Learning to walk before I run

KajiKita

That sounds like a very tasty dinner and a satisfying OP 😊👏

In terms of spending on me, my parents have been gifting me the amount they can give me each year without it incurring tax for a while now. When I was in a financial muddle it used to just disappear (I admit to my shame), but now it gets divvied up into thirds - OP, pension contribution and to short term savings to top up EF or do something needed for me or the house. Typically they also ‘help’ (aka pay the bill) with something each year - the last thing was a new laptop for me (not high spec) and before that a new stone house sign. It’s weird really - we are not close at all (regular readers of my diary will know this) but they do this 🤷‍♀️ 

KK

skint_spice

My parents haven’t given me money since I started working! I rarely give DS money though sometimes treat him and his GF (or should that be partner) to a meal, to be fair they often treat me too so it balances out.
As for the boyfriend title I feel partner is used too often as I feel it suggests a long term relationship or living together but it’s often used for someone who folk have been dating for a month! Not sure if there’s a suitable alternative.

Debsnewbudget

My children and grandchildren account for an awful lot of my spending! 

I have paid for swimming lessons, skating lessons,  I go halves on any holidays, buy them flights for  Christmas and regularly throw them some money. 

If I get extra  money I generally share it with them.   I loan them the money for new cars  so they dont pay interest, but do get paid back. Have even helped with house purchases. 

Next to my will is a sheet detailing who still “owes” me money and the children know that this should be accounted for when my estate is divided.  I have also paid for my funeral so that will be one less thing for them To worry about.
We have an open relationship about money and if I am giving to one then the other knows about it.  They know my income and the savings/investments I have.
i am lucky that I received an inheritance but also that my parents were very open.  My dad asked me when I was about 25 if I had enough money to pay for  a funeral should it be needed, when I laughed, and said nope, he put some money in a unit trust in my name to cover me should anything happen to him. 

edinburgher

@Debsnewbudget - I admire your mix of generosity and openness - particularly the openness! My parents are very much of a generation/type where money was not talked about. We're trying to do the opposite with our girls, finances freely talked about but entitlement not humoured. Ironically, I don't think my parents approach had the effect they wished for, I'd say we were quite entitled teens and young adults 😅

Debsnewbudget

My children luckily do not act entitled at all and are very grateful. They are also very generous with me and often treat me to things.
from the age of secondary school they were given an allowance which had to cover travel to school, lunches at school, subs for their hobbies along with spending money. It was then up to them how they managed it. They quickly learned that if they spent extra on one thing they had to stop spending on another. (School travel was non negotiable though!!) 
They did have and do still have different money personalities, but are both good at managing their money.

AgathaSquirrel

Yes my parents have helped myself and my siblings out over the years. It has always been gifted equally between us. I have used mine to overpay the mortgage. This money has never been at the expense of their standard of living. They were never lavish but they enjoyed the holidays they wanted, did what they wanted to the house. I think my dad’s parents also gave them money at points. My retirement won’t be as good as my parents but if we have any extra I would happily give to my kids. There is no point waiting until I die if they need it sooner. It may also be eaten up in care home fees.

Greying_Pilgrim

ed - I'm glad you started this convo.

DH and I are very different in our approaches to money, and it stems from our childhoods, and in turn, how we treat LG.

DH came from a family who gave their kiddos alot, but the wider family (ie aunts and Uncles) were far wealthier (the grandparents had all been poor), and there was mucho "keeping up with the Jones's" 🙄  DH was imbued with a wonderful work ethic, which he has retained, but when we got together, was very wedded to 'Buy now, Pay later', and also had an unhealthy reliance on accepting loans from his parents - which, whilst 'interest free' always came with way too many strings attached......  I came from a family that never had much, and so you either had to save, or take on HP that lasted forever in them days 🙄My family didn't own property, DH's did.

Fast forward to today, DH gives LG a small bit of pocket money each week, and I marshall the CHB to pay for the month's expenses of club fees etc, and school trips and, where it can stretch; CHB contributes to clothing costs, or entertainment in the hols etc.  LG used to be happy that every penny they received went in the bank, they are less than happy with this arrangement now 🤣  Although to their credit, they do put most of any C'mas/b'day money into the bank, and they are reasonable at saving their pocket money..... before blowing it.  Currently relatives - actually my aunts and uncles - have stepped into the gap left because LG's lost grandparentals, and has indifferent aunts and uncles of their own ☹️ LG gets far more 'cash' than I ever got as a child, and we're trying to instill wisdom of targeted spending/saving, rather than live for today, blow it all now.  As much as anything, there isn't room in the house for LG to be buying toys etc on a weekly basis.  

DH's and my siblings have all been reliant on hand-outs from parents as they've grown up - some repaid, some 'forgotten' about.  Once DH and I had been together a while, we'd repaid every penny he'd borrowed from family, and he's never borrowed from them since.  There is likely to be no inheritances, as siblings have all got that ring-fenced ☹️  

It's important to me that LG isn't 'lumbered' with caring for DH and I - that's not why they were put on this earth.  But it's also likely that we won't be around to help, financially or otherwise.  So it's important that we are responsible with our finances now (not racking up debt), and that we provide for the future (funerals etc), and try to teach LG the importance of financial balance, so that they can carve their own way.  I do worry slightly that in a sea of "everyone else has [insert item]" LG will turn into a spend, spend, spend hedonist, which is a character trait several the the familial siblings have.  We're trying to install the saving ethic, without determining what it may be for ie no ring-fenced university fees, as what if LG choses another path?  But a fund now that may enable LG to go on "fancy" school trips (if they so desire) or buy their first car, or contribute towards their first property (more saving to do if that is the case!).

So long story short (!) we're not factoring in financially supporting LG as a adult per se, we're focusing more on laying the building blocks of financial matters, to allow LG freedom/choice in the future. Our micro-family is having to be more financially self-reliant because we are much older parents, which is something that we knowingly took on.  My only regret is that LG doesn't receive much of the 'fun' side of support (not limited to money) that family can gift.  And speaking personally, I want to be adopted by Debsnewbudget 🤣 (pretty please....)

Greying X

Cheery_Daff

Interesting conversation about supporting adult children. None of that in my family - money has always been limited though. I worked from age 13 and was at that point responsible for clothes & toiletries etc - my mum bought the basics (toothpaste, basics shampoo etc) but anything over and above was down to me if I wanted it. 

University support was means tested, so she didn't have to pay (I had an £800 grant in my 1st year, then all loans) - I was used to budgeting as my mum had always got us involved in budgeting for food shopping etc as kids, so stuck within what I had and worked in the holidays. A lot of my contemporaries really struggled as loans for them meant far less disposable income than they'd had at home. 

I went home in the holidays, but moved out properly at the end of University and had no family support since, and now earn far more than either of my parents ever did so I wouldn't take it even if they could give it. My mum does occasionally buy lunch if she visits me 😊

Both Mr C and I grew up in similar circumstances, but very different to many of our friends, who are all either expecting or receiving inheritances as parents die, or whose parents have been available to help with buying cars, or step in for house deposits or if boilers break. I think in some ways we definitely act differently to people who have that safety net, unsurprisingly. And the people we know it who have it, don't always notice that they act differently (also unsurprising, I suppose).

I don't have kids, and as much as I'd like to think if I did I'd encourage them to not rely on me, I have no idea how that would work in practice if I actually had enough. So I'm not sure how much use i am here 😂 Just chipping in as I suppose I'm surprised to see so many people here who receive support from parents so thought I'd throw in a perspective of one who doesn't! 

Watty1

Great conversation.  Just highlights how different the routes that bring us to this path are.    My father indulged my sister (he sold her his flat for approx half the market value).   He did that he said to justify that a Great Aunt had left me some money.  When I inherited it at 21 I gave my sister a chunk and she went to Australia for a few months, I used the rest on the deposit for my first house.    My mum "bailed me out" when she could whilst I was at university, my dad refused to give me a penny saying I should have gone and got a job if I wanted money (and he wonders why I left home LOL)      My mother remained fair and generous to both of us but my dad continued to indulge my sister (he dislikes me, I have come to terms with that).

I don't have children, but I watch the VNM without comment as it is not my circus.   His daughter has an excellent job and her and her partner have renovated a house. It is gorgeous. (What happened to making do?   With gifted and recycled furniture?)      As a result, when she needed a new car, daddy bought it. It was not new, new but second hand new but it struck me at the time she does not need to make her own way.  Every so often he gifts her a wedge of cash.   I'm not entirely sure what she does with that, I can't comment I don't have children.

Greying_Pilgrim

Cheery - my upbringing was more similar to yours, and I managed eventually to go to university because it was still grants, although loans started to taper in at the end of my Uni days. 

Both DH and I were lucky that paper-rounds and Saturday jobs were slightly easier to come by than they are for young people today.  Although my attempts to get Saturday work were thwarted by living out in the country, with a bus-service that didn't correspond with shop opening times and parents who were unable/unwilling to drive me into town. 

DH and I also marvel at the actions and outlook of our contemporaries who are in line for inheritances.  I'd be lying if I said that the green-eyed monster didn't occasionally appear.  DH finds it particularly difficult to remain light-hearted when work colleagues whang on about holidays, sporty cars, nights out on the beer etc (the adults who still live with their parents), and colleagues who complain that they've run out of things they need to buy as they've come into several considerable inheritances in the last few years 🫤  

Greying X