Is it my fault?

paigesand

Sorry if  but this is going to be a bit of a long story.

Back in 1997 I met someone I liked but a 28 years age gap.

He was separated with 2 kids then.

We fell in love he bought a large house and in 2000 we got wed.

He did say when we moved into the house one occasion I can remember we are having a kid of our own one day aren't we.

After that he didn't really seem in a rush at all.

He was 40 when we got wed.

The first house he bought was big and he added a kitchen extension 6 years after it was bought.

After  ten years of marriage and when he was 50 I was due to have a maxillofacial op in hospital he suddenly asked right are we still going to have one to which I said yes but not before my op.

My op was in the December 3 weeks before Christmas.

It came and went nothing was said until the following February when he said it's February now you did promise me when you had the op done.

We moved out of the big house to s 2 bed one.

Nothing happened again.

He says it's my fault we didn't have a family of our own.

I accept a little bit of blame but I don't think he was serious enough and should have been more pushy if he really wanted to.

He also said that if he knew I didn't want kids he wouldn't have got wed to me.

He has always gone out every night to pubs apart from the odd time we go out together.

Yes he works longer hours than me and earns much more .

But I feel like I should have left years ago.

paigesand

Oops I meant to say 18 years blooming predictive text

gozaimasu

paigesand said:

I accept a little bit of blame but I don't think he was serious enough and should have been more pushy if he really wanted to.

You wanted him to force you to have children? No.

elsien

Time to have that conversation was before you got married. You’re both equally responsible for not talking it through properly. 

74jax

If he kept saying to have kids and you didn't say you didn't want them or talk about why you didn't want them then, then yes I think it's your fault and see he thinks this. 

There is nothing wrong in not wanting kids, but you should have told him you didn't think he was serious. 

MovingForwards

You were young when you got together, you've grown up while being with him, he had already grown up.

What do you want?

Do you want to stay married and have kids?
Do you want to stay married but not have kids?
Do you want to start over?

There's no right or wrong answer.

Like you, I was young when I got with my ex and he wasn't sure about kids, I told him to let me know if he decides either way and threw myself into work. He admitted he wanted kids as the marriage was on its last legs. It broke my heart as I wanted to be a parent.

Now I'm with someone else, having started over, we spoke at the start and he said he has no kids and I asked for a year before he had the op. My opinion has totally changed and we're on the same page. I'd still make a good parent, but I've no interest in being one. Must remind him he's overdue to book that appointment!

Edit to say it should read "he said no to kids and I asked for a year before he had the op"

BellaLasagna2018

The way you tell it, it doesn’t feel like you had a proper discussion about it. 

It also feels there is an imbalance in the relationship, like you didn’t have the confidence to start the conversation, waited for his queue to decide whether to have a family or not. Is that because of the age difference? Does he usually make all the big decisions? 

Reading your post, it feels like neither of you was really into it at the time, and certainly not at the same time. Is there regret now on both sides, leading to resentment and blame? 

kimwp

It sounds like he wanted kids in the old-fashioned way, where the woman is the one pushing to have them, then takes on all the work while he goes off to the pub.

Regardless, you have to think about you want and whether that involves him.

Spendless

From your timeline you were 19 when you got together and 22 when you married. Given your young age and that he already had children from a previous relationship. I'm surprised there wasn't more of a discussion about whether you would have children together and when. Did that never happen, the way I'm reading it it didn't. I can understand him asking more around his 50th birthday as any child born after that would be reaching adulthood as he was hitting  late 60s/70.

I make you 43. If you haven't gone through the menopause there's possibly still a slim chance you could conceive, but the odds are against you.

What's fetching this up now? 

oystercatcher

You say 'nothing happened' do you mean you stopped using contraception and actually started trying for a baby? In which case one or both of you could have fertility problems , just because he has had children with someone else doesn't mean there's not a problem with him now but most men don't like to admit they might be the cause !

If you are 43 now it's a bit late but not impossible to have a baby but it doesn't sound as though your heart is in this now. 
All the stuff about houses and operations etc is irrelevant. I don't know why you put them in unless it's to stress how little you have talked about having a family. That's all in the past now, there's absolutely no point in blaming anyone as it sounds like no-one had strong feelings, at least not enough to talk about them! 

 What matters is what do you want NOW ? Is your relationship worth saving / working on? If yes then do you really want a baby because it won't be an easy ride, if you do then get referred to a fertility clinic asap and see what they can offer.

Pollycat

If he was clear about wanting children (seems he was) and you led him to believe you also wanted them, then yes - it is your fault.
But I would have wanted him to change his 'going out' habits first.

Why didn't you have a proper discussion about this before you got married?