Aged mum, widowed daughter & a family group holiday

MovingForwards

Do what you want to do, you've made yourself perfectly clear.

Your mom will just have to eat where everyone else is. So what if the portions are big, she doesn't have to eat it all, or can ask for sides and a pudding, or a starter and a pudding only.

elsien

When I used to take my grandmother out and she was concerned about portion size, we’d ask them to just stick a smaller amount on her plate. Most were happy to oblige. That’s not a good enough reason for her not to go. 

Start as you mean to go on and stick to your guns about eating alone. 

kimwp

Agreed. Just tell your sister that you won't be joining them and remind her of anything they need to remember regarding your mum (basically assume that you are all invited, which would be the polite thing to do anyway)

Mojisola

gettingtheresometime said:

the moment I got the text I knew I was being set up.

So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday.

I must be the only person in the country that hopes their passport doesn't come back in time

Who else would know if your passport did come in time?

gettingtheresometime

Mojisola said:

gettingtheresometime said:

the moment I got the text I knew I was being set up.

So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday.

I must be the only person in the country that hopes their passport doesn't come back in time

Who else would know if your passport did come in time?

As tempting as that thought is I couldn't lie to that extent, especially as my sister has paid for the trip.

No I've decided that, as far as I'm concerned I've given mum enough notice to sort alternative arrangements out so I'm going to stick to my guns....I know it will cause 'discussions' but a line needs to be drawn in the sand.

tooldle

kimwp said:

Agreed. Just tell your sister that you won't be joining them and remind her of anything they need to remember regarding your mum (basically assume that you are all invited, which would be the polite thing to do anyway)

Agree with this.
Stop over thinking it. You've been clear on your intentions. There is an option available for mum, if she chooses to take it.

RAS

gettingtheresometime said:

Told mum she needed to discuss it with my sister & when talking about it tonight, apparently the restaurant serves huge portions which again wouldn't suit my mum. So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday.

Let's be practical.

The restaurant do huge portions. Fine.

Mum asks if they do smaller portions for smaller appetites.

If not, she asks for a second plate  and decants what she wouldn't eat onto that for the rest to raid. Sounds like they have large appetites anyway.

TBagpuss

gettingtheresometime said:

I just thought I'd give an update as my fears are growing as the holiday approaches.

We're planning to fly to the boat the day before and my sister has already announced that she, with her family & parents in law, have booked a particular restaurant that my BIL particularly likes.

the moment I got the text I knew I was being set up. So I had a think about what I wanted to do and decided that as this will be the first trip I'll be making since my husband died, I wanted to eat alone that night. So I thought I'd be fair to everyone & I mentioned this to my mum. She then asked what my son & his girlfriend were doing & I replied they'd probably be finding the nearest McDonalds (she has some issues about the food she eats), which obviously wouldn't suit my mum. Aunty will probably go with my cousin & his family. So that would leave mum on her own. 

Told mum she needed to discuss it with my sister & when talking about it tonight, apparently the restaurant serves huge portions which again wouldn't suit my mum. So I'm now left in the position of either doing what I want to do or sucking it up and eating with my mum & setting a precedent for the entire holiday.

I must be the only person in the country that hopes their passport doesn't come back in time

Why not send a text to Sister and Mum to say that you are planning to eat by yourself that eveing so don't plan to join them.
They are announcing their plans, annnounce yours. 

If you mum doesn't want to eat alone, she can joint your sister (and can ask for a smaller serving or just not eat eveything she is servd, as she prefers. Many restuarants can happily do a smaller portion, or she can order a starter instead of a main, or whatever.)


Decide how much time you are happy to spend with her, either alone or as a large group, and make that clear. e.g. invite her to eat with you on a couple of specific nights, and have plas for therenst of the time. (even ifthose plans are 'I'm jut going to go out and eat at the first placethat looks good')

Savvy_Sue

I've been back and re-read the whole thread, because I remember when you first posted. Early on, you said:

gettingtheresometime said:

There's quite a group of us - my sibling & her family, my son & his gf, my sibling's PILs & 4 other family members.

Its a cruise around the med so won't be tied to one spot but already I'm getting the vibes that she'll be on the ship most of the time rather than going ashore, which is fine, but I just don't want to be made to feel obligated to do what she wants just because I'm the 'obvious' choice.

That's a lot of people - is anyone else on their own? Especially the 4 others. Or are they people who don't often see your mum - what an ideal opportunity for her to catch up with them!

You have had a lot of suggestions made, and I really hope you can make use of them and make sure that everyone knows you are not mum's sitter / companion by stating what YOU are going to do. Have you booked some of the activities and trips YOU want to do? And do enlist your son and his girlfriend for support. 

At least you have your own cabin. Just remove yourself if you're accused of being argumentative ... 

Mojisola

gettingtheresometime said:

However I'm getting a little concerned that I'm being seen as the ideal companion to my aged mum for this holiday

Your sister may have paid for the holiday but she had an ulterior motive for it!

I know a widow who was so excited and grateful when her son paid for her to go abroad on the family holiday - it was only after they arrived that she realised she had been brought along to look after the grandchildren - son and DIL had a great time, disappearing off to do 'couple things' while the children's Grandmother earned her holiday as a full-time nanny.

She felt she couldn't say anything at the time because he'd made such a big thing of paying all the holiday costs but it damaged their relationship afterwards.