Aim: Mortgage Free / Time For Me

postmenopause

Today’s quote:

“Life offers you so many doors, it is up to you which ones you open and which you close”

Money / household saving:

• I realised today i forgot to wash my reusable cleansing pads when i last did a wash and i have only got one left for tomorrow.  I’m doing some washing tomorrow so i MUST remember to bung them in with our clothes.  When i look back i cant quite believe how much i must have spent on the cotton wool disposable pads ( not to mention how bad they are for the environment).

• Tonight we will have pasta and salad (the pasta sauce is from the freezer, that i made last week).  I must start picking some winter salad leaves from my polytunnel at the allotment, to pad out the shop bought lettuces i buy.

Allotment / garden:

• Today i was amazed to see that my webbs wonderful lettuce, statice, strawflowers, dahlia and french marigold seeds that i only sowed last week have germinated.  After all my years of gardening i still get excited when i see seeds germinate.  All these seeds will stay next to my french doors for a few days until they are ready to ‘!!!!!!’ out.

• Today at my allotment i concentrated on my fruit…. i cut down my autumn raspberries and then pruned my redcurrant and black currant bushes and then my gooseberry bushes. I moved most of my fruit bushes in late autumn from the plot i gave up, so they are now in a new fruit area on my plot.  I am very pleased to say it looks as though all the fruit bushes have survived the move, thank goodness.

• I also painted some fruit tree grease around my fruit trees to help reduce the wingless female winter moth caterpillars that climb up the trees and lay their eggs.  I like to use the paint as you can get into all the crevices on the bark, where as the grease ‘bands’ you can buy don’t always fit snuggly unless your tree trunk is ridiculously smooth.

 Wellbeing:

• After my bike ride to the allotment and back yesterday i went on a bit of a downer…..however i gave myself a good talking to and decided to google why i found the bike so hard to ride ( after all, years ago i cycled everywhere…..though i had put this down to me now being older and unfit).   I first read if your tires aren’t fully pumped up it makes riding harder……so i pumped them up.  I then read if your seat is too low then this also makes riding harder…so i increased the height by two inches so i can just stand with my toes on the ground ether side.  So today i went on my bike again and I’ve got to say it made such a difference…..don’t get me wrong i still found it hard on the way home but “I did it”……and I’m proud of myself.

• Today is day ten of my healthy diet…..so far so good….. I CAN DO THIS (i have to keep telling myself this over and over again).

Anyway, that’s it for today

XXX

postmenopause

Today’s quote:

“Every goal you set comes with challenges; don’t give up, keep pushing….you will get there”

Money / household saving:

• Today i sat and worked all our spending out.  We have done really well not spending this month …… we have used Tesco vouchers for meals out and takeaways with the family and our ‘love to shop voucher’ for anything else and kept easily within our budgets.  We have managed to save another £445.59 towards our kitchen mortgage.  We now have a total of £1991.39 saved, which we will pay when our fixed mortgage term ends this December (we have overpaid this year as much as we can).   We still have a long, long way to go as our kitchen mortgage today still stands at £14,536.73, but we have mortgage payments to come off each month and my pension money…..and we will keep saving as much as possible each month.  It’s going in the right direction.

• Tonight it’s roast chicken and veg (home grown potatoes, squash, parsnips, onions, Brussels and cauliflower), so only the chicken came out of our food budget and that will stretch over two or three meals).

• The man came to fix our dishwasher today……we have been without it for nearly two weeks as it wouldn’t start- it just kept making a loud noise.  Guess what…..the dishwasher man switched it on and it worked!  He told us that if it happens again (which he thinks it probably will), then we need to take a video to show him so he can establish what the problem is.  To be honest it felt like the car all over again…the problem can’t be found😰😰😰.  Oh well, at least it’s under warranty when it goes wrong again.

• Today i did some washing - it’s amazing how much less washing i do now my dd2 is back at university 🤣🤣🤣.  I managed to get it nearly dry outside on my washing line and it is now having an airing on my radiators just to finish it off…so that’s a little bit of money saved not having to tumble dry it.

 Wellbeing:

• I didn’t do much else today except walk the dog.  My dd1 dropped in for lunch as it was her day off and raided our pantry as usual (though i wouldn’t have it any other way).  

• I have been on edge today as i was expecting a horrible letter off my narcissistic father after i put flowers on my step mums plot at the weekend (as his letters always seem to come on a Wednesday and he can’t stand anyone else putting flowers on her plot)…but amazingly nothing came, but i haven’t heard from my stepsister yet so maybe he thought she had put the flowers there and he has sent a vile letter to her instead (which he sometimes does).

Well thats it for todays, it’s time to finish making dinner.

XXX

VintageHistorian

If the letter does arrive then just bin it without opening it. I'm sure you'll be able to recognise his handwriting on the envelope, and reading it is only going to upset you.

Binning it reminds you that he has no power over you. You don't need his unpleasant words and nasty attitude in your life. You have a roof over your head, family members that love you, an allotment that helps you provide for those you love, and you're cracking on with the mortgage paying at an incredible rate. So sod him.

postmenopause

VintageHistorian said:

If the letter does arrive then just bin it without opening it. I'm sure you'll be able to recognise his handwriting on the envelope, and reading it is only going to upset you.

Binning it reminds you that he has no power over you. You don't need his unpleasant words and nasty attitude in your life. You have a roof over your head, family members that love you, an allotment that helps you provide for those you love, and you're cracking on with the mortgage paying at an incredible rate. So sod him.

Very wise words @VintageHistorian , thank you….. you are right, sod him!

Fortune_Smiles

I would return the letter unopened PM.  He'll soon get the message that he can't get to you that way.

Fortune x

girlatplay

Delurking to say, do you have a shredder?  If so, just put any letters from him straight in, without thinking about it.  If it's a postcard then, again, put it straight into the shredder when you see his handwriting.

*Goes back to lurkdom*

postmenopause

Fortune_Smiles said:

I would return the letter unopened PM.  He'll soon get the message that he can't get to you that way.

Fortune x

Yes, that’s what i usually do @Fortune_Smiles …. I write on the envelope ‘refused delivery, pls return to (his address)…..then lol last time he sent me a postcard so he  knew i would read it 😰😰😰

girlatplay said:

Delurking to say, do you have a shredder?  If so, just put any letters from him straight in, without thinking about it.  If it's a postcard then, again, put it straight into the shredder when you see his handwriting.

*Goes back to lurkdom*

I don’t have a shredder but if he sends a postcard again i will put it straight in the bin.  Thanks @girlatplay XXX

postmenopause

Today’s quote:

“To walk in nature is to witness a thousand miracles”

Money / household savings:

• Tonight I am using my leftover chicken and veg from yesterday and making a ‘use it up curry’.  I will make the curry sauce using a homegrown onion and garlic  that i grew last year and some of the passata from my freezer that i made with my tomatoes last year.  I will use spices from my pantry and then use natural yoghurt to make it creamy and serve it with rice ( i think i may have a naan bread to use up too- i’ll have to search for it in the depths of my freezer🤣🤣🤣).  Anyway, another cheap meal.

Allotment:

• Today I weeded round my pond and removed the thousand forget-me-nots that have self seeded in places i don’t want them to be lol.  I put some classical music on my phone and it was absolutely lovely in the sun with the birds singing.  It was just the therapy i needed today.

• I have also started to cut down the old foliage on some of my perennial plants ie  Michaelmas Daisies, crocosmia, Delphiniums, sedums etc.  I always worry they won’t have made it through the winter…..but they usually do….nature is so wonderful isn’t it.  Talking about how wonderful nature is, i saw a couple of bees on my hellebores today ( Christmas roses) and i managed to get a ‘close up’ photo of one of them…..

Wellbeing:

• I’m still doing well on my healthy diet (which is amazing for me as it’s day twelve now)…..I keep telling myself “I CAN DO THIS”!  

• On Saturday evening my dd2 and her partner are coming here for a takeaway as it’s my daughters birthday.  I have ordered a low calorie/ low saturated fat curry meal for me so i can just bung it in the microwave when their takeaway arrives….i will do a salad to go with it before hand too.  I am making her a birthday cake so i will have to be careful not to eat it ( or lick the spoons when i make it 🤣🤣🤣).  She wants a chocolate cake so I’ve brought some chocolate fingers to go around it and maltesers for the top and i’ll make some chocolate frosting for them to stick to and to go in the middle.  I do actually enjoy making cakes as long as it’s not for someone who takes me for granted… like the lady i did the cake for last month ( though that was my fault as i should have just said ‘no’).

• Today i went to my allotment on my bike again.  I felt so much better cycling down to my allotment today but it was still a killer on the way home with it being very slightly uphill, but i’m doing it and I’m determined to keep going…..and it’s not hurting my knees like the ‘couch to 5k’ did.

• Well my stepsister didn’t get a letter either yesterday from my narcissistic father re the flowers i put on my step mums grave…..dare we hope he has finally got the message???…time will tell.

Well that’s it for today, it’s time to walk the dog.

XXX

postmenopause

Today’s quote:

“A kind friend is the right kind of friend”.

Money/household saving:

• Today my lovely allotment neighbour took me to the ‘Company Shop’ (as our car is still waiting to be fixed and he was going anyway).  I got some cheap finish dishwasher tablets, 24 toilet rolls, four steak slices, a pataks curry paste, a net of red onions and a cake board for my dd1’s cake (which i will be making tomorrow) and it all only came to £13.15, so that was a good shopping trip.

• The chicken we had a couple of days ago was an extra large one and we still have some left, so for tea I’m going to heat it up and serve it with some pasta rice, salad, pitta, natural yoghurt and i’ll make some humous……I’m looking forward to this tea.

• I washed all my allotment clothes today when i got home at lunchtime, including my coat.  It’s on the washing line at the moment, i’m not sure if it will dry or not but i thought it was worth trying as it’s sunny and a bit windy……i’ll finish it off later on the radiator if it’s still a bit wet.

Allotment:

• I finished cutting down my overwintering perennials at my plot today….it was lovely and sunny this morning so it was a pleasure to be there. 

Wellbeing:

• I cycled to the allotment and back again this morning……i better lose weight this week with all this cycling 🤣🤣🤣.  But seriously, i quite enjoy cycling there…..i just wish cycling home was easier, but i try and think of the calories when I’m finding it hard.

• So it’s day 13 on my healthy diet….. “I CAN DO THIS”……though i feel VERY hungry today…..or is it just ‘rubbish’ i want to eat, either way I’m NOT having anything.

• I realised today i have been writing this diary for just over six weeks now.  I have had a few false starts with my diet, ups and downs with my fitness, but over all i think i may be falling into a new routine.  I love this diary as it makes me accountable which really helps and the comments i have received have made me realise I’m not on my own facing things.  Overall, things are beginning to look brighter.

Anyway it’s time to walk the dog now 🐶🐶🐶

postmenopause

Today’s quote:

“A daughter is one of the most beautiful gifts this world has to give”

…….and i am lucky as i have two.  It’s my dd1’s birthday today, she is 24….where on earth did that go!  From the moment i held both my daughters i silently promised I would love them forever, unconditionally.  I wouldn’t make the mistakes my parents did and they would always be my number one priority, growing up in a happy household.  They never knew about my unhappy childhood with my abusive father until last year when i sat them down and told them and they were astounded. 

(I felt like writing the things down that are going around my head today, as it seems to help me…. so ignore my ramblings if you want as there is no moneysaving at all)….

As sad as it seems now, before lockdown in 2020 when i was running after both sets of parents and my sisters were shouting at me for asking them for help (even though they hardly did anything)…..i was at my lowest ebb and times i thought of suicide and leaving this world, as i could see no way out … i spent more and more of my days running after my parents and less and less time with my daughters and my friends.  I can honestly say that the only reason i didn’t jump off ‘Beachy Head’ was because i couldn’t do this to my girls, as i love them so much and i knew it would affect their whole lives.  They don’t know this thank goodness, only my dh, councillor and anyone reading this anonymous diary knows this.  

Lockdown in 2020 gave me the space to look at my life. After my step mums death in august 2020 my narcissistic father became very nasty and unbearable because i had started to step back due to the covid restrictions (though i had left him in a beautiful, comfortable extra-care unit, with meals and carers when needed)…..my counsellor helped me to unraveled all of my family history and helped me to see that my father and sister number 3, were both narcissists and my mother and sisters number 1 and 2 were both ‘enablers’ that allowed it to happen…..until that moment i had never heard of the word ‘narcissist’.  Until my counselling i was convinced i attracted bad luck ie my best friend dying of a brain tumour and my school friend dying of ovarian cancer, my dd1 suffering from anxiety in her teenage years and going through CAMHS, my dd2 being bullied in primary school etc etc….but the counsellor made me realise these things are just ‘life’, but on top of my childhood abuse which continued in to my adult life, i just couldn’t cope.

 I’m very sad that my other two sisters have taken sides without looking for an explanation from me of why I’ve backed away.  I am also very sad that both my daughters haven’t received birthday cards this last year from two of my sisters even though the whole thing has nothing to do with my daughters….but that says it all really ( i will always continue to send birthday and xmas cards and presents for big birthdays to my nieces and nephews and presents for their children as what ever has happened between my sisters, they are still my nieces and nephews).   

One lovely thing that has come about over the last few years ( which i know really annoys my sisters), is me and my stepsister have become a lot closer which is lovely …..so it’s not always true that ‘blood is thicker than water’ (a saying my narcissistic father would say to me over and over and again).

I do still feel very sad about my childhood and the part of my adult life i have wasted on my parents and siblings, but finally I can concentrate on me, my dh, my beautiful girls, their partners and my friends (which incidentally used to really annoy my narcissistic sister that i had friends) and not forgetting my lovely dog who has seen me cry many tears.  These are  the family i want around me now…..the family that love me unconditionally……life is so much better that way ❤️❤️❤️