Embarrassed, ashamed, terrible husband? But trying to do better...

Aspiration

Agreed with all, have the conversation in person if you can. 

You’ve admitted the problem which is a huge step so really well done. 

Good Luck OP

Failure_husband

Hi all, thank you so much for the amazing replies I've received here so far. I have read them all and they are all helping me feel a lot better about the situation. 

Like i said previously I've been very close to the edge worrying about this and if I'm honest, i have been in a dark place recently with worry. So knowing there are people out there who have been in a similar position to me and are working through it makes me feel much better.

I have taken on board what people have said about telling my wife face to face and although I am absolutely terrified, I am going to do my best to do so. I wanted to do this tomorrow, but my wife reminded me she has a job interview and trial shift tomorrow so I believe it will be un-fair to do this to her on such an important day, so instead I am going to try and build the courage to do it over the weekend instead.

I cancelled all my direct debits yesterday which was so scary and I've already had companies messaging me to say that if the direct debits aren't reinstated they will be serving me with a formal notice. I know that this is going to happen, but it still doesn't make it any easier.

If it is ok with people, over the next few days I am going to go through all the comments and reply to some more specific comments to get some help/more information if people don't mind. I feel both proud and scared of the future right now but like i said I've found all the replies really helpful.

Just writing it down like this is such a big help so I feel I will be coming back here a lot of the next few months with up dates. Even if no one else reads them, its good for me to have a space to get things out.

Thank you all so much!

MalMonroe

Hello, just wanted to add that I agree that you should speak to your wife in person - but as you say, once her stressful things are out of the way. Please don't be absolutely terrified to speak to your wife. She married you, she must love you and also, don't forget that saying about a problem shared being a problem halved. If you can't speak to your wife about these things, who can you speak to? I'm sure she'd feel upset if she knew that you were terrified to tell her about your troubles. 

You've managed to face up to your debts and you're now on the way to becoming solvent and you are still very young. Everyone's a bit scared of the future because none of us knows what's in store but you have some great plans with your wife. Being honest with each other is essential. 

Once you've managed to tell your wife, you can face the future together without things hanging over your head and you won't feel so alone and scared. 

You are certainly NOT a failure and you mustn't think like that. You're just someone who has, like most of us on this forum, found themselves in financial trouble. But you have done something about it and you're not just wallowing in self-pity. You should be proud of yourself.  Good luck!   

BadBookkeeper

Hi, if you haven’t already, have a a read through the ‘debt free roll of honour’ stories.  Very inspiring from people who were where you are now and how they cleared debts and are now debt free.  No debt is ever unsolvable.  Good luck 

LittleMissDetermined

Failure_husband said:

If it is ok with people, over the next few days I am going to go through all the comments and reply to some more specific comments to get some help/more information if people don't mind. I feel both proud and scared of the future right now but like i said I've found all the replies really helpful.

It's more than OK! 

Failure_husband said:

Just writing it down like this is such a big help so I feel I will be coming back here a lot of the next few months with up dates. Even if no one else reads them, its good for me to have a space to get things out.

I use mine more for my own accountability and sometimes you do feel like you're rambling on to yourself but people are there and reading, but they may not have the time to comment so they just drop a 'thanks' to let you know they're reading.

I echo the comments that you're NOT a failure, you may have lost your way but you're now recalculating and will soon be on the right track. And you will feel so much better about it!

LMD x

Tiredbutdetermined

Glad you are going to speak to her face to face. 

It won’t be an easy conversation but at least you are not just hitting her with the problems and you have the clear and measured solutions in place too

Amber1980

Just wondering how you are doing…😊

Failure_husband

Amber1980 said:

Just wondering how you are doing…😊

Thank you for thinking about me. If I’m honest, I’m not doing great. Pay day today. Which is always difficult anyway, because that’s when the lies start to my wife about money. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. I’ll be honest my mental health is taking a kicking.

I haven’t been able to tell my wife yet. My plan was to do it Saturday, but her parents turned up about the blue to stay with us for a week so I just couldn’t do it. 

I have my letter written to use as somewhat as a script, but I’m absolutely terrified and feel sick to my stomach  

mr_stripey

Failure_husband said:

Amber1980 said:

Just wondering how you are doing…😊

Thank you for thinking about me. If I’m honest, I’m not doing great. Pay day today. Which is always difficult anyway, because that’s when the lies start to my wife about money. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. I’ll be honest my mental health is taking a kicking.

I haven’t been able to tell my wife yet. My plan was to do it Saturday, but her parents turned up about the blue to stay with us for a week so I just couldn’t do it. 

I have my letter written to use as somewhat as a script, but I’m absolutely terrified and feel sick to my stomach  

stay strong pal. It's not easy and I know exactly how you feel. There's never going to be a good time to do this, but appreciate that the in laws turning up is not ideal.


Thanks for checking back in. Sent you a PM

edwink

Just to wish you all the best and I sincerely hope you do manage to speak to your wife because that in itself will take a lot of weight off your shoulders.  Once you have it all out in the open I am sure your nerves won't be on edge so much and you will start to feel calmer in yourself. Admitting to what has been happening to you financially on this forum is an excellent start to get your finances back on track.

Very well done for coming on to the forum and getting it all out in your first post. Just keep moving forward and try to be positive as you will go in the right direction now you have made a good start.

I agree with mr_stripey that the inlaws turning up is not ideal. I would wait until you and your wife are on your own so you can sit down together and go through everything. 

Best of luck

Edwink