Former friend sends insensitive messages in sympathy cards

TBagpuss

I don't think that there's much you can do - if you yourself receive something from her then you can tell how how hurtful / insensitive it was.

However,

If she is trying to be sympathetic but failing then having someone raise it with her *might* help, but it's more likely that she will just see it as a one-off error or unreasonable recipient who doesn't appreciate the sympathy.

If it is intentional, then responding in any way just gives her the satisfaction of having caused upset .

It's probably best to assume that it's intended to be sympathetic however badly it misses the mark, and let it go. If it's condolence cards then presumably no-one is getting more than one? 

maman

I don't mean to sound callous, especially during the pandemic, but surely sympathy cards can't come up that often in your friendship group.

Yes, it may be upsetting when it happens but I really don't think it's worth poking at. You've already cut her out of your group. Just move on. 

T.T.D

You personally have not been contacted by her. 

It would be down to the individual to whom is offended and for police to look into their claims.

What would I do in this case? I would certainly be looking at Facebook friends list where you are all friends together with same person of whom you all don’t know or seen to be inconspicuous, looking for someone who never or rarely posts but is liking and or sharing yours and friendship group posts and removing old accounts of people whom you know have new or regularly use another account. 

You know what this person is like so ignoring them and trying to cut them socially would be the best advise.

74jax

T.T.D said:

You personally have not been contacted by her. 

It would be down to the individual to whom is offended and for police to look into their claims.

What would I do in this case? I would certainly be looking at Facebook friends list where you are all friends together with same person of whom you all don’t know or seen to be inconspicuous, looking for someone who never or rarely posts but is liking and or sharing yours and friendship group posts and removing old accounts of people whom you know have new or regularly use another account. 

You know what this person is like so ignoring them and trying to cut them socially would be the best advise.

For an unwanted sympathy card..... 

pickledonionspaceraider

briskbeats said:

My colleagues used to be friends with a a former colleague (lets refer her as S) who we fell out with due to her lying. Plus she became racist.This happened 6 years ago.

She also had friends from other paths fallen out with her for similar reasons.

The problem is when one of her former friends or their partners dies, she sends them a sympathy card. The message in the card is always insensitive and horrible. We don’t know how S finds out who has died as she’s not on any social media or she’s a technophobe. Plus most of the deaths aren’t listed in deaths in the local paper.

Someone needs to tell S to stop sending sympathy cards to people she knew many years ago. These cards are unwanted. One of the latest deaths was from Covid 19 and S posted along with the card, a couple of articles from the Daily Mail. This really angered my friend. 

What can we do to prevent this unwanted upset again?

I think if you want something doing, then do it. Don't sit back waiting for 'someone' to do it.

You can't stop someone grieving in their own way (as strange as she sounds), and people do, even for those they knew long ago

T.T.D

74jax said:

T.T.D said:

You personally have not been contacted by her. 

It would be down to the individual to whom is offended and for police to look into their claims.

What would I do in this case? I would certainly be looking at Facebook friends list where you are all friends together with same person of whom you all don’t know or seen to be inconspicuous, looking for someone who never or rarely posts but is liking and or sharing yours and friendship group posts and removing old accounts of people whom you know have new or regularly use another account. 

You know what this person is like so ignoring them and trying to cut them socially would be the best advise.

For an unwanted sympathy card..... 

It would depend upon the contents and context of the message, if it were unwanted unwarranted and offensive in it’s entirety  it would be down to the person who it was sent to to take action. 

briskbeats

T.T.D said:

74jax said:

T.T.D said:

You personally have not been contacted by her. 

It would be down to the individual to whom is offended and for police to look into their claims.

What would I do in this case? I would certainly be looking at Facebook friends list where you are all friends together with same person of whom you all don’t know or seen to be inconspicuous, looking for someone who never or rarely posts but is liking and or sharing yours and friendship group posts and removing old accounts of people whom you know have new or regularly use another account. 

You know what this person is like so ignoring them and trying to cut them socially would be the best advise.

For an unwanted sympathy card..... 

It would depend upon the contents and context of the message, if it were unwanted unwarranted and offensive in it’s entirety  it would be down to the person who it was sent to to take action. 

It's easy for anyone to say it would be down to the receiver to take action and to say her card is unwanted etc. The friends that have received cards from S when they are grieving, haven't got the substance to explain to S that her card and message (maybe with a newspaper clipping or two) are insensitive, Then weeks later, they find it too late to contact her.

Before the pandemic, S used to turn up to funerals unwanted too. 

elsien

Funerals held in a public place are open to anyone to attend, whether wanted or not. There’s very little that you can do about that unless you choose a private venue for the service. 

The malicious communications act is for situations where the person intends to cause distress. Depending on exactly what was said, this could very easily fall below that threshold. There’s a big difference between insensitive and malicious. 

T.T.D

briskbeats said:

T.T.D said:

74jax said:

T.T.D said:

You personally have not been contacted by her. 

It would be down to the individual to whom is offended and for police to look into their claims.

What would I do in this case? I would certainly be looking at Facebook friends list where you are all friends together with same person of whom you all don’t know or seen to be inconspicuous, looking for someone who never or rarely posts but is liking and or sharing yours and friendship group posts and removing old accounts of people whom you know have new or regularly use another account. 

You know what this person is like so ignoring them and trying to cut them socially would be the best advise.

For an unwanted sympathy card..... 

It would depend upon the contents and context of the message, if it were unwanted unwarranted and offensive in it’s entirety  it would be down to the person who it was sent to to take action. 

It's easy for anyone to say it would be down to the receiver to take action and to say her card is unwanted etc. The friends that have received cards from S when they are grieving, haven't got the substance to explain to S that her card and message (maybe with a newspaper clipping or two) are insensitive, Then weeks later, they find it too late to contact her.

Before the pandemic, S used to turn up to funerals unwanted too. 

But you also do not have the courage to tell her she’s being insensitive, you do not want her repercussions, you fear a very real threat of her retaliation do you not? 

You are offended on your colleagues behalf as they have no substance as you put it to do anything, but do not wish to be the spear of head of taking action and telling her of her insensitivities. 

  

elsien

T.T.D said:

briskbeats said:

T.T.D said:

74jax said:

T.T.D said:

You personally have not been contacted by her. 

It would be down to the individual to whom is offended and for police to look into their claims.

What would I do in this case? I would certainly be looking at Facebook friends list where you are all friends together with same person of whom you all don’t know or seen to be inconspicuous, looking for someone who never or rarely posts but is liking and or sharing yours and friendship group posts and removing old accounts of people whom you know have new or regularly use another account. 

You know what this person is like so ignoring them and trying to cut them socially would be the best advise.

For an unwanted sympathy card..... 

It would depend upon the contents and context of the message, if it were unwanted unwarranted and offensive in it’s entirety  it would be down to the person who it was sent to to take action. 

It's easy for anyone to say it would be down to the receiver to take action and to say her card is unwanted etc. The friends that have received cards from S when they are grieving, haven't got the substance to explain to S that her card and message (maybe with a newspaper clipping or two) are insensitive, Then weeks later, they find it too late to contact her.

Before the pandemic, S used to turn up to funerals unwanted too. 

But you also do not have the courage to tell her she’s being insensitive, you do not want her repercussions, you fear a very real threat of her retaliation do you not? 

You are offended on your colleagues behalf as they have no substance as you put it to do anything, but do not wish to be the spear of head of taking action and telling her of her insensitivities. 

  

Now that bit about fearing a threat of retaliation really is putting words in the OPs mouth. 

Some people are just polite, avoid disputes, and hate having to say something the other person probably  won’t like. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.