Learning to walk before I run

badmemory

The good thing is that you KNOW.  The normal "problem people" are the ones who don't know they have a problem even though their family are sure.

Karmacat

Yikes, it is, but I'm a long time gone from it now - more than six years!  My area was very niche, too - I always worked with the model of releasing repressed childhood emotions, to balance things up.  There was an application procedure, and not everyone was accepted, by any means, it's not right for some people.

However, we still wanted to fit in ethically within the UK (the work I did didn't originate in the UK) so we went with UK qualifications, so I *do* know something about the wider situation.  Finding a counsellor/ therapist is one thing that I really can help you with.  This link Could counselling change your life? (bacp.co.uk) will give you a starting point.  It's a lot skimpier than it used to be, because most people will read it on their mobile phones, not their computers, but that's where we are, I'm afraid.

This Links to other organisations that may be able to help (bacp.co.uk) is a link to the heading at the bottom of that page.

Looking at the BACP therapist directory is helpful - I input "anger management" and "Edinburgh" (because that's your name on here ) there's lots of choice, and there will be where you actually live, as well.

Reading what you're saying about what you want and the issues you want to deal with, something like the cathartic therapy I used to do would almost certainly be inappropriate.  Something much more focussed on specific emotions in your present day that are doing you a disservice could be better: check out the links to "types of counselling" - something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Solution Focussed Brief Therapy might be right for you.  The stuff I did was more about dealing with abusive childhood, attack, death, even war.  But just to warn you, counselling can go deeper than you might expect.
 
There's also this umbrella organisation: Home | UKCP (psychotherapy.org.uk) I had a few friends who were members, it's much the same, in spite of sounding more qualified.

Questions
Absolutely crucial!
This looks a good set of questions to ask any prospective counsellor 9 Questions you Need to Ask your Therapist : Blog (harleytherapy.com)
And this isn't bad either: Five questions to ask if you're considering counselling - Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk)

You'd be giving this person a fair old whack of money, remember - you have a right to ask and to check things out.  Cancellation policies!  OMG, the trouble I've seen (as a client).

Sorry it's long!  That's why I didn't answer initially, I knew an essay would come pouring out.  I also need to add - you won't get anything much from the NHS because of the waiting lists, and you won't get much choice about what you're offered, even when you get to the top of the list, I wouldn't bother, to be honest.  I don't give that much weight to "diagnosis", either.

Final Bit:
COSCA - Counselling and Psychotherapy in Scotland
They look good!  Right at the bottom of the page, on the left, there's a link to "Counselling" - very interesting subjects.

HTH.  Sorry again for the length.

savingholmes

ADHD diagnosis and medication calms some people down. You can start off private and then go to NHS but that cost my DS thousands. He doesn't regret it though.

Antidepressants helps some.

Making sure you get lots of exercise can help as you are channeling your energy positively.

Making Lists and trying to pack less in can give you reset time 

edinburgher

@Karmacat - thank you - that is wonderful I will start to dig into these at the end of the week and will return in anger (turn of phrase, turn of phrase)! next week after our short break to do something about it

@savingholmes - I truly hope that you didn't feel that I was questioning your lived experience, that of your DS or ignoring your well made suggestions? What I meant to say and articulated clumsily or not at enough length is that I have managed to get to middle age with minimal *practical* consequences of the problems I'd like help with - whether that be anger, lack of self esteem, or lack of attention to detail. That's not to say that these issues haven't had a very real effect on the people I love but that's harder to measure, because they also love me and adjust to meet me in the middle (even when they shouldn't have to).

My comments on diagnosis were more meant to indicate a desire to do something to try and start talking through these problems, not to completely rubbish the idea of medical diagnoses. Like all sane Brits, I support the NHS, trust my GP and get my vaccines 

You also get private assessments for ADHD up here and as you have said, it is costly, £,£££ costly. What may be of benefit would be an initial consult with a clinically trained professional to discuss whether there is any point to approaching such an assessment as a nearly 40-year-old adult. From what I read, although I tick many of the boxes the NHS suggest may be traits of someone living with ADHD as an adult, it's notoriously difficult to go from having nothing to having a diagnosis and in all likelihood I would never be recognised as having one (as this wasn't explored in younger life). I don't blame anyone for that, I spent pretty much my entire teenage years not talking to anybody, so what could have been done?

edinburgher

Stepping aside from weighty MH topics for a moment, I continue to pay down my CCs, including £181.85 today (monthly DD of 2.5% of the balance, 1% of the remaining balance, a couple of £ from my personal spends account and just over a £ from Ch@se current account cashback)

We now have less than £8,000 on CCs and the larger CC has just dropped below 50% utilisation. That said, the pace of payback is likely to slacken soon, as there is perhaps only £1,000-1,500 left overbudgeted in the "Extension" pot. The auction for the 4 bottles of whisky I am selling starts today, so that will be something extra to add to the pot. Other than that? Just virement, small supplements from my personal spends, cashback, savings interest and PB wins to boost the fixed monthly payments. My current goal is to pay off the larger CC by 13th May 2023 (0% purchase offer ends that day). That sounds doable, it would require a daily payment of slightly under half of what I'm currently paying until then.

This would leave c. £2,000 on the smaller CC to pay off by the following year.

*Edit: and perhaps a lump of backdated pay as our pay deal has been agreed.

Karmacat

edinburgher said:

@Karmacat - thank you - that is wonderful I will start to dig into these at the end of the week and will return in anger (turn of phrase, turn of phrase)! next week after our short break to do something about it

@savingholmes - I truly hope that you didn't feel that I was questioning your lived experience, that of your DS or ignoring your well made suggestions? What I meant to say and articulated clumsily or not at enough length is that I have managed to get to middle age with minimal *practical* consequences of the problems I'd like help with - whether that be anger, lack of self esteem, or lack of attention to detail. That's not to say that these issues haven't had a very real effect on the people I love but that's harder to measure, because they also love me and adjust to meet me in the middle (even when they shouldn't have to).

My comments on diagnosis were more meant to indicate a desire to do something to try and start talking through these problems, not to completely rubbish the idea of medical diagnoses. Like all sane Brits, I support the NHS, trust my GP and get my vaccines 

You're welcome  

SavingHolmes, sorry, hope I didn't offend or upset you.  Totally agree on your comments above about exercise, listmaking (my personal go-to), appropriate drugs and reassessing commitments - crucial, really.  I'm glad you have coping mechanisms too.  Making sure I get changes of scenery too is important - short holidays, things like that.  And I'll echo Ed's comments about what sane Brits feel about the NHS, for sure!

I have no knowledge at all of ADHD or the services available for those who need them - the only exception being the little boy of a neighbour of mine at one stage, who was diagnosed and on Ritalin.  I was pruning in the back garden, he came out onto the flat roof of their bathroom, and we had little chats and play for about an hour.  His big sister came out to fetch him, and as a goodbye he threw a garden fork (a three foot long job) at me.  Perfectly calm, perfectly happy, it only missed me because I stepped back.  The neighbour took him off the Ritalin at weekends, he was on a heavy dose, and that irregularity may have caused additional problems for all I know.  

Ed, enjoy the short break  

edinburgher

It is looking like Evri have lost the £200 coffee maker I sold on eB@y. I haven't swore once

savingholmes

edinburgher said:

It is looking like Evri have lost the £200 coffee maker I sold on eB@y. I haven't swore once

That is super irritating. 

edinburgher said:

@savingholmes - I truly hope that you didn't feel that I was questioning your lived experience, that of your DS or ignoring your well made suggestions? What I meant to say and articulated clumsily or not at enough length is that I have managed to get to middle age with minimal *practical* consequences of the problems I'd like help with - whether that be anger, lack of self esteem, or lack of attention to detail. That's not to say that these issues haven't had a very real effect on the people I love but that's harder to measure, because they also love me and adjust to meet me in the middle (even when they shouldn't have to).

My comments on diagnosis were more meant to indicate a desire to do something to try and start talking through these problems, not to completely rubbish the idea of medical diagnoses. Like all sane Brits, I support the NHS, trust my GP and get my vaccines 

You also get private assessments for ADHD up here and as you have said, it is costly, £,£££ costly. What may be of benefit would be an initial consult with a clinically trained professional to discuss whether there is any point to approaching such an assessment as a nearly 40-year-old adult. From what I read, although I tick many of the boxes the NHS suggest may be traits of someone living with ADHD as an adult, it's notoriously difficult to go from having nothing to having a diagnosis and in all likelihood I would never be recognised as having one (as this wasn't explored in younger life). I don't blame anyone for that, I spent pretty much my entire teenage years not talking to anybody, so what could have been done?

I wasn't in any way offended - just trying to highlight possibilities. My GP repeatedly tried to put me off getting various assessments. I am glad I persisted. While it's true that post diagnosis support is lacking - it has helped me in lots of ways to be later than you diagnosed with ASD. It raised my self esteem as I was proud of all I had overcome despite having certain traits that made life more difficult for me than some. I am currently pursuing an ADHD diagnosis.

A relative of similar in age to you have pursued ADHD diagnosis - and feels better for it. They too have young kids. They make more allowances for themselves - and others do too - realising that this is how they are wired rather than them 'failing' at being normal... whatever that is. They found the medication calmed them down and improved their MH and gave them more patience. They are now less hard on themselves. 

All I'm trying to say is don't automatically write it off as unnecessary. I earn decent £. My relative earns decent £. We cope despite our difficulties - doesn't mean to say they aren't there. 

@Karmakat - that sounds a frightening experience. There is a spectrum and how adults present is different to children.

Ed - if you can remember enough about your childhood to point to symptoms being there pre-12 that's enough. I refused to let my parents participate in my assessment(s). They just need someone who knows you well for a second voice if you like. It doesn't have to be someone who has known you since childhood.

Paspatur

Karmacat said:

I have no knowledge at all of ADHD or the services available for those who need them - the only exception being the little boy of a neighbour of mine at one stage, who was diagnosed and on Ritalin.  I was pruning in the back garden, he came out onto the flat roof of their bathroom, and we had little chats and play for about an hour.  His big sister came out to fetch him, and as a goodbye he threw a garden fork (a three foot long job) at me.  Perfectly calm, perfectly happy, it only missed me because I stepped back.  The neighbour took him off the Ritalin at weekends, he was on a heavy dose, and that irregularity may have caused additional problems for all I know.  

Or maybe the Ritalin caused it?
My son was diagnosed with ADD as it used to be called and put on Ritalin, not at my instigation but at the schools as he was a happy but hyperactive and, therefore, disruptive pupil
His behaviour then became very erratic/unpredictable at which point I stopped him taking it

Looked into environmental causes rather than the ADD diagnosis and it turned out to be caused by sugar
Not gallons of fizzy rubbish as he got none of that but just sugar added to so many daily food stuffs, by the manufacturer not me
Cut the sugar and hyperactive child became totally laid back child and still is as an adult

I am wary of labels and even more wary of drugs

Karmacat

savingholmes said:

 While it's true that post diagnosis support is lacking - it has helped me in lots of ways to be later than you diagnosed with ASD. It raised my self esteem as I was proud of all I had overcome despite having certain traits that made life more difficult for me than some. I am currently pursuing an ADHD diagnosis.

A relative of similar in age to you have pursued ADHD diagnosis - and feels better for it. They too have young kids. They make more allowances for themselves - and others do too - realising that this is how they are wired rather than them 'failing' at being normal... whatever that is. They found the medication calmed them down and improved their MH and gave them more patience. They are now less hard on themselves. 
Oh!  This never occurred to me, I'll be honest - excellent reason to go for diagnosis.

@Karmakat - that sounds a frightening experience. There is a spectrum and how adults present is different to children.
I was so surprised, that beat everything.  I'm lucky his sister was there, even though she was only a child herself.

Paspatur said:

Karmacat said:

I have no knowledge at all of ADHD or the services available for those who need them - the only exception being the little boy of a neighbour of mine at one stage, who was diagnosed and on Ritalin.  I was pruning in the back garden, he came out onto the flat roof of their bathroom, and we had little chats and play for about an hour.  His big sister came out to fetch him, and as a goodbye he threw a garden fork (a three foot long job) at me.  Perfectly calm, perfectly happy, it only missed me because I stepped back.  The neighbour took him off the Ritalin at weekends, he was on a heavy dose, and that irregularity may have caused additional problems for all I know.  

Or maybe the Ritalin caused it?
Could well be, yes.

My son was diagnosed with ADD as it used to be called and put on Ritalin, not at my instigation but at the schools as he was a happy but hyperactive and, therefore, disruptive pupil
His behaviour then became very erratic/unpredictable at which point I stopped him taking it

Looked into environmental causes rather than the ADD diagnosis and it turned out to be caused by sugar
Not gallons of fizzy rubbish as he got none of that but just sugar added to so many daily food stuffs, by the manufacturer not me
Cut the sugar and hyperactive child became totally laid back child and still is as an adult

I am wary of labels and even more wary of drugs

Oh my!  What an awful experience for you and him.   I agree with you about labels and drugs - and the role of additives like sugar is culpable too, I think.