A new chapter, An empty nest, Drama school & Last year of Uni

Spendless

Last day of work completed. There was little to do. I threw a wobbler at DH who forgot to put the general  bin out (the last one to be collected before Xmas!). He was WFH. It's something he never had to think about in the days I didn't work. The day before the dog hadn't been walked despite DH WFH then, a park across the road from us, he could go to in his lunch break and DD at home all day. The result was the dog crying all night  Tuesday night because he wanted attention and stimulation and I ended up moving into the spare bedroom so I could shut the door more adequately  as I was almost in tears about my lack of sleep. Years ago we had a rabbit and I used to be the one out of the house the longest and return to find no one had fed it. It was this that made me refuse to get a dog. I said we'd returned to those days and UNLESS I get some evidence shown to me that I will helped, I won't return to my job in Jan. I am calling a bluff here as I enjoy going out and earning, which helps all the household but I can't have it that no one thinks unless I do it for them. A massive reaction certainly, but I'm not going through weeks/months of complaining about this. 

Another place contacted me about a job yesterday. This one was 8.30-5.30 Mon-Fri (so guessing a 40 hour week with an hour lunch) this was for the salary of £18,500, so pretty much minimum wage. This is what I mean about local jobs, they're not great in what they offer. Usually even these ones are already filled, I've known it take me 6 months before to get another role. They also needed to know every reason I'd left jobs going back to 1997! Babies, brief re-location when me and DH got together, companies closing down, re-structuring, losing contracts. Think it would have gone further till I said between leaving school and the date I was first made redundant I'd never even had one day out of work. I'd never been in-between jobs either, I'd finish one at the end of a week, and start the new one the following Monday.

Today starts with me taking DD to the Drs, this time about her medication for her MH. She doesn't feel that the medication prescribed for her is the right one.  As I know she'll be on a downer afterwards about it I have suggested a small shopping trip where she can pick up some beauty pampering products at a shopping centre close to my workplace. As my colleagues should also be at a local pub once they get the all clear they can leave I thought we could also pop in there. If I feel awkward, or they're too late being told they can close, then I have DD with me and can leave at a suitable point. 

I'm a bit disappointed that DD's plans to celebrate NYE in Scotland won't be happening due to the restrictions imposed there, but it does make logistics for us returning her and any Xmas gifts easier. Also when I said she'd lied to us, this relates to a particular incident that led to the downfall of her relationship with the ex. Don't get me wrong, it needed to end for reasons that have now become clear to us about him. However I have had concerns for a long time about how safe DD is when out with a particular friend. I do think DD is too old for me to be thinking that 'the friend leads her astray'. She's an adult capable of making her own choices however stupid they may be, but when with this friend she follows a pattern of behaviour I never see when she's with other people. Our concerns are from as recently as last weekend when her and friend went to London o/night only to discover too late they really should have cancelled the trip when plans fell through and DD was aware of this before they went but continued with it because it was what DD's friend wanted to do (as I very much suspect the incident where daughter has lied to us was). This is especially so, as both girls weren't well on that trip and trains in both directions had been cancelled so could have had a refund. Me and DH have come to the agreement that whilst we have no control over what DD does when living away from us, whilst she's living at home then as we finance what she does (as she has no access to student funding or a job) then we do dictate the rules about where she goes. I hope this measure starts to keep her safe, or force her hand in making mature decisions such as finding a job she sticks with. 

Coxy11

Morning Spendless,
Can empathise with being the one who does everything for the family/house. I too make a point of saying something at regular intervals which works for a while.... Doesn't ever seem to work with Christmas though - I sort this every year - presents for everyone - BIL/SIL/nieces/nephews/parents/our own children. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't happen. 
Good luck at the docs with DD - our DD just took herself off last year and sorted meds, but only told us recently. I feel sad she didn't mention it before, but she's 20 so can do as she sees fit. Our DD likes a drink and it worries me when she's out with friends too, especially student friends. Her BF doesn't drive so when she's home she can't drink when they go out, only at home, which is more manageable. 
Shame that NYE plans have had to be cancelled in Scotland, but can see why you're relieved. Don't think my parents ever worried this much about me, but maybe they were just strange parents lol!
Take care,
Coxy x

Spendless

Yes, it's drinking on the meds that has contributed to the incident that DD has lied to us about. She wasn't aware she shouldn't mix the two, our GP had not told her and I found the info buried in the information leaflet, after DS alerted me to the two not mixing. Not just that though, she'd re-started the medication having stupidly come off it whilst on holiday only the week before (because she was so happy), it was the company she was keeping that I have a concern about and I suspect also  the way the now ex had been treating her. Like many things in life, it wasn't just one thing but a perfect storm of several all at once. She's young, she has life lessons to learn and hopefully has and the relationship needed to end anyway, something she will only be able to reflect back on given time. I am going to have to talk to DH about my discovery because I need me and him to continue on the same page when it comes to this friend and DD's course finishes in March, so back home after that, but I'm leaving it for a few weeks whilst I have a  real good think about the most appropriate time to fetch it up.

I have fingers crossed my own parents plus DS and gf coming for a '2nd xmas' on the 28th so have just popped out to buy 'party food' for this at a nearby Aldi. God there wasn't much left and not all extended to that shelf life date meaning I've had to pop some in my increasingly full freezer! DH is currently out getting the turkey.

EssexHebridean

Definitely a tricky situation with your DD - perhaps at least a hint to her that you are aware she lied might be in order, although I know you said you were reluctant to do so. Ultimately though if she's old enough to take a conscious decision to lie, I'd suggest she is also old enough for that squirmy feeling of guilt when she realises she's been sussed, but nobody is having a go at her for it. Quiet disappointment may have quite the effect. 

It sounds like the pharamcist is more at fault with not giving vital information about the meds - the GP may not even have known, in fairness, but pharmacists are supposed to make that sort of information very clear I believe as they are the experts. Good thing that DS picked up on it. DD also needs to understand that if these are anti-d's then you mustn't just stop and start, of course! 

She'll be OK - she clearly has a huge amount of family support and encouragement about her to do the right things - hopefully she'll also realise that the friend in question  may not really have her best interests at heart. 

Spendless

Not thought about it being the pharmacist who should have flagged the issue but yes I see you are correct. It was DS and his gf's GP who flagged the conflict to them, which is why I was thinking the Drs should have told DD. Since then DD has had her anti - ds changed, to the ones that her BUPA therapist suggested as first choice and they seem to be a better fit. I scoured the information leaflet on these ones and though I find mixing alcohol isn't recommended it's not the 'don't do it' the others were. We do intend fetching up what we've discovered when the time is right, somewhere between DS returning to his digs and DD going to hers, but with an emphasis on her own personal safety. 

2022 should mark the last calendar year in which we pay a mortgage. The final payment I believe is Feb 2023. However we still do have a  main credit card to get rid of, that 0% deal ends around April/May time. At that point we may borrow from our own savings putting in a repayment scheme to pay back. There's also a smaller CC that I think we used for some purchases in order to keep the other for 0% paying back. There were overdrafts on both mine and the joint current account. I need to check the balances but I think mine might have already  gone due to the wages I've had over the past few weeks. Once the kids have returned to their respective Unis/drama schools and I'm a bit clearer what is happening with me workwise, I can sort out a repayment schedule to get rid of these.

In terms of the kids educational costs (I have savings to meet these) they are costly for the first few months of next year but then should ease as we stop paying for two as DS finishes his degree. Next month however we have DD's last installment of course fees to pay, the accommodation for both kids (we have always paid DS rent due to him getting min student loan and as you're aware DD's course attracts no funding) and then continue to pay DD her weekly grocery money. I'm happy that I'll be able to meet that grocery cost from my wages for her final few weeks regardless of what happens to me after Jan. DD has expressed a desire to find a job in the New Year. I'm pleased she is at least thinking this way

savingholmes

Kids!! Young Adults! Babies! It's hard to see them as grown up as we will always feel responsible for them. When they have any kind of health condition - and your DD has given you a few scares - it's even harder to see them a adults. I have no words of wisdom - but with an 18 and a 23 year old I feel your pain... and hopefully your joy too.

Spendless

Long story but we ended up having 'the chat' with DD last night. She wasn't as forthcoming as I'd hoped and expected her to be, by the same token she did stay put and didn't argue with us about what we had to say. We emphasised the safety aspect. I'm hoping that  @EssexHebridean is correct and given time she will also realise that said friend doesn't have her best interests at heart. 

Today, me, DD, DS and his gf are all going into town. Before Christmas DS said him and gf weren't buying each other presents as they were skint. DH told them of a time early in his and my relationship where we each had a small nominal amount and bought each other something to that amount and then sent DS £20 for him to do the same. Only the £20 instead got spent on buying us, DD and gf parents something so they didn't turn up empty handed. Whilst a lovely thing to do and some thought when in to them doing this, with a lovely box of biscuits for us and some vegetarian mallow chocolates for DD, they didn't need to. DS received Christmas money from my parents, both my Nans and my FIL. When I asked what the intention was to do with the money, though most is going in their wedding fund, they intend taking a little out and buying each other a gift, so they have a £10 budget with an additional  £5 reserve they can also go into if needed (so between £10-15). Knowing how good DD is at getting a bargain (she's better than I am) I suggested it'd make it even more fun if we split into 'teams'. Plus DS isn't much of a shopper and gf doesn't know our town at all, so I am going with her and DD with her brother. Be fun to see what is bought. 

Also had a discussion with DS about him looking for work once his degree is finished. His accommodation is paid for until 1st Sept next year and his course finishes sometime in May. I've told him to go where the work is rather than look to be closer to us. I did say the one thing our town does have going for it as extremely good transport links, so maybe a base here whilst they establish themselves.  

Coxy11

Hi Spendless,
Well done for having 'the chat' which I'm sure can't have been easy. It's good to talk and at least DD knows you have her best interests at heart. 
Hope you have a good time out shopping. I received some vouchers for Christmas so might hit the shops tomorrow as DH is working this week.

savingholmes

Happy New Year

Coxy11

Happy New Year Spendless