Brother in law wants to move in

RAS

Glad you have his mum on side, and suggest that your wife has a good chat with her about the dilemma .

Regarding the Australian savings, plainly that only really works if he has nothing on which to blow it like the trips to Asia and Brazil.

At the very least charge the going rate for a rental share plus a share of bills, as otherwise you just become a soft option. And make it plain that this only stands for a limited period; he needs to start looking for another rental in the New Year. It'll probably take a couple of months but give him a maximum of 3 months. 

I know that IF he get's an Australian visa and everything goes hunk-dory, he may baulk at taking on a 6 month rental but the chances are it will be longer.

newbie26

HarryDavies01 said:

Not because I dont like them but because I like my own space with my Wife and my dog. It wouldn't feel like 'my' house with other family living here.

I think this is me to! 

newbie26

RAS said:

You need to agree a deadline for him to move out, whatever else you decide.

Thanks, I think this is a very key point.

Pollycat

newbie26 said:

Some great advice here that I have taken onboard and has given me some confidence tackling the issue. There are some assumptions id like to clear up/clarify:

The direct family are mixed (UK/Malaysian) the siblings have lived most of their adult life in the UK, and are UK citizens (apart from the eldest who moved to Malaysia with the parents). As he is a UK citizen it has been next to impossible to get into (and out) of the Malaysia over the last 2 years. The Malaysian Mother is very much for him paying rent!

When living in Aus, instead of rent they made him put an amount into savings instead.

As I said he isn't the worst person to live with, and does cook as he is a Chef.

He's job in London they made them test every morning, so he is actually safer then us.

I think we will set him timelines for getting diagnosed, getting a job and when he has to start paying his way/ultimately moving out. I'm worried about the Aus thing taking ages.

I think what has happened is both myself and wife are not very confrontational, now he has starting talking about mental health issues its even trickier for us to deal with. I didn't really take control last time as Covid had made things very difficult for everyone and I wanted to avoid any upset.

Having daily tests doesn't make him 'safer' than you.
It just means it may show up quicker in a test.

If you work from home or travel to work via car, don't socialise as much as he does you are probably less likely to catch covid than he is.

theoretica

One thing which can be quite effective is an increasing rent/contribution with the consequences of not having moved out set out clearly.  2 weeks stay is a holiday you are very happy to welcome him for.  Next few weeks is on mates rates, then rising to commercial rates.  Maybe invite him round for occasional days company if he does move out so he doesn't feel it will necessarily lead to complete isolation and loneliness.

Jude57

It's rare to find everyone in agreement but this situation is just unfair, OP. Your BIL has had everything his way for years and now wants you to fund his lifestyle choices. He may be suffering depression or he may be sad at the breakdown of his relationship. Only a medically qualified person can judge and everyone will experience depression differently but BIL's first priority must be to see a doctor.

Once diagnosed (if indeed he is depressed in the clinical sense) and with a treatment plan in place if necessary, surely he'd feel much more in control of his situation by living independently? He clearly likes living in a shared environment so let him find a house/flat share near his work. It will take him longer to save for his next adventure but that's his problem. Don't let it become yours.

If you do let him stay longer term, you really should charge him the local going rate for a room plus a third of all bills and expenses like cleaning products, laundry detergents, loo roll etc and shared food. If he wants to stay in town a couple of nights a week, again, that's his choice but it doesn't reduce his board payment, in the same way that he wouldn't pay less to a landlord in the same circumstances.

I hope you and your wife can present a strong, united front and stop BIL freeloading on your generosity

TBagpuss

I think you and your wife are going to need to have a serious conversation about the conflict between her wanting to have an 'our door is always open' policy, and the reasonable expectation that you have that you get to feel comfortable in your own home, and that you and she are not taken advantage of.

Maybe reframe it as 'our door is always open in an emergency, and for short visits' 

Also - expecting him to pay his way is not 'profiting from family' 
Him expecting / or being given free accommodation is him profiting from family, he's getting something for nothing nd is able to put money away as a result. If you are planning to start a family you need to be thinking about saving - it is totally reasonable to put your own needs, including your need for some privacy, first (and bear in mind that if you do start a family, this time may be your last opportunity to have some time just as a couple, for decades! )

I would suggest that a reasonable compromise would be to give him a short period where he can be rent free, and just contribute to bills and house work, then a short period where he pays  a reasonable rent , then a hard deadline to move out - maybe two months in total for both. 

newbie26

Thanks for all the replies, I actually showed my wife this thread and I think it was an eye opener (for both of us!). Dispite my thoughts about the family having a "UK" view, there is actually a lot of pressure on her to mollycoddle him and little/no empathy for either of us, especially as the mental health card has been played and they have no idea how it really is. It really is a shame/sad she has been put in this position.

The main thing is we have a move out date locked in. Having had a look at the rental market I think that will certainly be an eye opener for the BIL, good thing he hasnt spent a penny on us yet 

Pollycat

newbie26 said:

Thanks for all the replies, I actually showed my wife this thread and I think it was an eye opener (for both of us!). Dispite my thoughts about the family having a "UK" view, there is actually a lot of pressure on her to mollycoddle him and little/no empathy for either of us, especially as the mental health card has been played and they have no idea how it really is. It really is a shame/sad she has been put in this position.

The main thing is we have a move out date locked in. Having had a look at the rental market I think that will certainly be an eye opener for the BIL, good thing he hasnt spent a penny on us yet 

Well, you and your wife have seen first-hand the results of him being 'mollycoddled'.
Shame on the family for putting this pressure onto you both.

Anyone can 'play the mental health card' (or racist card or homophobic card).
Just because he says he is depressed doesn't mean he actually is depressed.
He needs to talk to a medical professional.

NCC1701-A

I'd get a lodger in quick, and if he still wants to come tell him what the lodger is paying and to look himself for similar.

Sometimes, to help people help themselves you need to stop enabling their freeloading.