how to deal with Christmas after a death

Savvy_Sue

Jude57 said:

@squizz11 you mention that, as there are five of you, you couldn't get your mum there, too if you went away. I'm not sure what you mean by that because 5 people (you, the kids and mum) would fit in a normal saloon car, so I'm assuming it's a small car but if there are six people to transport, could you take two cars? I'm assuming more than one driver in the group. Or could you hire a 7 seater people carrier to accommodate everyone?

I know I've made some assumptions here but hope the suggestions are helpful anyway.

That's an idea, we downsized the car when the boys left home, but whenever we needed to all go away we hired a 7 seater. Also I wondered about booking a holiday cottage if you wanted to get away without being surrounded by other families. 

I agree with working out what you want to do with the youngsters, but also please don't be consumed by guilt over your mother: she has choices, and even an unreliable brother might manage to step up to the mark if he knows it's down to him to do so. 

74jax

squizz11 said:

Jude57 said:

@squizz11 you mention that, as there are five of you, you couldn't get your mum there, too if you went away. I'm not sure what you mean by that because 5 people (you, the kids and mum) would fit in a normal saloon car, so I'm assuming it's a small car but if there are six people to transport, could you take two cars? I'm assuming more than one driver in the group. Or could you hire a 7 seater people carrier to accommodate everyone?

I know I've made some assumptions here but hope the suggestions are helpful anyway.

there would be 6 with my mum and no other drivers,   hiring a 6 seater may be a option  but it would have to have full size seats as all adult size.    

lots of things to think about,   though my first is to flee,   but as a mum I can't 

You mention its yourself and 3 kids.  But you say 6 would be going, who is the 6th, I'm sure they wouldn't mind finding there own way there with one of the kids. It's not your responsibility to organise everyone. 

Spendless

Does the no fault eviction and finances not through yet, mean things  are currently tight? If so, I'd not want to be spending money on hire of car or holiday accommodation over the Christmas period, since you may need it in the new year towards a new place to live. 

KxMx

OP has also said they don't want their last Christmas at home to be miserable after so many happy ones, and going away is an option that appeals. 

I'd definitely prioritise my mental health over money in that situation and if OP's mum wants to join them she can contribute towards the costs, as could the two children who are 19 & 27. 

TBagpuss

I'm sorry for yur loss.
I agree with other s that you should prioritize what you and your children want, and not feel that you 'have to' or should do anything.

Going away might be a good option as it means that there are fewer comparisons with previous years - I would also be inclined to leave thing fairly fluid - for instance, don't feel that you have to do a big meal or open gifts on a particularly day, let yourselves make things up as you go along.

The first year after we lost my grandmother, we hired some holiday cottages and spend Christmas in the peak district (my family, plus most of my cousins, aunts and uncles) because it had always been that some or all of us would spend Christmas with her, or she with us.  Being in different surroundings helped as there were fewer painful comparisons and memories .

depending on where you planned to go, it might be possible for your mum to join you and to travel by train or coach  - picking her up from the station might be a lot easier than trying to shoehorn 6 people into car for a long drive, and she could perhaps come for a couple of says so you and your children also have some time on your own. 

Be gentle with yourselves. If you decide that you can't face it at all, and decide that you will spend Christmas day at home in your PJS bingeing on box sets and eating pizza, nd avoiding any mention of Christmas,  then do that. You can always spend day with your mum on Boxing day or Christmas eve if you feel that would be easier to cope with. 

tooldle

Sorry for your loss OP.
A friend of mine some years ago lost a young child. Subsequently she went to counselling / support group to help her cope with the situation. She said one of the most helpful things she felt, was a suggestion to make whatever followed, different to what came before. Regardless of the occasion, change it up in some way so as not to be thinking 'this time last year' and to start building new traditions, new routines etc. That is not to say forget the deceased, more to help take the focus away from feeling of someone being missing, if you see what I mean.
I certainly found the suggestion helpful after my dad had died.
Whatever you chose to do, it's early days and you are all grieving. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. It's ok not to do Christmas. It is also ok to put time limits on things. If you want visitors tell them it is for one hour, or two hours, whatever you feel you can manage, and don't feel it must be Christmas Day. 

squizz11

74jax said:

squizz11 said:

Jude57 said:

@squizz11 you mention that, as there are five of you, you couldn't get your mum there, too if you went away. I'm not sure what you mean by that because 5 people (you, the kids and mum) would fit in a normal saloon car, so I'm assuming it's a small car but if there are six people to transport, could you take two cars? I'm assuming more than one driver in the group. Or could you hire a 7 seater people carrier to accommodate everyone?

I know I've made some assumptions here but hope the suggestions are helpful anyway.

there would be 6 with my mum and no other drivers,   hiring a 6 seater may be a option  but it would have to have full size seats as all adult size.    

lots of things to think about,   though my first is to flee,   but as a mum I can't 

You mention its yourself and 3 kids.  But you say 6 would be going, who is the 6th, I'm sure they wouldn't mind finding there own way there with one of the kids. It's not your responsibility to organise everyone. 

the 5th person  is my sons girlfriend who lives with us as well.   

squizz11

thank you for all the kind words and ideas,  it's given me a lot of food for thought.   We are doing a memorial service next week so going to sit down and have a chat with everybody after that.

Apintplease

I am so sorry for your loss

We lost Step dad and MIL a week apart over Christmas and New year, Mother lives with us

So Christmas the following year was tough ( it was bad enough the year before ) because the grown up children had children and we had to be normal for them, but take mums feelings into consideration.

Cos mum lives with us, her birthday Christmas Eve , her husbands death Boxing Day, we had to tread pretty carefully, making sure she wasn't alone, but also we didn't throw Christmas in her face

Anyways we survived, Mum survived and its gotten easier over the years

Your children dont all seem to be babies. I would suggest they too are worrying about how to get through this year as well, esp with an impending eviction 

How about saying no decs, no trees, no cards, a token pressie in a stocking for the end of their beds, and then a lounge picnic or a takeaway for dinner, and keep the tv off the channels and stick to Netflix or Prime or DVDS and play games. Make it a family day without the "Christmas trappings and reminders ". You can always make Christmas as you want it, not how its portrayed to us. Some of my best christmases have been me and the dog, a ready meal, and all the snacks and wine Ive wanted, a good book and a good movie and a good long walk with the dog


Invite mum, but tell her how you want things. Im sure your mum only wants to do the best for you and support you

SuperSavingD

Sorry to hear about your loss.  I have just lost my Dad on 21 September this year  to Covid/Cancer.  We are trying to keep Christmas for the younger children, my Mum is staying over on Xmas Eve to save her waking up on her own and the company of the grandchildren will keep her busy.  It’s going to be a tough Christmas as every year I have been with my Dad but he won’t be forgotten and we will still set a place at the table for him and no doubt cry.  Sending hugs 🤗