Missy’s Surviving the storm so we can dance in the rain.

missymoo81

hey everyone how are you all?

Well things are still really tricky at the moment with me and OH, one good day and one bad, a lot of the time reality kicks in for OH and he ends up thinking about the career he could have had but can't now because of what's gone on and I can't stop thinking about all of the bad things that have happened and what he's put me through, so we end up at square one again. Give us both our dues were working through it and trying. And if the good times weren't so good and if i didn't believe we were actual $oulmates if you believe in that sort of thing I wouldn't still be here. It's just so hard sometimes. We have our hols in 5 days for 2 weeks, just us so I'm hoping we can do lots of talking and connecting. A lot of the struggles were having which are sparking difficult thoughts and conversations are the fact we are selling the business come March ish, which means OH needs to be able to make ends meet doing other things, he can do contract work but it's not secure and you can't guarantee how much work you'll get. Also because of what's gone on I now don't want him staying away from home, which really limits his work. But I'm not sure how to get around that, any ideas?

I also have different job options and everything will change soon, either September or March, but it depends what I go with. I've sat and written out budgets for different scenarios, based on time scales and what job I accept.

Money. I currently have an EF of £10k which was earmarked for OH's new career but that was before.... it is there for emergencies and in case we can't pay any bills with these up coming changes, and if anything falls south in the relationship I've got that money to help support myself and the children as its my money. I don't have any debts as it was all about me paying myself back from when I paid off all of my credit cards years ago with my divorce money. So I'm now not looking at them as debts because they're not it was my money but it should have gone on the deposit for the house. So what I want to do now is to over pay the mortgage with any money I have over. I usually run pretty tight to the wire with money, I know you know that, but I'm doing a lot of adhoc work at the moment with lots coming up, and am helping a friend in her xmas shop over nov and December so I should have a little money from that too. I would LOVE to pay off the mortgage by June 2033. We have about 3 years before our mortgage rate is up and we currently have a really good rate, so with %s as they are I want to try and pay off as much as I can by then too. With either of the possible upcoming jobs, I will earn a lot more money than I do now, but it will maybe take a year in one and 2 in the other before good wages kick in. So I'm looking at future things.

Have had sooo much money paid out this week, Roo is going to high school so, so much uniform, shoes and blazers and bags etc. The cat had to go to the vets with a poorly leg so that was £220!! I'm trying to do make do and mend food from the fridge and freezer this week. I don't really want to spend more than £10 on food as we go away on Monday. I did eat two frogs today, I got the block lifted from my bank card that had been on there months and I sorted out a new phone contract which is half the price of the one I have which should go live tomorrow so thats good.

Thanks for stopping by.

joedenise

Good to see you posting again @missymoo81.  Hopefully the holiday for just the 2 of you will give you time to talk properly and sort things out.

With all the changes coming up would it be better to save in a separate account to pay a lump off the mortgage when you need to remortgage?

missymoo81

Thank you so much @joedenise I appreciate your comment. You’re right. I’m going to put all money into a savings account and then pay off by the end of each statement year which is June. And then let it build up each year in case I need it. 

missymoo81

Really struggling today, barley got any sleep, OH and I had a major argument and set back re how he’s been treating family. Have a 12 hour day today and I’m struggling to say the least. Not sure if holiday is going to happen although not sure I can get money back. Will see what the rest of the week brings. It’s like walking on a tightrope at the moment 😢Although in other good news. I have just won £100 on premium bonds which I am super happy about! I really need that because an unaccounted for DD came out last night. Hope you’re all ok. 

slm6002

Yay for the premium bond win, I am yet to win even though I have had them since being born!  I am sorry you are having ongoing struggles with OH.  Are you still having counselling with him?  If the holiday doesn't go ahead as a couple could you go by yourself and take some time to relax, or maybe you have a good friend you could go with?  If you would loose the money anyway might as well.

Like someone has said keep the money in your savings account until the end of the mortgage deal and then pay off a lump sum as you will know what is going on in your relationship by then hopefully. 

Keep posting as we all are hoping for you and want to support you in some way

missymoo81

Thanks so much @slm6002 I really appreciate your comment. I’m hoping we can still go and things can mend. I guess I am just struggling with how one person can be so unbelievably selfish. And still after the last 3 months of hell can still be putting himself first. What I said to him yesterday cut deep and I couldn’t have been more honest. I’m v close to being done. I’ll see how the rest of this month goes…. Keeping close track of my money, I had to buy some make up yesterday, I say had, I know I don’t  have to wear it but I like to and my current one we’re running out. So a mascara and eyeliner bought for under a tenner. If we do go on holiday, I’d need to buy small sun cream and toiletries. It might be cheaper to decant actually. I will see what works out cheaper.

With regards to mortgage OP I’m going to keep hold of my money and put it into premium bonds until needed.

I REALLY appreciate all of your support. Family have turned against me as I’ve sided with OH and I don’t have many friends in RL as not the most sociable of people. Still at work and v much struggling with tiredness. At least I get a packed lunch today. 

slm6002

It is good that you are trying to mend things as long as OH feels the same way and really wants to make things work.  If he is being selfish still maybe he is not 100% invested in the idea.  Give it time, but also know when it is time to say enough is enough.  I certainly don't have the make up to forgive and forget that you must have.

And if the make up you bought makes you feel good then I say it is £10 well spent

MeandO

Sending love and strength to you missy. I have been in a similar situation to you in the past and I know how difficult it is, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get through this.
I will say though, once that trust is broken it's impossible to get it back. Just ask yourself if you want to live like this for the rest of your life, thinking the worst when OH is away or if you have a fall out. You will struggle to trust him ever again and 9/10 it's just delaying the inevitable. I tried very hard to trust someone (my Ex husband) who had previously cheated on me and it made me ill. I became suspicious of everything and lived on my nerves constantly, I was in constant fight or flight mode. When I drew the line and said 'no more' I realised how bad it had been and how much better off I was out of it. I would rather be alone than living with that narcissistic behaviour. I have since met a man who is nothing like that and whom I trust implicitly and the difference in myself is staggering, I am a different person now I'm not living under that cloud, it affects every aspect of your life. I did spend several years on my own though and it taught me to put boundaries in place as to what I was happy to accept and what I would not tolerate.
I'm sorry to hear your family are not there for you at the moment, but it sounds like they want the best for you. We're all here for you and I'm sure your family will come back around when the dust has settled a little. 

As for the holiday, have a look into your options now as you may be able to get some of the money back if it's cancelled with a bit of notice. If not, can you add the children to it instead and the three of you go?

As others have said, I wouldn't be OPing the mortgage yet, if you do end up splitting then your husband will obviously benefit from those overpayments too and you'll be better off having some money in the bank to help you and the children. You do what's right for you and your lovely little ones, I really hope things work out how you hope. xx

missymoo81

Thank you. I asked all of the same questions last night of OH, did he want to make it work, did he actually love me to treat me in such a way, does he even know what love is?! Why does he think it’s ok to manipulate people in such a way to always get his own way even to the heartache and unhappiness of someone else, and that someone being someone you love and care about. I also asked him if it’s just a convenience thing or whether it’s because he thinks that’s what he should want. Likes the idea of having a family. The thing is. He has nothing without me. I put the deposit down on the house I own the furniture, I get him work…..so I want to make sure he’s staying for the right reasons…. Who knew being an adult would be so hard!

Also struggling at work today, I’ve got a 25 year old talking to me about how they’re buying a £81k car?! I mean wtaf. Im struggling to justify buying £10 makeup!!! 

slm6002

Well to me it sounds like you have asked the right questions, because as you say he has nothing without you.  Can I ask was he with someone before you that sorted everything for him, or living with parents?  This can not be the reason that you stay together though and I think you know that.  He would have to learn to be a grown and be responsible for himself, and even if he stays with you this should be the case.

As Im sure you know I did everything for my XH and he was similar,  I am so much better off without him and life runs much smoother (not saying you should leave him - totally up to you what you choose).

As for 25 year old spending that much on a car - just unthinkable.  That is a decent chunk of a house deposit in my mind. Crazy