how to deal with Christmas after a death

squizz11

I lost my husband in September, it was sudden and quite traumatic as I had to CPR with my 14 yr old son,  now everyone is talking about Christmas and I just want to run.

we are also going through a no fault eviction and I can't even look for a house as finances aren't through yet.

I don't want a tree or gifts, I don't want to buy gifts but having three kids I know I have to.  my mum wants to come over but I don't want that either but if I don't she will be on her own with my unreliable brother and my sister is covid paranoid and won't go near anyone so I feel guilty if she doesn't come.

I don't even know what I want an answer to just need to see if anyone has been through this 😢

Misslayed

So sorry for your loss. It's especially hard at this time of year. I didn't have young children to consider, but I coped by making everything completely different- I asked my aunt if I could go to her house. Maybe you could have a family meeting and ask the children what they would like to do? Choose their own Christmas meal? Or is it feasible just to let your Mum organise everything? She will want to look after you.

london21

Sorry about your loss and hopefully things get better soon.
Do not be hard on yourself, take each day as it comes.
Get the children involved, ask them how they want to celebrate christmas.
journaling might also help and talking things through with someone.
Get your mom involved, she might be able to make things better and take the burden off a bit and the children will likely enjoy having her around also meaning she won't spend christmas alone.

Spendless

Condolences.

Not quite but last year we lost my MIL. She became ill shortly after lockdown1 and it was a struggle to get anyone to see her, let alone diagnose her. By the time we were told it was Cancer (as family suspected) it was too late. My husband's sister was then all for everyone being there for Christmas (whereas we usually had our dinner at home) but FIL wasn't keen and we asked Sis in law to respect his wishes and keep it to what they normally did.

Other than your 14 yo how old are the other kids? 

It's only yesterday I discovered that  something that t I'd tried to cover up one Christmas had not only not worked my DD had bad memories of it as she thought it had taken place in a different year.  
My Nan who came to us each year for Christmas dinner had been acting a bit strange for a few weeks. Literally as the meal was being dished up she said she was going home accusing us of playing music in order to hypnotise her. I had to get my parents round and them and DH took her home. I forced myself to eat the meal with the kids trying my best to keep it 'normal' so they didn't have horrible memories of the day and DH ate his warmed up later.
Nan was sectioned under the MH act the following month and then had a couple of years at her home (still coming to us for Xmas) until she had to go into a Nursing home with dementia.
DD now 18 thought the year Nan walked out was her last before the Nursing home and that she thought it had been something she'd done to upset her that made her walk out and was why dinner was eaten with just me whilst her Dad and Grandparents saw to my Nan. She was 8 at the time. The reason I tell you this I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to keep things from the kids in order to not spoil their Christmas instead DD has spent 10 years thinking something else happened that year.

Is it feasible for you to all go to your Mums if you don't feel like anything at home?

Brie

No advice but lots of sympathy.  Bereavement is hard.  Hopefully you can find a way to salute your husband so the day goes a bit easier.

Thrugelmir

Make Christmas what you want it to be. I prefer simple and quiet myself. As my late father passed away on Christmas Day itself some years back. Impossible to erase memories that are etched into your mind. 

MovingForwards

I feel for you.
Ask the kids what they want to do and agree between you. If you all want a low-key day, that's what happens. 

I've just lost my mom and not sure if I'll be able to handle being round my partner's family. 

Naomim

I lost my Mum at the beginning of December when I was 18. That Christmas I can't remember presents but we did go to a restaurant for lunch just so it was something different. 

Definitely talk to the kids and see what their expectations are.

My thoughts are with you. xx

squizz11

thank you, my children are 14 , 19 and 27 so not kids but all live at home.   we did think of going away and being unchristmassy but I can't leave my mum, the guilt would get me.   my mum has a small flat so it might be a squeeze,  I don't want our last Christmas here to be miserable as we had so many happy ones.      a restaurant is out,   I couldn't see families with couples,  too hard

KxMx

If going away is an option you'd like to take, can/would mum come with you as well?

If she says no then that's her choice and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. 

Torry_Quine

I don't have children so I spend Christmas day on my own. It's other people's expectations that are the worst.
You have to do what you and your children feel comfortable with.
Best wishes