Is it my fault?

HampshireH

Pollycat said:

If he was clear about wanting children (seems he was) and you led him to believe you also wanted them, then yes - it is your fault.
But I would have wanted him to change his 'going out' habits first.

Why didn't you have a proper discussion about this before you got married?

I feel this is a joint responsibility. Not conceiving isn't one person's fault unless that person is actively taking contraception against the other person's wishes/mutual agreement.

Totally with you on the not discussing it before marriage but if he was that desperate for more children then he would have bought it up more and also made more of a fuss about it.

Sounds a bit of a convenient thing to blame relationship issues on this far down the line as out the blue.

But I suspect we don't have all the facts.

sheramber

You need to explain what you mean by nothing happened. 

Do you mean he asked but then dropped the subject or do you mean you failed to get pregnant?

paigesand

Pollycat said:

If he was clear about wanting children (seems he was) and you led him to believe you also wanted them, then yes - it is your fault.
But I would have wanted him to change his 'going out' habits first.

Why didn't you have a proper discussion about this before you got married?

He likes going out nightly he would have never changed that.
He told me recently his first wife didn't like it.

paigesand

Not only but I don't like going out socially with him.

One of his friends approached me last year and said if I tried to take anything off him if we separated or divorced I would be buried.

Pollycat

paigesand said:

Pollycat said:

If he was clear about wanting children (seems he was) and you led him to believe you also wanted them, then yes - it is your fault.
But I would have wanted him to change his 'going out' habits first.

Why didn't you have a proper discussion about this before you got married?

He likes going out nightly he would have never changed that.
He told me recently his first wife didn't like it.

Didn't you know he liked going out nightly before you married him?
You were with him for 3 years before you got married.

Other posters have asked what you mean about 'nothing happened'.

74jax

paigesand said:

Pollycat said:

If he was clear about wanting children (seems he was) and you led him to believe you also wanted them, then yes - it is your fault.
But I would have wanted him to change his 'going out' habits first.

Why didn't you have a proper discussion about this before you got married?

He likes going out nightly he would have never changed that.
He told me recently his first wife didn't like it.

It doesn't really matter what his wife liked, you didn't mind after 3 years and moved in and after 10 years of marriage moved house together. You and his first wife are different people. I'm not sure why he even brought it up.

You accepted he'd never change, and so be it. Some people would, some wouldn't. It doesn't change the question you asked, and my answer is the same regardless. 

TBagpuss

I'm not sure trying to establish whose 'fault' it is is particularly helpful.  It sounds as though neither of you really sat down and started a serious conversation about whether or not you planned to have children, and how important it was to each of you.

I think where you are now is that you need to consider what you want. Are you open to having a child or children now, if you can? Are there any specific things you would want to discuss or agree on in advance if you are open to it (for instance,  he is now 61 - so within 6 years of retirement - what are his views about financial arrangements - would it make sense for him to take early retirement or go part time to care for any child, if you are still early in your carer? Is that something he is open to? What are his expectations about who would be responsible for child care etc? What about how your finances would be managed - if you had a child, would he expect you to give up work, and if so, how would your fincial positions be affected? Do you have joint accounts or would you be left with little of your own income? 


so if you had a child, he would be 80 by the time they reach adulthood, even if you conceived right away. Is he saying that he still wants to go down that route? Is he really up for dealing with an active child when all his contemporaries are enjoying their retirements? What about planning for if he doesn't live long enough to see the child through to adulthood? 

You've been together 21 year and a lot can change in that time, it's not wrong or bad to have changed your views about children, and f he hasn't done much more than occasionally comment on it then I don't think it is your fault if you have assumed that it is not a major deal for him.

If you feel that you want out, however, there is a whole different set of issues and again, whose fault things are is unlikely to be relevant . If you feel the marriage is over, obviously don't rush in to trying to get pregnant, and do talk to a solicitor to understand what your options are 

It does sound as thought there may be an underlying issue of poor communication and  perhaps an imbalance of power between you - you may find it helpful to talk to Relate, and see whether he is willing to do so, to try to improve those things and help you to decide if this is a relationship you want to stay in / what needs to change for you to both be happy to stay together. 

under no circumstances let him pressure you into getting pregnant - unless both of you are on bard and sure you want a child, it's a bad mistake and not great for the child (if any)

given your ages, it's  still possible for you to have a child, but it may be harder to get pregnant than if you were both younger (yes, men's fertility etc declines with age as well) and the  risks for some types of complications of pregnancy, and some forms of disability for the child can be higher, so you would also need to think about and discuss those issues, if you do decide that you want to try tfor a baby.  

I do wonder however whether this is something which wasn't really of major importance to him before - it doesn't sound as though he has ever really sat down to discuss it or serious plan for it - has anything happened which might have caused him to bring it up now, or is it possible that he feels the relationship has run its course and is looking for something to 'blame' you for so he can end the marriage but convince himself it's your fault? 

Spendless

paigesand said:

Not only but I don't like going out socially with him.

One of his friends approached me last year and said if I tried to take anything off him if we separated or divorced I would be buried.

Was that meant in the way it reads. One of his friends told you that if you tried to take anything from him in the event of seperation/divorce you would be buried? Was this friend warning you your life would be in danger and from who, the husband or the friend presumably acting on husband's behalf? Or is this just a figure of speech (I ask because I once use a local hyperbole slang term on here and got accused of something not meant)

Marriage isn't like that, when it comes to seperating assets. It's a legal committment. Any split starts at a 50/50 and then adjusts depending on many factors, length of marriage being one of them.

But I did notice in your opening post that you put HE bought a house HE had an extension rather that WE and I was going to ask you about that. Was there a reason things went into his name?    

paigesand

yes  his friend didn't say it in a joking way.
And yes everything is in his name.
I wasn't on the deeds of the first house and not this one.
He has said when he died he wants his property and money to stay in his family name.
Even said if something happened to me and I needed care why should the government get the money it should go to his kids.

kimwp

Why do you stay?