Money Moral Dilemma: Should we change the way we split household costs because we're having a baby?

Thrifty_T

I believe that splitting bills proportionally to income is a fair solution.

My husband and I do this. We never fight about money…..but we do share the same views on our finances.
We both come from families where finances were combined and this led to many feuds. This is something we wanted to avoid and felt that splitting our finances proportionally was a good way to avoid this.

pollypenny

When couples have this 'my money/your money division what happens when one of them becomes really extravagant, knowing there may be expenses down the line or improvements to benefit the whole family?  

Littledaler

It is unfair that one partner pays more into the communal pot because of salary levels, however, I would advise against putting all your salaries into a communal pot.  Decide on a fair percentage of your incomes to be paid directly into a joint account for communal expenditure - top ups can be made for large/unexpected items.  This is the fairest way to organise finances - and you can get on with enjoying your new family.

desole

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My partner and I have always split every cost 50/50 at my request, despite her earning more than me. Now we've a baby on the way, she'll be taking maternity leave and so temporarily earning significantly less. Should we maintain the status quo, or should we now split costs proportionally or even combine our wages fully?

Surely the bigger question is whether there should be a legally defined way that bills are shared to prevent coercive control.  I remember my late father expecting my late father expecting my late mother to ask for money if she needed it which she found degrading.  He was happy to pay anything but old fashioned, so they set up a credit card that he paid off every month and he gave her £600 a month with no bills to pay.

The way I see it is that there are four ways to manage finances

1. All income goes into a central pot, bills are paid and both agree spending

2. A "bills" account is created and each contribute 50%

3. A "bills" account is created and each contributing their percentage of income

4. It is agreed that each pay certain bills that are roughly equal.

Someone who has earned their higher income may feel entitled to have more to show for it in their personal spending.

Others may want to have a rainy day account for the inevitable day when they split up and are taken to the cleaners.

People can want some element of privacy, nobody wants their spending to be judged by their other half, so it takes a great deal of respect and acceptance.

I have a friend who had an Ex that he got joint credit cards and store cards with, she was always out of control, she had a disease of needing to spend money on things she did not need or often did not even want.  It often ended up never worn or never used and given away at car boot sales or on Freecycle.  They split with him taking on all the debt she had accrued to the tune  of £60,000 plus mortgage arrears.  She did it all over again and again.

So my preferred solution is option 3 above, so "bills" account is created and each contributing their percentage of income.  If the household income was £100,000 with her earning £60,000 and her partner earning £40,000 then she would pay 60% of all bills and her partner would pay 40%.

Then when she got pregnant and her income reduced then their would be a review of the percentages. I can't see how anyone can be expected to keep contributing 50% of a bill or any percent of a bill if they have no income or SSP etc.

The way to manage this may be by using sites like privacy dot com which allows virtual cards to be created with spending limits. It has a free option but the paid version has a 1% cashback so may be viable if you put enough through it.  I am not sure if it is fully set up for UK yet.

I do not approve of joint accounts as they can be used to create a joint liability, so the bills account holder should be agreed by the parties to be one person.  I do not like joint names on bills either, (except Council tax), as it can mean you can't take advantage of certain offers.

borkid

Littledaler said:

It is unfair that one partner pays more into the communal pot because of salary levels, however, I would advise against putting all your salaries into a communal pot.  Decide on a fair percentage of your incomes to be paid directly into a joint account for communal expenditure - top ups can be made for large/unexpected items.  This is the fairest way to organise finances - and you can get on with enjoying your new family.

BiB  it depends very much on the individual circumstances. I gave up the opportunity to take a Ph.D because at the time my husband was studying for his accountancy exams also he had very strong views about young children needing their mother at home. There was, at the time a inherited disability on his side of the family,  I thought it would, if we were unlucky enough to have a disabled child, be better for me to be younger rather than older to when he/ she were born. I took 7 years out to raise my two until school age, by the time I was ready to return to the workplace things had changed and unless I was prepared to retake my first degree I would not be able to get back in at the same level. I retrained for another career but didn't earn the same as hubby. Also due to his childhood experiences he didn't want our children coming home to an empty house so I worked part time.

He, apart from the first couple of years. earned more than me, having given up a career I loved to have a family why should I be at a disadvanatage? Maybe I should have charged him for all the childminding, cleaning, taxi service, paperwork, gardening, decorating  etc which I did for free.

Sparky6_9

When my brother met his partner she was in debt. He paid off all her debts as well as taking on her two children. He then gave her a credit card, in his name of course, because she had bad debt history. They had two kids and then she dumped him for another man, taking the kids and leaving him with over £30k in debt. That was nearly 20 years ago and he has never fully recovered. When my sister got married her husband had nothing. She used the profits from her house so they could move and then a few years later they remortgaged so they could invest in the business that he worked for. She left all the finance to him. After 18 years marriage they split but despite earning good money all they had left was the equity in the house. They spent as quickly as they earnt. They had a good life whilst it lasted but she had no idea just how bad there financial situation was because she let him control everything. A mate's wife had serious spending problems that got them into serious debt and lead to divorce. Someone we know (not a friend) is a right miser and goes through the bank account every month to check what she has spent! They are both miserable.
My wife and I have a 'household' account that we both pay into. This covers all our bills and extra for a rainy day. I earn more since we had kids so I pay in more. We still have our own money so we can buy or do the things we want. I have suggested pooling all our money but she likes her independence. If we want to make a major purchase then we agree how we are going to fund it. Money is the one thing we don't argue about.
Like any good relationship it is about communication and trust. Whatever you decide you need to be open and frank. As the main breadwinner you will need to step up and not just financially. Good luck

Sheriff23

In the early days of our relationship my partner and I paid all major bills in direct proportion to our monthly incomes updated on a monthly basis with each individual treating any remaining money as their own for personal use (small bills like a meal out were not treated like this).   This worked brilliantly for us and when my wife went on maternity and had little income my proportion of the bills rose to over 90%, but this still worked very well for us.    As we grew better off we just treated all of our money as one pot.  We have never argued over money and have now been together for 41 years.

JayD

You must do what works best for you both. Discuss it. Open it up for her suggestions, as well as making your own. When you come to an agreement - with the option to change things if it isn't suiting either of you. Then give it a try for a while and see how you both feel. As long as nothing is written in stone, and you can both share your thoughts and ideas, without conflict, you should be happy with whatever decisions you both agree on.

cazlor

I would leave things has they are, equal split 50/50. Your partner was quite happy with this, while earning more than you, so it is a reversal of earnings for a while.

MALi

It all comes down to Trust and Love. It takes two responsible people to bring a child into this topsy turvy world.
Equal sharing of everything in your lives, including earnings/savings.
Joint account, Joint responsibilities. If you are not married do it when your baby can attend in person.  Awesome!