Money Moral Dilemma: Do I give a gift when it's a 'pretend' wedding?

REJP

No, don’t give anything.

domari

how about some pretend monopoly money?

Emerion

I would double-check your source for this information, because surely they would have thought-through the consequences of this deception. There are legal ramifications aren’t there? A priest/celebrant is obliged to check that there is no impediment to the marriage before proceeding. An existing wife is an impediment. The celebrant would not agree to conduct a marriage under these circumstances, and I’m wondering if your relatives would be committing an offence if they lie about it to whoever is conducting the marriage? If you find out that instead, someone is just going to say a few words, just to make it feel like a real wedding, because they are just tired of waiting, and want to feel married, then that’s their choice, and where’s the harm? In that case, you would buy the gift, I would have thought.

adventerous_tea

Like someone else has previously said, they could’ve had a date set for the divorce which has been pushed back for whatever reason, so they’re still going ahead with the celebration but then doing the official service another time with just a few witnesses. Personally I would get them either a gift or money whichever you would do for a wedding now. Then in the future if they have a second celebration and ask for a second gift I wouldn’t get one then. 

As for people saying people now ask for money, I understand not wanting to receive gifts you ultimately don’t like/want and don’t want them to just get thrown out. Money means you can get something you actually want, or spend it on a honeymoon as most people already have a home set up. However people shouldn’t judge the amount people give 😊 

NowVillager

You could ask them in a friendly, concerned way, maybe by saying you think someone else has got their wires crossed. If you were in their position, you wouldn't want people thinking you were lying to everyone for financial gain or, worse, potentially committing bigamy if there's a ceremony as well, would you?

telsco

"...since found out..." It sounds like the guests haven't officially been told.
So the couple are actually wanting to gain financially by deception. Sounds a bit iffy to me.
I would put monopoly money in an envelope.

Insywinsy

I do not like to be told to give money. 

I would buy a gift 

Neoma

As a rule of thumb, give the cost of your meal and drinks that are provided at the party. Nothing fake about that. Anything above that is a reflection of your relationship (so a close sibling gets more, a distant cousin gets less)

If they're having their "wedding" now they're not going to later say "oh, that was fake, give us more". Take it at face value: this is their celebration.

Or decline the invitation? 

Marvel1

As far as I'm concerned, if I gifted for the first wedding (obviously for one of them), then that's it, I won't give for a second and very cheeky to ask also.

Pollycat

adventerous_tea said:

Like someone else has previously said, they could’ve had a date set for the divorce which has been pushed back for whatever reason, so they’re still going ahead with the celebration but then doing the official service another time with just a few witnesses. Personally I would get them either a gift or money whichever you would do for a wedding now. Then in the future if they have a second celebration and ask for a second gift I wouldn’t get one then. 

As for people saying people now ask for money, I understand not wanting to receive gifts you ultimately don’t like/want and don’t want them to just get thrown out. Money means you can get something you actually want, or spend it on a honeymoon as most people already have a home set up. However people shouldn’t judge the amount people give 😊 

But why lie to the family?

Why not be up-front and say 'we're really disappointed that Joe's divorce hasn't come through as soon as we expected it to and we've made all the plans now so it won't be an actual ceremony but we're still having the party and we'd still like you to come and celebrate it with us'?

MSE_Laura_F said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm going to a family 'wedding' that has been years in the planning while the groom waited for his divorce to go through from his previous marriage. The couple have told the family he's now divorced and the wedding is going ahead, and they've asked for money as a wedding present. But I've found out that the divorce isn't through yet, so it won't be an official ceremony in law and is probably little more than a party in reality.

Why not be honest?

Thinking about it, this MMD doesn't make sense.

How can you have people attending a wedding that isn't official?

Won't someone notice that it isn't "an official ceremony in law"?