Embarrassed, ashamed, terrible husband? But trying to do better...

kazyg12

Hi 

I was in your position in October last year sick with worry debt that I couldn’t pay off. My husband knew nothing about it. 

Telling him wasn’t great but the wave of relief I’ve felt ever since knowing that I’m not alone anymore and he’s helping me threw you can’t put a price on that. Yes he was shocked yes he can’t trust me with money just yet but yes he was amazing and is helping me work threw everything. I was terrified he was going to leave me but he hasn’t and we are stronger than ever. 

My only regret was that I didn’t tell him sooner then the debt would have been so much smaller. 

Good luck stay strong and also speak to Mind in regards to your mental health they are amazing. 

Xx

Amber1980

Really sorry you’re struggling.
Debt problems are terrible for our mental health (and I tend to find vice versa!).
I find I feel better when I take some control, and get the things I am dreading over and done with but absolutely no judgment as I can also put things off when I’m feeling low!
Sending strength and positive thoughts you can get on top of this and move forward to a great life.

Failure_husband

Thank you again everyone for reaching out. I am going to tell her this week, I have to, I know I do. I’m just making the most of telling her I love her and hearing her say it back, because I feel like I will never hear it again after she knows. I know that’s selfish of me.

AntoMac

One thing I have learned is that these dreaded conversations are nearly always nowhere as bad as we think they might be. You’ve already taken a massive step by facing up to the problem.
I think Failure_husband is an unfortunate choice of username. We all make mistakes. Getting into debt doesn’t make you a failure as a husband, particularly as you are determined and able to sort this. 

Amber1980

Failure_husband said:

Thank you again everyone for reaching out. I am going to tell her this week, I have to, I know I do. I’m just making the most of telling her I love her and hearing her say it back, because I feel like I will never hear it again after she knows. I know that’s selfish of me.

You’re being horribly hard on yourself.I’ll go into more detail one day but my husband has made some terrible financial decisions over the years that I only found out about afterwards and it impacted our life hugely but I didn’t stop loving him.We are all human and make mistakes, I honestly think you will look back on this time and realise it wasn’t as bad as you think.Your wife I’m sure would hate to know how bad you are feeling about this 😊🙏

enthusiasticsaver

I think you have built this up in your head and are being very tough on yourself.  You have not really mentioned what your family circumstances are in terms of finances.  Do you have joint accounts/cards and how are the bills divided between you?  Do you have children? I think you are right to tell your wife face to face and accept she has a right to feel miffed first of all for the debt and second for you keeping it from her.  Give her time and space to get her head round it. Also believe this will not ruin your life.  If you wish to go to Australia at some point this will not in itself be a barrier although you will need to have an amount saved so it may delay it.  If your debt is £15800 and you are currently paying £300 a month then it will be about 4 years to clear it but there is nothing to say if your income increases you cannot either save up to pay F and Fs or up the stepchange payment to get it gone earlier.  Does your wife work too? 

LittleMissDetermined

Completely agree with some of the recent comments about how hard you are being on yourself and that it's most likely not going to be as bad as you are imagining.  Think of the impact the waiting will have on your mental health and I hope you can get it out in the open soon. 
LMD x

ladyholly

If I can add my two pennorth. Put yourself in your wife's place and reverse the situation i. e. she has the debt. Would you stop loving her?  Yes you would be angry and upset but would you be filing for divorce?
I don't know how long you have been married but every marriage has up and downs. Sometimes the downs are a long way down but if you both get on the same page you will get through this down and be able to find the up together.
Be brave and tell her ASAP once your in laws have left. Good luck and let us know how you are doing. 

twiggy86

I'm awful at lurking and not commenting, but after reading your diary earlier I really wanted to come back after reading a post on the main thread called “I had no idea we were in debt!” - where a lady posted after discovering last year that her husband had incurred over £40k in debt. Her final words of the post are “No judgement on my husband please, he has just been trying to be a good man and got stuck in a hole he never intended.” 

I’m not saying that all of circumstances are necessarily the same, but this lady seems to be very supportive of her husband and is trying to help them both solve this situation. So I guess I’m trying to say, please be gentle on yourself. You’ve messed up (we’ve all messed up), but you haven’t messed up in the most awful way and it doesn’t mean that you are bad person. 

Failure_husband

Update: Once again thank you everyone for your kind words. 

Tonight I bit the bullet and told my wife what’s been going on. To say she was unhappy would be a massive understatement. I genuinely don’t know if we will move on from this, she will rightfully never trust me again after this, and at the moment doesn’t see a future for us. I know it’s still raw and I’m hoping I can fix/patch things up but the future is looking very bleak at the moment.

a small part of me, deep down under all the dread and despair feels as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now it’s out in the open. I know the next few days/weeks/months/years are going to be hell. I am trying though. People here have made me realise that I am at least trying. Thank you for the replies. I may be missing for a few days now while I attempt to save my marriage, if there is even any hope at all of doing that.