Money Moral Dilemma: Do I give a gift when it's a 'pretend' wedding?

VAM1973

I wouldn't go it's against the law to get married before you are divorced and it's gaining money via deception, I would make my excuses and have nothing to do with it

grumpyawldwifey

I wouldn't give anything simply because the receiving of presents isn't (or shouldn't be) the reason people have celebrations, it's because they want to share their joy with their friends and family. 

Luto

Give them a meaningful gift from a charity instead; their 'present' will go to someone that really needs it. Google 'charity gifts' and take your pick from a cause close to your's or their heart.

clearancer

Grumpy_chap said:

Pollycat said:

A lot of people nowadays seem to want money so they can spend it on a honeymoon.

When this is the case, how do you set the amount?

Far easier when it is a thing as you can flex the spend to the "right" present.

I gift cash to approximate the value of my enjoyment! All day wedding with sit down “wedding breakfast”, evening buffet, dancing and a band, I’d gift £200.

SeanMaria

Whether you attend or not is up to you but they've invited you to celebrate their relationship so you need to decide if you want to participate and/or give a gift. If you can afford to give something then decide if you want to give money or give another type of gift like maybe a gift card or subscription and you can always ask them if you are really unsure. If you decide you don't want to attend, then RSVP with a declinature. The legality of the matter is not your issue and if he's really not divorced by the time of the 'wedding' I hope he's on good terms with his ex.

Welshwizard50

Two things going on here. One is the 'deception' that he is not yet divorced, but perhaps that's just a matter of timing. However many many couples have a humanist wedding ceremony every year and this maybe the case. There is no legal standing to these in England and Wales, although they are legal in Scotland and Northern Ireland. Couples regard their humanist ceremony as their "wedding day " as its more personal than a church or registry offic and is a super occasion. They usually pop along to a Registrar at some stage to complete the legal formalities, sometimes months later or maybe not at all, preferring the ceremony to be one of 'commitment' rather than legal marriage. So cut them some slack. To them this IS their wedding day whatever their circumstances. Oh and buy them a present. Not compulsory to give money. And in case you're wondering, I'm a Humanist Celebrant conducting many such weddings every year. You can marry where, when and how you want. 

Pollycat

Welshwizard50 said:

Two things going on here. One is the 'deception' that he is not yet divorced, but perhaps that's just a matter of timing. However many many couples have a humanist wedding ceremony every year and this maybe the case. There is no legal standing to these in England and Wales, although they are legal in Scotland and Northern Ireland. Couples regard their humanist ceremony as their "wedding day " as its more personal than a church or registry offic and is a super occasion. They usually pop along to a Registrar at some stage to complete the legal formalities, sometimes months later or maybe not at all, preferring the ceremony to be one of 'commitment' rather than legal marriage. So cut them some slack. To them this IS their wedding day whatever their circumstances. Oh and buy them a present. Not compulsory to give money. And in case you're wondering, I'm a Humanist Celebrant conducting many such weddings every year. You can marry where, when and how you want. 

And that's fine.

Just don't lie and say someone is divorced when they are not divorced.

fifty-something

Monopoly money would be about right

Sadie73

Pollycat said:

‘I really don't like anyone asking for wedding presents.

It was different many years ago when couples got engaged, set a date for the wedding and lived at home until after the wedding, then set up home together.

Towels, irons, kettles were welcome gifts.

A lot of people nowadays seem to want money so they can spend it on a honeymoon.’

As a parent involved in two weddings at the moment whereby my children both own houses with their partners, it seems very reasonable to me when they are spending upwards of £200 per guest to have them share their special days to prefer money to another iron or toaster. People may wish to buy something cheap or not disclose by a monetary amount how much they spend on a gift, but please bear in mind that if you are one of the favoured few deemed worthy of spending a great deal of money on to be a guest at a wedding, then please think more kindly of the happy couple. If you’d rather keep your money in your pocket then my suggestion would be to politely decline the invitation rather than giving a pointless gift. I very much hope that the wonderful guests at my children’s long awaited weddings will feel after the delays they’ve experienced, a honeymoon is the very least they deserve.

Tim11111000111

My two cents:

I don't like being lied to. If they were straight with you and said "The divorce hasn't gone through yet but we're fed up of waiting so we're going to have a wedding-style party anyway" then I would treat it like any other wedding. But if they can't give you the decency of being honest to you, then I would feel under no obligation to be decent back to them. Big caveat here is that gossip isn't always accurate - I would be careful to make sure you have all your facts straight before burning any bridges. 

I would further say that for any wedding, it's rude to ask for gifts. Fair enough setting out what you would like to receive if someone felt they wanted to give you a gift, but there should be no expectation. It's a wedding, not a charity dinner - they should be happy to celebrate it with their loved ones, not just seeing you as cash cows. I would normally choose to give a gift at a wedding, but only so long as it is my choice! You haven't specified the ages of the couple, but if the groom at least is on his second marriage, I assume it's not like they are a young couple just starting out who might need help setting up their family home. It's also hard to get a feel of your relationship with the couple from the one brief paragraph provided - it sounds to me like you don't really like them and any gift would be begrudging anyway. So I'm very much leaning towards don't bother - don't make a big fuss about it; turn up and have a nice day, but just don't bring anything.