how to deal with Christmas after a death

kayleighali

Condolences for your loss.

I very unexpectedly lost my mum Feb 2020 so last year was our first Christmas without her (albeit we had some more time in between). We kept things normal, my dad and brother came down to us in the morning and then we all went to my grans for dinner. Having some normality was actually really good for us all and helped to take our mind off of things. That being said, what works for one won't necessarily work for another, the best advice I could give is to talk to your kids all together and ask how everyone feels. Coming to an agreement on how the day will unfold is going to be the best way to keep everyone happy and be mindful of all feelings and emotions

sammyjammy

Torry_Quine said:

I don't have children so I spend Christmas day on my own. It's other people's expectations that are the worst.
You have to do what you and your children feel comfortable with.
Best wishes

This, stop thinking about other people and do what you and your kids do or don't want to do.  Whatever gets you through it.  THose who love you will understand.

Sorry for your loss.

74jax

Surely your mum will be considering your feelings too? It isn't just one way. 

Say you are going away, would love her to come too but understand if SHE CHOOSES NOT TOO. 

squizz11

74jax said:

Surely your mum will be considering your feelings too? It isn't just one way. 

Say you are going away, would love her to come too but understand if SHE CHOOSES NOT TOO. 

she would but my guilt wouldn't cope.   there are 5 of us so wouldn't be able to get her there

I think maybe going to her for a few hours helps my guilt and solves the problem of having Christmas at home as we wouldn't put a tree up or anything and I know she would cook whatever we wanted

74jax

squizz11 said:

74jax said:

Surely your mum will be considering your feelings too? It isn't just one way. 

Say you are going away, would love her to come too but understand if SHE CHOOSES NOT TOO. 

she would but my guilt wouldn't cope.   there are 5 of us so wouldn't be able to get her there

I think maybe going to her for a few hours helps my guilt and solves the problem of having Christmas at home as we wouldn't put a tree up or anything and I know she would cook whatever we wanted

In which case you need to weigh up if the guilt would be worse if you did what your mam wanted, or what the kids wanted. 

Personally I would say you do what you want, but if you are saying that's not an option, you can look at the kids vs your mam and go with which doesn't make you feel as guilty. 

You can't control other people. If your mam doesn't want to do something, you can't feel guilty over that. You could if she didn't want to do it and you felt you forced her, but if she closes something that doesn't include you, that's her choice. 

itsanne

Hi sqyizz11

So sorry for your loss. No wonder you don't want to think about Christmas.

I lost my husband, also suddenly, at the beginning of December 5 years ago, two days before my birthday and a couple of weeks before our anniversary. Needless to say, I don't like Christmas - or December - either. What I did the first year might be helpful for you, though in some respects his death being so close to Christmas made it easier to opt out that year. What we have done in subsequent years might be more relevant.

The first Christmas we had already bought our (adult) kids' presents. I gave them out individually before Christmas, telling our kids that their father had been part of choosing them. We did nothing to do with Christmas itself - actually making any kind of meal was quite enough. Although you have had a slightly longer time between your husband's death and Christmas, it is still very soon. Even if you feel obligations, I think this year especially you should do whatever you feel will be most bearable. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - it's going to be hard enough getting through the day without trying to please anyone else too.

The following year I decided that we had to do something to try to normalise Christmas, if only so that it was resolved before any of our kids had children of their own. My son didn't want to do that but was persuaded. We did everything differently. We went to my daughter's house rather than mine and didn't have my mother over. We had always opened presents first thing, so we opened them after the Christmas dinner. My daughter has a Canadian friend who was working over Christmas, so invited her. That, actually, proved very useful as everyone made an effort for her sake, and I think we needed something/someone to make the effort for. I won't pretend it  wasn't very difficult, but we got through it and it has helped to make Christmas as 'normal' as it will be.

One other thing, not directly related to your question. It takes longer than people seem to expect - losing a life partner is very different to other losses - but things will become more manageable than they seem just now. You will dread the first of everything since your bereavement, but nothing ends up being as awful as you anticipate.

Take care.

Anne

sheramber

My husband died in September 2 yeas ago so I know how you feel about Christmas.

We usually went to my younger son's,  as he had a young son, for a few days over Christmas and my older son and his partner  came from abroad.

The first Christmas I said i wanted to stay at home. I could not envisage going to my son as usual.

i did not send cards and told everybody I was not doing presents.

I gave my  family money.

I did not put any cards up. They  were dumped in a pile. No tree or decorations.

My son  and partner  came and  stayed with me  over Christmas. They left on 27th and my younger son and family arrived for a few days.

My younger son and family did send me  a present which I opened on BoxIng Day.

We did have a traditional dinner but my son's partner did all the buying and cooking. The rest of the day was spent quietly watching Netflix. .

katiepoppycat

I'm so sorry for your loss.  When we lost my Mum just before Christmas, my Dad didn't want to engage in Christmas at all.  We opted for getting together - Dad, me and DH, brother and DW, and Nana (Mum's mum) to have a meal together.  We had a roast dinner rather than a Christmas dinner.  A few tears were shed, but plenty of memories shared.  He's still not totally sold on festive fun, but subsequent ones were easier.  I found the shipwreck theory very helpful - to paraphrase, in the immediate aftermath you cling to the wreckage and try not to drown, as time passes (differently for everyone) you start to look around you and the waves don't crash so hard, although there will always be odd ones that drench you.

Jude57

@squizz11 you mention that, as there are five of you, you couldn't get your mum there, too if you went away. I'm not sure what you mean by that because 5 people (you, the kids and mum) would fit in a normal saloon car, so I'm assuming it's a small car but if there are six people to transport, could you take two cars? I'm assuming more than one driver in the group. Or could you hire a 7 seater people carrier to accommodate everyone?

I know I've made some assumptions here but hope the suggestions are helpful anyway.

squizz11

Jude57 said:

@squizz11 you mention that, as there are five of you, you couldn't get your mum there, too if you went away. I'm not sure what you mean by that because 5 people (you, the kids and mum) would fit in a normal saloon car, so I'm assuming it's a small car but if there are six people to transport, could you take two cars? I'm assuming more than one driver in the group. Or could you hire a 7 seater people carrier to accommodate everyone?

I know I've made some assumptions here but hope the suggestions are helpful anyway.

there would be 6 with my mum and no other drivers,   hiring a 6 seater may be a option  but it would have to have full size seats as all adult size.    

lots of things to think about,   though my first is to flee,   but as a mum I can't