Aged mum, widowed daughter & a family group holiday

MalMonroe

You said this "So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday."

But you aren't left in any position. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You do have choices. Just as all the others on the holiday have choices. 

To be honest, if I were you (and I'm really very sorry for your situation) I'd ask my sister to reallocate my ticket to someone else and I would drop out. It sounds as if you're going to have to be on alert all the time because you know, as does everyone else on the trip, that you are going to be the one to be charged with chaperoning your mum. Either that or fighting against doing it.

You're not going to enjoy yourself because you're going to be too busy bending over backwards to please everyone else.  

The fact that your sister has paid for the ticket - I'm afraid it would be a real sticking point with me if she thought that gave her the right to expect me to be a carer whilst on my own holiday - shouldn't mean that you are to be a caregiver.

You deserve better. You deserve to pay for your own holiday of your own choosing. There are holidays meant especially for those who are on their own and you could choose one of those. Like-minded people who have suffered similar experiences to you.

Instead of scheming and planning how to squirm out of something you really don't want to do, why not just be honest and open and say you don't want to. Because it is very obvious that you really don't. 

I'm also on my own because of a divorce I didn't want - children now grown - but I wouldn't want to be manipulated in this way. To be honest I really would much rather be on my own and it sounds like you would too. Generosity - such as your sister's in buying the tickets - shouldn't come with strings attached.

Do your own thing. I fear that you're going to be alienating people whatever you decide - so you may as well do something YOU really want to do.

74jax

gettingtheresometime said:

I just thought I'd give an update as my fears are growing as the holiday approaches.

We're planning to fly to the boat the day before and my sister has already announced that she, with her family & parents in law, have booked a particular restaurant that my BIL particularly likes.

the moment I got the text I knew I was being set up. So I had a think about what I wanted to do and decided that as this will be the first trip I'll be making since my husband died, I wanted to eat alone that night. So I thought I'd be fair to everyone & I mentioned this to my mum. She then asked what my son & his girlfriend were doing & I replied they'd probably be finding the nearest McDonalds (she has some issues about the food she eats), which obviously wouldn't suit my mum. Aunty will probably go with my cousin & his family. So that would leave mum on her own. 

Told mum she needed to discuss it with my sister & when talking about it tonight, apparently the restaurant serves huge portions which again wouldn't suit my mum. So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday.

I must be the only person in the country that hopes their passport doesn't come back in time

If your sister is saying her plans, I don't see any reason why you don't say yours. It makes sence it's their first night so they are going to a restaurant as a family that one party particularly likes. Just as it makes sence you say you would like to eat alone, etc especially from your reasons you have told us.

I'm not sure why it's you left in the position of doing what you like or looking after your mam. It's everyone's position. 

Your mam also needs to speak up, if she doesn't want to be alone at any point she needs to be clear to EVERYONE. 

kimwp

TBagpuss said:

gettingtheresometime said:

I just thought I'd give an update as my fears are growing as the holiday approaches.

We're planning to fly to the boat the day before and my sister has already announced that she, with her family & parents in law, have booked a particular restaurant that my BIL particularly likes.

the moment I got the text I knew I was being set up. So I had a think about what I wanted to do and decided that as this will be the first trip I'll be making since my husband died, I wanted to eat alone that night. So I thought I'd be fair to everyone & I mentioned this to my mum. She then asked what my son & his girlfriend were doing & I replied they'd probably be finding the nearest McDonalds (she has some issues about the food she eats), which obviously wouldn't suit my mum. Aunty will probably go with my cousin & his family. So that would leave mum on her own. 

Told mum she needed to discuss it with my sister & when talking about it tonight, apparently the restaurant serves huge portions which again wouldn't suit my mum. So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday.

I must be the only person in the country that hopes their passport doesn't come back in time

Why not send a text to Sister and Mum to say that you are planning to eat by yourself that eveing so don't plan to join them.
They are announcing their plans, annnounce yours. 

If you mum doesn't want to eat alone, she can joint your sister (and can ask for a smaller serving or just not eat eveything she is servd, as she prefers. Many restuarants can happily do a smaller portion, or she can order a starter instead of a main, or whatever.)


Decide how much time you are happy to spend with her, either alone or as a large group, and make that clear. e.g. invite her to eat with you on a couple of specific nights, and have plas for therenst of the time. (even ifthose plans are 'I'm jut going to go out and eat at the first placethat looks good')

I think this is spot on. I'd make sure to announce your intention of eating alone and consider not saying what you are going to do in case someone decides they want to do that also (very likely that someone will do this if they haven't made plans themselves)

comeandgo

He who pays the piper calls the tunes.  If I was in your position I’d make excuses not to go.  I’d feel so obliged to the person paying for my trip I’d probably be doing things just because it was expected of me and not because I wanted to do it.  

Savvy_Sue

74jax said:

If your sister is saying her plans, I don't see any reason why you don't say yours. It makes sence it's their first night so they are going to a restaurant as a family that one party particularly likes. Just as it makes sence you say you would like to eat alone, etc especially from your reasons you have told us.

I'm not sure why it's you left in the position of doing what you like or looking after your mam. It's everyone's position. 

Your mam also needs to speak up, if she doesn't want to be alone at any point she needs to be clear to EVERYONE. 

I absolutely agree with this, but I'm also prepared to put money on Mother not being prepared to do this. If she's anything like mine was, one is expected to read her mind and KNOW what she wants / will want, and fit in accordingly. 

However, one doesn't HAVE to play her mind games if one is prepared to be 'argumentative' - and I personally WOULD be so prepared. 

Spendless

Your sister and family are eating at a family restaurant - fair enough. Son and girlfriend at Maccys, your wish is to dine alone - again fair enough. Where are the '4 others' that make up your entire party dining?

Also the 'restaurant serves huge portions which won't suit Mum' where has both those bits of info come from? Has your sister said it won't suit Mum, or is that what you are thinking? There's ways round not having a big main meal as has been said. My daughter is vegetarian and faddy there's frequently not something she'll eat under Mains, so she orders a starter and 1 or 2 sides and asks for them to come at the same time as the main meal. 

I agree with you tell them your plans rather than you are told what they are. 

marycanary

I agree with everyone who has said, simply state your plans and get on with them. I am sure it will feel difficult at first but the sky will not fall in and it will become easier each time you do.

Have you spoken to your sister about your fears? If you explained to her the way you have explained it in this thread would she understand and be sympathetic? She must know Mum is negative so if you simply explain that, following your husband's death you can't be with her 100% of the time, what would she say and others on the holiday say? I don't think you can expect them to know what you feel unless you tell them. If you have a history of going along with other people's wishes you might have to tell them more than once. 

You received some very good advice about booking trips and making it clear that you were looking forward to visiting certain sites on the route. Is there still time to do that if you haven't already?

Forgive me if I am wrong, but I sense you find it difficult to voice your needs clearly. Many of us have the same problem, especially with family. You are not being selfish or uncaring, you are not saying you will not spend time with Mum on the holiday, only that you do not want to spend the majority of your time with her. This is very reasonable, don't let anyone make you feel it isn't.

Good luck, I hope you can resolve the issue and have a lovely relaxing and happy holiday.

silvercar

You can see where this is going, everyone declares their own plans as they are entitled to do.
Mum then says, as she is also entitled to do, that she doesn’t mind what she does as long as she isn’t left to eat alone.
Except that everyone has sorted themselves out and so Mum doesn’t have anyone to eat with. Basically everyone’s wishes can’t be met. 

Debbie9009

Is it possible for you to get together with your family and come up with a plan for looking after Mum, maybe everyone could commit to looking after her for one day of the trip, that way no one feels guilty or pressured into taking on looking after her most of the time.  The plan could then be presented to Mum as everyone wanting to have some time with her.  

You certainly shouldn’t be having to look after her the whole time, and I can understand why this is such an concern for you.  I hope you are able to find able to find a way to resolve this. And that you are able to enjoy the trip.

TBagpuss

Debbie9009 said:

Is it possible for you to get together with your family and come up with a plan for looking after Mum, maybe everyone could commit to looking after her for one day of the trip, that way no one feels guilty or pressured into taking on looking after her most of the time.  The plan could then be presented to Mum as everyone wanting to have some time with her.  

You certainly shouldn’t be having to look after her the whole time, and I can understand why this is such an concern for you.  I hope you are able to find able to find a way to resolve this. And that you are able to enjoy the trip.

If eveyone is reasonable then this is a good idea, and it may be worth OP being it up - even if the others would happily leaveOP caring for Mum the hole time if they could get aways with it, expressly flagging up that she will be unhappy if she is left alone, that OP can't take responsibility for her all of the time and that it is reasonable for eveyone to take a turn may make it harder for anyone to refuse .

If theycan't / won't then OP will need to set her boundaries - be clear on how much time she is able to dedicate to Mum, and stand firm, even if that means taht Mum is on her own some of the time. Mum won't be happy, but OP  is not the sole person responsible for mum's happiness and can reasonable say to herself (and indeed to mum and her siblings) that she needs to klolook after herself as well, and cant be solely responsible for Mum.