Learning to walk before I run

edinburgher

• £14.57 OPed
• £12.92 withdrawn from Prolific and paid to my personal spends account. I paid for a tasty Greek lunch today as I have quite a bit more personal spends cash left than Mrs E

There is a bit of family drama bubbling up and I don't feel there is anything I can do other than listen. MIL has a new boyfriend who she has been seeing for some months. Mrs E has only met him twice and is angry that MIL is essentially trying to sub him in as an established family member. 

Despite the guy being somewhat cocksure (a wideo in Scottish slang) and a bit of a gammon, there's nothing obviously horrendously wrong with him. I think the problem is the lazy way in which MIL assumes that because he's a part of her life, he automatically becomes that for everyone else. Mrs E seems to find that disrespectful of her dad's memory. New boyfriend sees SIL a lot more because she is unemployed and living with MIL, but she vacillates between thinking he's rude and inappropriate or generous, depending on how the mood takes her. 

There is a lack of emotional intelligence, MIL has often been accused of being uncaring and/or cold or unable to do the finer emotions. Her reaction to Mrs E being honest about this was "I don't know what the fuss is about, I've been dating him for x months, don't come round if you feel uncomfortable". She hemmed and hawed around Mrs E putting forth her perspective and actually engaging with it. Mrs E is a tactful woman who is both emotionally intelligent and resilient. She is passionate in a quiet way, but she isn't ruled by her emotions, always the levelheaded one in a family argument. 

Not really sure what to do. I am not made of stone, but I could start an argument in an empty room. I don't want to encourage Mrs E to see her mum less, but the relationship can be very one-sided at the best of times. If we continue to butt out MIL will only depend more on new boyfriend, if we don't it seems that our only choice is to accept things the way they are with Mrs E having to swallow her sense of hurt. It's not easy being human, eh?   

It's possible, I suppose, that MIL will think on her calmer daughter feeling the need to comment, but it's also entirely possible she goes the other way and thinks "screw you" in the style of people in a new romance since time began... Has anyone experienced anything similar? Thankfully rare circumstances for me!

beanielou

All am going to say is I loathe wide boys. )wideo) so get where Mrs E is coming from. 

My DS was in a relationship with someone whose step dad was one for 13 years. Sigh. It all ended in tears. 

edinburgher

Thanks Beanie. He's your classic wideo (gives it all the chat with MIL and SIL as he views himself as established but wouldn't say boo to a goose with me or Mrs E).

It would all seem pretty harmless if not for the fact that MIL seems quite enchanted with his schtick 🤷🏻‍♂️

debtfreewannabe321

Morning Ed 🙂 my mother dated someone similar back when I'd already left home but my two sisters were still there. They'd tell me about his behaviour and taking over everything and controlling food and them, and especially mum, and he sounds just like a wideo (never heard that phrase before) we called him something different being from London 🙃🙂 lol. Perhaps not as polite.
I made sure to go to family dos and Christmas etc because his sole aim was to push us all away so he could manipulate his way into my mum's life slowly but surely and control her. Hopefully it's not the same for your MIL. Eventually my mother's bf showed his true colours and I had bided my time waiting, biting my tongue, doing the exact opposite that he wanted me to do, I showed up every time and smiled...I packed his bags for him eventually, left them outside so he could find them after his shift, and sent him packing. My mother was too weak to do so herself- I didn't do this without her say so though.
But he would have successfully weasled his way in if we hadn't been watching him like a hawk. I'd suggest going, disengaging from the wide boi talk and using your intellect to bring him down a peg or two, they hate that, and eventually he'll show his true colours to your MIL and hopefully she'll move on to someone better. She's probably just very lonely and has latched on to whomever showed her the most attention at that time.
Feel free to ignore of course but whatever route you take I hope mil realises soon he's not a good match 💕.

edinburgher

@debtfreewannabe321- Thank you for sharing your experience, it's appreciated I live in hope that MIL's new boyfriend is just a bit needy and lacking in subtlety as opposed to controlling, but keeping MIL close as opposed to the opposite is likely very good counsel.

• £10.42
• Some money moved from personal spends to my cash savings as part of the continued attempt to get myself to 70% equities/30% cash, the stock market looks like we're not having a Santa rally this year.

Cheery_Daff

Sorry to hear about troublesome family ed. That advice sounds excellent - and I would also add to be mindful not to make your mum feel like you're trying to turn her against him, that may well make her turn more towards him,and feel unable to ask for help if she ever needs it (because she might fear you'll say "I told you so"). Let him show his colours, whatever they are, and let her see them for herself. But DFW's advice about showing up is great xx