions been at the point of - not being suicidal, but thinking about suicide To be clear, I've never been at the point where suicide has been an option.

Luckily for me, I found someone and got married. He is unaware of this. He knows I'm a nightmare, and he knows I have a couple credit cards. The amount he thinks I owe is around £16,000 short of what it actually is. Now, I'm sure any readers of this post will immediately respond, "TELL HIM!!" So, I'll get this out of the way by saying, I absolutely will not and cannot tell him. The reason I'm here, is because I think I can repay my debt and I'm after some encouragement to get that done and have an outlet so I feel like I'm committing it to it here if that makes sense. 

I had my lightbulb moment on 24th January 2022 when my outgoings are now definitely more that my incomings.

I've been thinking and intending to clear my debt seriously since I got married in 2014. At that time, my debt was about £6,000. So, I thought I'd start crafting and selling to clear this £6,000. £2,000 spent on various supplies, I was then £8,000 in debt and had a load of stuff I couldn't sell!! I had a child, went on maternity leave and starting gambling through the night to pay my debt off.... (genious!!) That could have been really bad!! Fortunitely, I just about came away after 12 months of that about even, so still £8,000 in debt. A fews years later, it had crept up to about £10,000 and I realised I needed to really do something about this persistent debt. I took out a consolidation loan - you know where this is going now don't you?! I paid off the cards and within a few months starting using them for bits and bobs. I discover I have ADHD about this time and so now I understand my impulsive behaviour which at least has stopped me loathing myself and explains why I find it difficult to keep jobs. I'm good at getting jobs though, so I dont't generally have an issue with unemployment, but unfortunitely, I usually get to a crisis point around Autumn and so am out of work for Christmas which means, because I'm starting something new in the New Year, I pile Christmas onto the credit cards that I had cleared thinking I'll pay it off when I'm back to work. That's been 4 Christmases in a row now, so that's where the £20,000 has come from.

Here is my summery:

Total Debt as on 24th January 2022: £20,512.78

I have managed to get it down a bit by paying off my minimum payments, checked for a tax overpayment (got £475!!) saving the change, mystery shopping, spending less on my groceries, and payment off whatever I can, so the current state:

Zopa: £6780
Barclaycard: £6201
Tescobank: £3472
Very: £1423
Next: £657
Fluid: £366

Total: £18899

Using the website What's the Cost, I'm hoping to be paid off by April 2024, but going to commit to December 2024.

Thanks for all the inspiration in sharing your own stories, I have had read quite a few and what some of you have achieved, is incredible.

I'm trying to decide which of these to commit to paying off. Very is a staggering 49.9%, so it should be that, but would I get a boost by clearing Fluid (which is still high at 30.5%) quickly!? The other thought is to pay Very with the cards which are all lower interest, but I've come a cropper to that old chesnut before! 

I'm tackling VERY! They can poke their overpriced catalogue and ridiculous APR. I'm going to Mystery Shop, Complete Surveys and Opinion Polls, and Sell stuff to FREEDOM!

(Wish me luck - I will obviously need it!)

C xx

Grumpelstiltskin

Yes I will tell you to tell him.

How many lies are you going to have to tell him?

You are happy with lying to him X number of times over the next few years?

In my mind not the way a married couple should behave.

CMD79

Grumpelstiltskin said:

Yes I will tell you to tell him.

How many lies are you going to have to tell him?

You are happy with lying to him X number of times over the next few years?

In my mind not the way a married couple should behave.

Hi Grumpelstiltskin,

It's difficult to get across the level of shame and guilt I feel and I suffer long periods of self-loathing, so I don't expect anyone to understand my lying and keeping it from him. But to try to explain it, the strain my marriage has been under because of my mental health has been quite intense, and if I tell him, he would not be able to forgive me. My biggest fear in my life is my daughter being like me, so I know that if my marriage breaks down (and I'm sobbing my heart out as I'm writing this) but I know she'd have a much better chance of having a good life staying with him. 

You're absolutely right in what you're saying - it's not how a married couple of should behave, but I wouldn't have much to live for without my daughter, so that's my way of trying to survive.

I'm really hoping for some encouragement to pay my debt because I don't want my daughter to suffer because I'm such a failure.

xxx

Amber1980

Here to say hi and good luck!
You are doing the right thing by taking charge of the debt and only you know your situation and how much you want to share with your husband,I know plenty of people won’t agree with you keeping a certain amount of information from him but you are a grown woman who is capable of knowing what’s best for now,you never know you might decide to tell him at some point when you’re feeling better about things,you sound very low and hard on yourself,it’s so much harder when we are struggling emotionally to feel good about anything,I also struggle with my mental health and have made decisions I have regretted over the years but if you can get yourself into a better place emotionally everything will feel better.
You haven’t done anything terrible or unfixable,please be kind to yourself and well done on starting the diary, you can do this,one day at a time.
Sending positive happy thoughts to you 😊😊

poppy811

Sadly no choice here, you have to bite the bullet and tell your husband,  Maybe contact someone like Stepchange so you can present him with a plan.  Best of luck and well done for strarting to tackle this

Amber1980

Meant to say you’re not a failure you’re brave for getting this out there x

theoretica

So, what is your plan for next Christmas?  Because it reads like you need one!

Good luck - do you still have the craft things? Because selling them as supplies might work.

CMD79

Amber1980 said:

Here to say hi and good luck!
You are doing the right thing by taking charge of the debt and only you know your situation and how much you want to share with your husband,I know plenty of people won’t agree with you keeping a certain amount of information from him but you are a grown woman who is capable of knowing what’s best for now,you never know you might decide to tell him at some point when you’re feeling better about things,you sound very low and hard on yourself,it’s so much harder when we are struggling emotionally to feel good about anything,I also struggle with my mental health and have made decisions I have regretted over the years but if you can get yourself into a better place emotionally everything will feel better.
You haven’t done anything terrible or unfixable,please be kind to yourself and well done on starting the diary, you can do this,one day at a time.
Sending positive happy thoughts to you 😊😊

Thank you. Yes, I know that information will be difficult to understand. If I told him, we would get divorced, the house would be sold and I could pay all my debts off overnight. But I'd lose my daughter. 

Thanks for the positive thoughts xxx

CMD79

poppy811 said:

Sadly no choice here, you have to bite the bullet and tell your husband,  Maybe contact someone like Stepchange so you can present him with a plan.  Best of luck and well done for strarting to tackle this

I am going to contact Stepchange, yes. I can't tell him though. 

Amber1980

no  judgment from me at all,do what you need x

MalMonroe

CMD79 said:

Grumpelstiltskin said:

Yes I will tell you to tell him.

How many lies are you going to have to tell him?

You are happy with lying to him X number of times over the next few years?

In my mind not the way a married couple should behave.

Hi Grumpelstiltskin,

It's difficult to get across the level of shame and guilt I feel and I suffer long periods of self-loathing, so I don't expect anyone to understand my lying and keeping it from him. But to try to explain it, the strain my marriage has been under because of my mental health has been quite intense, and if I tell him, he would not be able to forgive me. My biggest fear in my life is my daughter being like me, so I know that if my marriage breaks down (and I'm sobbing my heart out as I'm writing this) but I know she'd have a much better chance of having a good life staying with him. 

You're absolutely right in what you're saying - it's not how a married couple of should behave, but I wouldn't have much to live for without my daughter, so that's my way of trying to survive.

I'm really hoping for some encouragement to pay my debt because I don't want my daughter to suffer because I'm such a failure.

xxx

Hi, whilst I agree with others about telling your husband - in an ideal marriage you support and help each other no matter what - I do understand your plight. You really have taken the first step by coming here. You are NOT a failure at all.

You are not the only person who has struggled with mental health issues and what seems like insurmountable debt. Embarrassment, disgust and shame are familiar feelings when you're in debt but you really shouldn't beat yourself up.
If you contact one of the free debt help agencies and talk to an advisor, that's the second step to sorting your problems.

I was in a very similar situation and at the end of my tether about 9 years ago and contacted StepChange, who really helped me. The advisor was friendly and helpful and most importantly, non-judgemental. She recommended a DRO and that may be the way forward for you too. She helped me every step of the way. There are other free agencies and I've given some links below.

https://www.stepchange.org/
https://nationaldebtline.org/
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/help-with-debt/

You are NOT a bad person. Please do contact one of the helpful agencies - your life will change for the better. Many of us on this site have been in a similar situation to you and we have survived. You will too.  All the best to you.    x