Learning to walk before I run

South_coast

There was never any money to spare when I was growing up, so my parents didn't have anything put by to help me as an adult. My Dad paid for my driving lessons (which I don't think he could afford 😳 I'm sure he was relieved when I passed first time!) and he and my Mum bought me my first car between them for £500 - which I then paid £540 to insure 🤦‍♀️! I can't recall anything else beyond that. All through Uni, I was the only person I ever encountered that was paying their own rent, and my family income was low enough that I/they didn't have to pay any fees. 

It's tricky to know how I would feel about cash injections had it been an option, but I do know that I have the satisfaction now that everything I have I have earned myself, and I think that maybe getting a constant stream of "help" could have an impact on your self-esteem. I also think there's an element of control and not cutting the apron strings, but that may be me being very pessimistic!

skint_spice

Oh just remembered that on his 18th my son got a couple of thousand for me from an account I had been saving in for him for years and the same from my parents. He blew his way through it in months! This is despite growing up with a part time job since a paper round at 13. At 26 he is much more sensible and I guarantee he regrets it now.

Viking_mfw

Coming in belatedly with a vote for "gentleman caller."

themadvix

We get random generous gifts from my mum and the in-laws (dad has never been so generous, although I'm pretty sure it's through choice, not lack of ability - and that's entirely up to him!) as they like to treat all siblings the same and we are the most MSE and fortunate of the siblings (my sister is MSE, but has had to buy an abusive ex-partner out and is a single parent; one of Mr MV's siblings has a spendthrift wife and the other bought their house on a low income at an expensive time). We don't need the money that's given though - and we always make it clear that that's the case and we'd rather it was spent on them (falls on deaf ears though).

We both had assistance through uni and parents who paid for driving lessons and gave us contributions towards wedding/house buying (but in the grand scheme of things, these were relatively small -  we mostly paid our own way).

If you're worried about factoring this into your retirement money though Ed, I wouldn't - this money comes from them having more than they need, due to compounding effects, rather than scrimping to give us money and as I suspect you will put yourself in a way better position than they did (particularly the in-laws, as there was/is far less focus on MSE ways), I doubt you'll have a problem with a lack of spare funds when the times comes. 

Suffolk_lass

My parents (my late Dad, who managed their money, except or housekeeping) bailed me out when I built up a debt of several hundred on my first credit card. I diligently paid him back, and eventually the penny dropped with me about having a bit in reserve. My Grandmother (his Mum) also favoured me over my sister, and gave me the money to buy my first car, whereas my sister was given her secondhand sewing machine for the same big birthday. It isn't a pleasant position to be in, and I really feel for anyone who is either the chosen one, or not the chosen one, where this manifests itself. It is divisive and uncomfortable, especially where you don't have the means to redress it.

I have bailed out our son twice, and we gifted him 25% of the house we bought in the nearby town, with some of the proceeds of selling half of our garden (that was too big for me to manage with a fractured spine and associated pain and nerve damage). He does not ask, but if I find out he has taken on or fallen into debt, I would rather he pay me back (and he does) than pay interest. He and his live-in partner seem to be managing but they are far less transparent than he and I always were.

turtlemoose

This conversation is SO interesting. 

Growing up, my parents didn't have much to spare - lots of second-hand everything.  I worked two jobs as a teen (one after school, one Saturday), and picked up full time hours in the school hols (teenage jobs were much easier to get back then!). They generously paid my rent for my first year of uni,  but i got loans, grants, and worked two/three days a week to fund everything else (and paid my own rent for the remaining years). They were generous with their time - my dad's time and his carpentry and plumbing skills were freely given on many occasions. When they moved abroad, they were generous with accomodating trips to stay with them and all food and drink provided by them. But i don't think they ever had much cash to share. Now it's just my mum, and when she moved back to the UK, she had more disposable cash then perhaps ever due to downsizing. So nowadays (I'm about to turn 40) for the first time my mum is gifting cash - but in ways like paying for meals out, paying for a big bill, or a small trip, or similar. Not one big thing but many small things - and now I'm thinking about it, it's all quality of life stuff - covering essentials, but also covering small scale fun things too. She'll take my kids to a trampoline place (£60!), or for lunch at pizza hut which they love etc. As mentioned on my diary she's also giving me 10k to pay off my mortgage in preparation for a rate hike - but this is not a gift per se and is to be deducted out of future inheritance before it's all split equally between me and three siblings. But I'm getting the cash now in recognition that I'm probably the worst off financially (as in, single parent young kids - my siblings are much older and their kids are all adults with independent lives). Inheritance will only be the value of a 1 bed flat - probably 80k between the 4 of us (not that i really want to think about that!). 

Ive always been pretty sensible with money (apart from when in an abusive relationship when he controlled all that), and think growing up having "enough, but only just" taught me good lessons. 

I give my kids an allowance - half their age per week, rounded up, paid monthly - and they can spend it on anything they want. I don't always agree with their purchases, but it's theirs to manage. If they want a bigger thing than one month's worth, they're both quite good at using the pots functionality on hyperjar. My 13yo is currently saving up for a ps5 which is a big outlay (£370 ish), he's up to £150 so far this year so is doing quite well I think. I also talk to them about household finances (to an age appropriate level) so they're aware life doesn't come for free - and my intention is to lay foundations for more in depth discussions on this as they get older, preparing them for when they're out in the world.  I've saved 3k each for them with loose thoughts of driving lessons - but I'm flexible on what they could use it for, depending on what's relevant for them at the time. 

When they're adults,  I'd like to think I'd have the spare cash to add a little enjoyment to their lives. I doubt I'll ever be in a position to gift house deposits or buy cars or similar, but I hope I can afford to do treats and general support. 

powerspowers

Interesting reading everyone’s responses!

my mum wants to be able to treat us but is on a very limited income. I’ll let her buy me cake occasionally but always feel bad when she does as I know money is tight. I worry about her landlord putting the rent up and would be prepared to buy her a house if needed. 

My dad did pay off some debts for me when I got divorced- about £1000. He does have money but has remarried and has a younger family now. Not anticipating any inheritance. 

No help with driving licences (learnt at 27 as couldn’t afford it), uni, house or with the kids. 

Husband does feel you should support kids with driving lessons and car. Their mum doesn’t seem to get that uni will be a cost (she thinks loans cover it but they won’t get maximum due to her income). I think it’ll be an interesting few years as they thrash things out. I’m trying to stay out of it but I do bear it in mind when thinking about our MF date. I don’t begrudge helping them but it should be 50/50 with their mum. 

 I don’t envision helping them with house deposits or costs after uni, they are more than welcome to move in to save but I might leave home and leave them to it whilst cycling the world, another reason to be MF! 

QueenJess

OOh - I knew something exciting was happening here when I logged on and found I'd missed 17 posts!

My parents don't have loads of spare money, but they do get a lot of the kids clothes.  Apparently my mum was panicking I'd quit my job without another one to go to as they didn't have that much spare to help me out.  Clearly they don't know me at all.... I have back up plan a, b, c, d and e    I had to walk them through it and tell them to stop panicking.... I am more of a saver than a spender anyway.  They also put a monthly amount into an ISA for each of the kids as my grandad did that for me and my sister growing up and we managed to go to uni and leave without any debt with it.  My parents want to do the same for my kids.  We also put money into ISA's for them every month, but it's quite small in the scheme of things - hopefully it'll help with a deposit on somewhere though and give them a good start in life.

Every Xmas my in laws give a cheque to DH, BIL and me for exactly the same amount.  Honestly I feel quite uncomfortable with it, but still very grateful.  MIL told me to spend it on myself as I am always doing stuff for everyone else which was lovely, but many years I just stick most of it in the pension (I know I'm boring!).  Might live on the edge and overpay the mortgage with it next time!

glass_half_full

edinburgher said:

Having some thought about "the number". MFWers with adult children - does your spending on these children (bar gifts) ever go away? I have received approximately SFA from my parents over the years in terms of "support" (and I haven't expected it) but some people seem to be constantly paying for uni, car costs, housing etc. 🤔

Love this discussion too. When I read your original question, for some reason my brain processed it as you saying that you were receiving the equivalent of the state pension from your parents, and then I realised that SFA had another meaning! 

Going back to the question, I think the answer is 'it depends'. For example, how old will the adult children be when you reach retirement, how financially secure will they be by then, how much will you want to help them etc? This is a real issue for us as we have our adult son (27) living with us and we are approaching retirement in the next 18 months. We have helped him a lot in the past with various costs, housing, car etc. I think it really is harder now for young adults to get established in the world than it used to be. I would like to help him with a deposit on a flat/small house at some point. But that said, we will have to limit the amount we help him in the future and for sure we would not continue to work because we need to support him financially.

edinburgher

Fantastic chat yesterday, thanks all

I was particularly taken by the collective outpouring of what people had experienced and thought it really interesting that there was a fair bit of emotion coming through in the descriptions of how people related to their own parents and the financial decisions that they had made over the years. 

For the record, I realised that I was being unkind to my side of the family. My parents haven't given me SFA, they gifted us in the region of £2,000 towards the cost of our wedding back in the day. I've also been given two inheritances (one very modest £££, one more meaningful £,£££) from grandparents that haven't changed our lives but have definitely greased the wheels a little Mrs E has also been gifted a lovely wee secondhand car (we loved that car) and has had early inheritances of ££,£££ from her mum. Mentioning those to show gratitude and because it's easy to lose track, not to be crass or to rub salt in the wounds of anybody whose circumstances are different.

@KajiKita - You remind me a little of a colleague who is a little terrified of their parents but whose parents do try and help them out in their own way.

@skint_spice - I seem to recall pocket money not being a thing after 16, not that it was any great loss as there were 5 kids in my house and not much to go round!

@AgathaSquirrel - It is interesting that you mention giving your children spare money if they need it before you pass away. My parents are very traditional, in that the concept of any inheritance is only something for a solicitor to worry about after they are gone. I don't think they realise just how much the world has changed in terms of life expectancy etc. in a few short decades. For example, I see no reason why I won't already be retired well in advance of them going anywhere, by which point I'll not have any need of their money. I will be following your example if I have any extra

@Greying_Pilgrim - Completely agree that an inheritance doesn't have to be £££ - it sounds like you are laying the foundations for LG to be a thoughtful and independent child. Doesn't mean he might ignore it all by the time he's a teenager but at least you tried I'd also like to be adopted by @Debsnewbudget    

@Cheery_Daff - I moved out during university and never went back bar a few months after a relationship ended. Probably one of the worst (financial) mistakes of my life but at least I discovered the MSE forums!

@Watty1 - Aren't people strange and arbitrary? I can't imagine one of my siblings being (financially) favoured, I'm sorry that your relationship with your dad isn't what you might like.

@South_coast - How lovely of your dad to prioritise your driving lessons when you weren't sure that he could afford to do so You have an interesting perspective re. "would help have made me different?", it's a bit like the experiments around universal basic income

@themadvix - Bing bing bing! The prize for helping me work through the question originally asked goes to you! Everyone is kindly sharing their collective experiences of parents doing thoughtful things for them where they were able to do so. The question isn't, therefore, "do I need to do specific additional planning to create another stream of income for the sole purpose of giving it away?", it's "keep being sensible with money and give away any surplus with an open heart when it's right to do so". Thank you.

@Suffolk_lass - What is it with these parents and their favourites, eh? 

@turtlemoose - My parents are very much like that with our girls - forever being generous with thoughtful gifts. Just as well, they've pretty much given up on giving gifts to their own kids We have a very similar approach to pocket money - our eldest gets half her age in pounds a week, not rounded up but inflation adjusted once a year. 

@powerspowers - It is interesting how much importance some parents seem to attach to driving, isn't it? I don't know if my perspective is different as I was nearly 30 when I got my driving licence but it's never been a big deal for me. I couldn't have imagined driving as an older teen etc. I had also assumed (perhaps wrongly) that driving would be less of a draw now that Uber etc. exist and young people can get free public transport (in Scotland, at least).

@QueenJess - It's a fab idea for your parents to contribute to an ISA for your children. To be honest, I'd far rather my parents did that rather than gift lots of (albeit thoughtful) toys to the girls. Then again, I've never actually asked, maybe I should!

Thanks again to each and every one of you for contributing, what a lot of food for thought. Now I really must go and do some work or there'll be no money for anyone!