Aged mum, widowed daughter & a family group holiday

gettingtheresometime

I need advice on how to deal with a situation, which may never arise but after the Christmas holidays think it's more than likely it will.

As I've alluded to in previous posts my husband died suddenly back in October. I'm still working through the emotional quicksand as well as dealing with all the legal/practical stuff.

Since his death, a lot of soul searching has been done by a lot of people and one of the consequences of this is that a family holiday has been arranged & paid for by another family member. However I'm getting a little concerned that I'm being seen as the ideal companion to my aged mum for this holiday, primarily by her.

Now I know that makes me sound a terrible daughter but she's a very negative person & tbh, I need positivity around me or at worst space to generate that positivity myself. I know that what will interest me won't interest her...I'm surprised she agreed to go but talking to her today I'm more than convinced it's because she doesn't want to be left out of what is a free holiday as Hubby & I asked her many times to take a similar holiday & she refused point blank.

 I have no objection to meeting up with her but I do not want to be tied to the hip so how do I manage expectations? I really want this holiday to be the start of my post Hubby life.

elsien

Who else is going to be part of the holiday, and where are you all staying/going to be travelling round? 

gettingtheresometime

elsien said:

Who else is going to be part of the holiday, and where are you all staying/going to be travelling round? 

There's quite a group of us - my sibling & her family, my son & his gf, my sibling's PILs & 4 other family members.

Its a cruise around the med so won't be tied to one spot but already I'm getting the vibes that she'll be on the ship most of the time rather than going ashore, which is fine, but I just don't want to be made to feel obligated to do what she wants just because I'm the 'obvious' choice.

74jax

I would start now, find itineraries, start saying 'I can't wait for xyz, I've already booked up', start mentioning classes you are attending, excursions you want to do. 
There's no reason why you should feel obliged to do what she is, or anyone else is. 
The person who paid for the trip, what are their expectations? Group meals, trips together etc? 

pollypenny

Do not let her bring you down!   This could be just the jaunt you need and there will be plenty of young people to 'dilute' any dull spirits from your mum. 

kazwookie

If it is a cruise, are there organized activities on board, that you can get your mum involved in? see if there is a list online/ show it to her and get her booked in.

You, in the mean time can get plenty of time to yourself if you want it.

Practice things like, 'I'll see to at dinner time tonight 7pm', or 'no mum, I'm joining in with xxx,'

elsien

I’d say make it clear to all the other family members that mum is a shared responsibility. If you start taking on looking for activities for her then they will all take the easy route, sit back and let you get on with it. Responsibility by default.
If you need a mum “rota” to make it work, that’s what you do. Between all of you,  Explained very clearly to all family members in words of one syllable that you are not primary carer/support.

Are you sharing a cabin with her? 

Mojisola

Set your own expectations - contact the others and ask what the rota is going to be to keep Mum company.
If It becomes obvious that they thought you would be your mother's companion throughout the trip, you have time to change their minds or just drop out. 

gettingtheresometime

74jax said:

I would start now, find itineraries, start saying 'I can't wait for xyz, I've already booked up', start mentioning classes you are attending, excursions you want to do. 
There's no reason why you should feel obliged to do what she is, or anyone else is. 
The person who paid for the trip, what are their expectations? Group meals, trips together etc? 

I don't think there's anything set in stone although they have said they would like to do at least one group meal (with the number going that will take some planning) because of the reason that generated the idea in the first place (prior to my husband's death there was another significant death as well) but other than that, they're happy to go along with the flow.

I hope I'm wrong about this but somehow I don't think I am 

NCC1701-A

gettingtheresometime said:

elsien said:

Who else is going to be part of the holiday, and where are you all staying/going to be travelling round? 

There's quite a group of us - my sibling & her family, my son & his gf, my sibling's PILs & 4 other family members.

Its a cruise around the med so won't be tied to one spot but already I'm getting the vibes that she'll be on the ship most of the time rather than going ashore, which is fine, but I just don't want to be made to feel obligated to do what she wants just because I'm the 'obvious' choice.

Also, asks for a single room, offer to pay supplement if necessary.

getmore4less

When I read the opening post my thought was cruise would be great.

Have you been on a cruise before?

There are usually plenty of activities to suit most age groups, with multigeneration you need to be picking the right ship. 

With a group as big as yours you can do your own things in smaller groups  but still do stuff together some of the cheesy cruise activities can be a bit of fun.

When traveling with my parents we would do what we wanted from the daily schedule or ashore and arrange to do "family" things where what we wanted to do coincided, eg activity levels meant some things were not suitable for all of us

Depending on the ship large family group may not be an issue for dining but yours is very big so may need multiple tables

Dining was our preferred main group daily activity(you need to eat) we would try to sit together for at least one meal a day often dinner but sometime on a sea day, lunch.

If mum is likely to stay on the ship then getting off is a great way to escape.

Depending on the ship there may be FB or other groups you could join to get a head start on planning.