Embarrassed, ashamed, terrible husband? But trying to do better...

Failure_husband

Hello everyone,

This is going to be a long post, I apologise in advance, the more i typed the better it felt to get all this out in the open and to write it down getting it off my chest. Thank you in advance for those that stick it out and read all of this and take their time to reply if they do.

I'm new here, I have been reading these posts for a while and it has made me finally take the plunge to start a DMP with StepChange. I was paying around £890 a month off my debt and struggling to get by, pay check to pay check. It wasn't until I saw all of my debt written down that I realised how much trouble I was in. I currently owe £15,800. I have never missed a payment to any of creditors, however I realised very quickly this was because i was just taking out more loans/credit cards to cover others and it was starting to spiral out of control. StepChange have been great so far, I started and applied for my DMP yesterday and so far they have been great to deal with, telling me my payment to them will now drop down to £300 a month, which is amazing and will help me to live some what of a more normal life day to day. Just hoping the majority, if not all of my creditors decide to freeze/make my interest smaller.

What went wrong.

My first ever loan was when I was a student aged 19, I managed to run up a big student overdraft and took out a loan to pay it off. I'm now 28 (29 in two weeks time), and since the things have gotten out of hand.Just like everyone else, the past two years have been horrible. Myself and my wife moved house during the pandemic and both started new jobs. Also during this time, we lost a very close loved one, and it hit us both hard.

I started taking out loans and paying for things on credit cards as "little treats", thinking it would be fine and I would just pay it back when/if I could. I have very quickly realised how stupid and immature this was of me. I then got stuck into the idea of "I will just borrow this to pay off this, and have a little extra left over to spend". Little did i realise these loans and cards had really high interest rates. Things have spiraled and got out of hand.

Over the last 12 months, my mental health has really suffered due to this, constantly worrying about how I am going to afford things. To make things worse I have done possibly the worst thing ever and not mentioned any of this to my wife. We are planning to eventually moved to Australia, hoping to move by the time we are 35. For this move I was supposed to be saving, she thinks we have £2000 saved so far, but in fact we have nothing, as I have completed the ultimate betrayal and spent it to try and pay off MY debt.

I feel so ashamed, I genuinely think this is going to ruin my entire life. My mind keeps rushing to divorce, and her hating me forever, knowing I have ruined our future and plans together. Over the last twelve months I have been so close to the edge, I feel like the worst person ever, I have failed her.

I know I have to tell her. However I am terrified. My plan is to write it all in a letter for her on Friday. I am working that day and she is off for three days so it will give her a few days to get her head around things. I am going to write everything that has gone wrong and everything that has happened. But also write to her about the solutions and steps I am taking to put things right. My DMP, my affordability complaints with one already offering £1000 in interest off what I owe. I am hoping she will see these solutions and steps as a positive and understand how I'm hoping to change and turn my life around. I have also researched our hopeful move to Australia and found that credit checks aren't needed for a Visa and that our credit scores won't really matter/affect us out there. I am going to make sure she is aware of this.

I am in a strange place at the moment, i feel proud that I am making a good step in life to get rid of this debt, but I also feel ashamed, embarrassed and terrified about telling my wife. Thank you for reading this and thank you for any comments/advice that I might get.

Please help this terrible husband  

enthusiasticsaver

You have faced up to the debt and made a plan with step change so we’ll done for that. As for being honest with your wife I think that is essential as you need to make a plan together to clear the debt. Getting a budget in place would be a good first step. Good luck with making a plan and hope your wife will be on board. You could fill out a statement of account which may help you make a plan.  Link below.

http://www.stoozing.com/soa.php

Failure_husband

Thanks for the reply. I do think I’ve made a positive step. I’m just terrified about the future, I really think I’m about to hit rock bottom due to this debt, I’m not sure my wife will take it well, but I’ve only got myself to blame. 

I guess at least I’m already on my way to build back up by starting this plan. Think my motto for the next few weeks/months/years is going to be “Make the most of the small victories”! 

foxgloves

At least you have realised in your 20s that you need to change your behaviours around money. Your story isn't unusual. I too first got into debt as a 19-year old student, my husband too. Like you, our methodology was 'borrow some more, plus a little extra'. It wasn't until we were in our early 40s that we realised just how much of our income we were wasting on debt repayments & decided to throw ourselves into debt-busting. I was 46 when I made the final payment. It's positive, at least, that you have realised your precarious position a lot earlier in life. Yes, there is some talking to be done with your partner, but acknowledging the problem & putting a realistic plan in place are the key first moves.
Good luck with it all. 
F

GeorgianaCavendish

Well done on taking the first step, it’s really terrifying but getting it done will be so good for you. 

Your wife probably suspects something is going on as you’ve been so worried about this for so long. So getting it all out in the open with her will ultimately be a really good thing and then once she’s had time to process the news hopefully you can both work together on this. 

There’s no reason why you can’t balance the DMP with saving for Australia, maybe you won’t make progress on the savings immediately but you’ll learn good habits from these boards that will really help you turn your financial mindset around (speaking from experience!) 

Good luck and keep updating!

LittleMissDetermined

Your situation really resonates with me, my past spending was due to treating myself to feel better after life traumas and then burying my head in the sand about it.  I had been paying down my debt consistently since Deember 19 but then my pinch point change came early 2021 when we decided to move house, I had to face up to what I owed and finally have that conversation with my husband.  At the time I still owed more than £25k and I thought it would prevent us getting a mortgage. My credit rating was 'fair' but only just and I was terrified it would ruin our marriage. 

So, a year on... I am still married, (the owning up wasn't as bad as I imagined to be honest), my debts are now £11900, we have moved to a lovely big house in a wonderful area AND my credit score with Experian has just maxed out at 999! 

I suppose my message for you is that IT IS achievable, and you have the added benefit of Stepchange. I'm not saying it's been easy, because it hasn't. And there are things I've missed out on and things I haven't been able to afford. But our bills get paid, we have enough to eat and we go out a couple of times a month. 

Whatever you do to plan your debt-busting, please make sure you have some 'living-money' so that you don't feel like it's all doom and gloom. 

I will subscribe to your diary to help cheer you on. It would be helpful for you to post your SOA so that we might see where more cuts can be made. 

One last thing, consider speaking to your wife face to face if you can.  You will cut out some worrying time as you won't be waiting for her to get/read the letter.  Don't forget, wedding vows include 'for richer or poorer' and I really hope she has a better reaction than you are imagining. 

Lots of luck
LMD x

mr_stripey

I'll write a more detailed reply in a bit - but just wanted to say well done for facing up to it.

I've been almost exactly where you are and having to own up to hidden debt from my wife. Actually although it was a pretty horrendous experience, we did come through it for a time. A few years down the line we did separate, but that was more to do with the fact she met someone else, rather than as a direct result of the debt.

It is worth remembering that although I had allowed the debt to build up, it wasn't actually "stuff" for me that it was being spent on - trips to Disneyland, her deciding to buy a caravan etc and our collective failure to budget properly were among the real reasons (although I would not advise "blaming" her at this stage)

I'd also recommend doing it face to face. By all means write it down first so you know what you are going to say, but you have to face her. Whatever happens from now on, I doubt that giving her the news in a letter is going to improve her mood at all.

GinoOhGinoGinelli

Well done for facing up to your debt and for making a plan. I'm fairly new to this too, so I know how hard it is to take those first steps. I've also had to face the astronomical interest rates on my credit cards... eek!

It sounds like you've had a really tough couple of years but you have a really amazing goal to work towards.

We also moved house during the pandemic, and my credit went through the roof - moving can be so expensive!

Speaking to your wife is a really important part of the journey and I agree with @GeorgianaCavendish about getting it out in the open as your wife probably knows something is wrong given how worried you are.

That's great that you have a DMP with more manageable payments in place - will that allow you to put some money aside to put towards the £2000 savings pot for Australia?

Good luck!

EssexHebridean

I'm going to echo the suggestion that this is REALLY not news to break in a letter - and particularly not one that she will read while you're not there. She will have so many questions - and yes, she will be upset. Please don't put her in the position of having to find out about this while she's on her own! Completely agree that you do need to tell her, and yes it might be helpful to have the bullet points, as it were, so the basic figures, written down so you have the information to hand. 

Your end goal of the move really is quite the incentive to get this situation sorted isn't it, and it also truly sounds as though you have had your "lightbulb moment" too. I assume that you weren't entirely spending on yourself - and over the past couple of years it's been so easy to slip into the trap of feeling as though we need "cheering up" and that spending money will help that. Sure, the situation you're in is far from ideal, but you are also far from the only one to have found yourself here - just a quick look around this board will tell you that. Eventually the feeling of shame will start to flip over into pride that you picked yourself up, faced the situation and dealt with your debts. Do try to hold on to a recollection of quite how dire things feel right now though - and then the next time we, even for a second, consider using credit for "a treat" rather than saving for it, remind yourself of that feeling... 

The lessons you will learn on your debt-free journey will stay with you for life, if you let them - and ultimately, you'll end up better off as a result. Good luck! 

mr_stripey

I feel so ashamed, I genuinely think this is going to ruin my entire life. My mind keeps rushing to divorce, and her hating me forever, knowing I have ruined our future and plans together. Over the last twelve months I have been so close to the edge, I feel like the worst person ever, I have failed her.

This bit resonated with me as it pretty much exactly summed up where I was. You're in the middle of the storm right now and you can't think straight, You *think* that she might end up hating you forever, getting divorced and "ruining your life" but you don't know that for sure and it is certainly possible that it will end up nowhere near like that.

The sooner this is out in the open the better. Good luck with it mate, and if you need any support or need to vent then just post here, or even send a PM.

All the best

Amber1980

Please don’t be so hard on yourself,let us know how you get on with telling your wife,this can all be sorted and I wish you all the best.People do far worse and you are facing up to the debt at a young age,onwards and upwards!Sending strength,it will all work out 😊