Aged mum, widowed daughter & a family group holiday

kimwp

Mojisola said:

Set your own expectations - contact the others and ask what the rota is going to be to keep Mum company.
If It becomes obvious that they thought you would be your mother's companion throughout the trip, you have time to change their minds or just drop out. 

I second this, but furthermore - if you volunteer to arrange the rota "so mum's not on her own" then you get to choose which slots you do. Does she even need company all the time?

Savvy_Sue

getmore4less said:

There are usually plenty of activities to suit most age groups, with multigeneration you need to be picking the right ship. 

I'd second this: I don't know who the best for multigeneration are but I know when one of my siblings wanted to do a cruise a friend in the travel industry told them which would suit the teens and which to avoid.  And it was 'OK', but they didn't rave about it. Also some of the activities were over-subscribed so they couldn't do everything they wanted to. 

HOWEVER, the OP knows her mum. If Mum is not minded to 'join in' if she's on her own, that's a very different situation to the one where Mum will get stuck in and have a go at anything, regardless of whether one of the family is with her. 

At an early stage, I'd talk to whoever is paying for this holiday and make your needs and expectations clear. You are of course delighted by their generosity, it is especially welcome after the death of your husband, but you need to be your own person and absolutely will not take on the role of nursemaid / companion to your mum all the time. You are really looking forward to X, Y and Z, so unless Mum wants to join you on those then you will definitely not be with her then, and everyone, especially Mum, needs to understand this. 

(I did occasionally do short breaks with my mother and other family after Dad died: it was exhausting as everything had to revolve round what Mum wanted to do. She'd say she didn't mind if we left her and went to do things, but ...)

gettingtheresometime

Thank you all for not making out to be a bad daughter...I do love her but whilst Hubby was alive, my tolerance levels were much higher than they are now and I'm much more willing to say what I think rather than just think it...but that apparently makes me argumentative.

Hubby & I loved cruises and we often asked mum to join us but she refused as she 'didn't like the idea of sleeping on water' (obviously watched titanic too many times🤦‍♀️) but is going now because 'if the ship goes down at least we'll be all together'.  

There's a WhatsApp group been set up to discuss plans etc but she's not interested in joining it, she's not interested in looking at potential trips saying she look when she gets there & the one place she wanted to go to she's no longer prepared to go to because it's about an hours drive from the port...so you can see why I'm dreading it in a way.

The person is being really generous, there's three solo passengers & we've have own cabin so at least I'll have a 'safe space' so to speak.

I have mentioned to my son & his gf my fears and in fairness to both of them they've said that's unfair on me & they won't let that happen. I obviously need a conversation with the other members of the group as well.

kimwp

You're not a bad daughter at all - no-one has to be around someone who brings them down, regardless of the relationship - there's a difference between making sure someone is ok and giving up your own independence and happiness to make sure they are constantly attended.

If your mum is not interested in joining the WhatsApp or planning trips (it may sound harsh, but assuming she's capable of joining WhatsApp) then that's on her - not your responsibility. 

And if she doesn't want to go on the trips, but you do - then go on the trips. If she's not able to make her own way around (eg wheelchair bound), then it seems fair to have a rota to keep her company on the ship - but only if she then also goes out on the trips that are wheelchair friendly (if this is preferable to staying on the ship with her) - she needs to give a little too. But if she's independent, then she is her own responsibility.

I say all this as someone reasonably caring (36yo with full time job who also volunteers with children and gets up early every day to do Tai chi with my gran for her mobility despite not being a morning person etc). It's really hard to be ok with not being the one that helps, particularly if there's a societal expectation that you do, but once you draw the line at doing what makes you unhappy, you will be so much better and happier for it. (You can then decide to sacrifice ocassionally but the point is that you decide).

getmore4less

If you are already familiar with the cruise life that's a bonus.

I would review the cabin options, the temptation is to book a load close together but it may make more sense to get some distance if you fear the regular knock on the door. 

Good that son/gf are on side let the others know your concerns so you are not springing issues on them once on board if it happens you feel overwhelmed any time.

BrassicWoman

My parents liked nothing more than sitting in the ship's library drinking coffee and staring at people, or annoying the staff. I simply got in the way of that. Perhaps she'd like some quiet time too?

Tip well and let the professionals get on with it  She won't be the first they've seen.

And get all of your excursions booked, just in case they fill up ahead of time. Let people know what you are doing, and that they can join in if they want - but put yourself first.

I hope you have a fab time.

zagfles

Could be your Mum didn't want to go with you before as you don't appear to get on so she didn't want a holiday with someone she doesn't get on with, but in a larger group that doesn't really matter? On a cruise you can do your own thing anyway, they are very good at catering for people with mobility issue etc as cruises generally attract older people.

elsien

zagfles said:

Could be your Mum didn't want to go with you before as you don't appear to get on so she didn't want a holiday with someone she doesn't get on with, but in a larger group that doesn't really matter? On a cruise you can do your own thing anyway, they are very good at catering for people with mobility issue etc as cruises generally attract older people.

Although the OP did say "However I'm getting a little concerned that I'm being seen as the ideal companion to my aged mum for this holiday, primarily by her."

Brie

I agree whole heartedly with a rota for mom.  And maybe another for you - it's a double level that would excuse you from doing something suddenly thrown in your direction.  "oh I would love to swap and look after mom today but Judy and I are going parasailling - she'd be so disappointed if I cancelled and besides I don't want her to think I'm a chicken!!"    There's much to be said about the benefits of a large family!!

  

How elderly, mobile and adventurous is the aged mom??  And how competent.

We went on a cruise with my inlaws (very late 80s).   Inlaws had been on numerous river cruises and had loved seeing all the different places so thought this would be the same.  Wrong.  2 days sailing Southampton to Lisbon on rough seas.  FiL was petrified that he would fall but refused to have any assistance at first.  I eventually told him that if didn't use the rolling zimmer I'd got him he would have to eat all his meals in the cabin on his own.

First stop required a bit of walking, too much for them and that was it for most of the rest of the trip.  We know they would have loved to go ashore but the refused to ask for help (and this was a Saga cruise so used to assisting the old and frail).  Fortunately for us they were good enough to not insist we keep them company and OH & I enjoyed our time ashore and thus were able to (mostly!) enjoy the time with them in the evenings.  And that's every evening.

After FiL died a couple of years later my OH went on another cruise (German Christmas markets) with his mom - the cruise itself was fine but MiL's grip on what was happening was dreadful.  He purchased a better wheelchair for her than standard so that he could get her around the markets knowing that many squares would be cobbled.  She hated being bumped about and after a short visit would insist on going back to the boat.  Despite him explaining repeatedly this was a one shot deal she would insist and when then they were back on the boat she'd talk about going back and buying something from someplace they'd been. 

They both enjoyed the time together but he was a bit shocked at the level of care she needed - particularly as they were sharing a room.

gettingtheresometime

I just thought I'd give an update as my fears are growing as the holiday approaches.

We're planning to fly to the boat the day before and my sister has already announced that she, with her family & parents in law, have booked a particular restaurant that my BIL particularly likes.

the moment I got the text I knew I was being set up. So I had a think about what I wanted to do and decided that as this will be the first trip I'll be making since my husband died, I wanted to eat alone that night. So I thought I'd be fair to everyone & I mentioned this to my mum. She then asked what my son & his girlfriend were doing & I replied they'd probably be finding the nearest McDonalds (she has some issues about the food she eats), which obviously wouldn't suit my mum. Aunty will probably go with my cousin & his family. So that would leave mum on her own. 

Told mum she needed to discuss it with my sister & when talking about it tonight, apparently the restaurant serves huge portions which again wouldn't suit my mum. So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday.

I must be the only person in the country that hopes their passport doesn't come back in time