Lending money to sibling

calleyw

boldaslove said:

calleyw said:

Not sure why you felt the need to drag your partner in to it. Even if was to deflect to give you time to make a decision.  

Because I respect my partners’ opinion and we’re also about to buy a house together so we need to be aware of any major financial commitments the other has. If I had decided to lend this money to my sibling it would alter the plans my partner and I had discussed about our future finances. I understand where you’re coming from with that statement but there’s no way I’d keep this from them.

Its not something I would discuss with my partner as the answer would be have been NO from the start as I would never lend money to a sibling in the sums you are talking about. I would mention it to my partner and that my answer was no.   As I would never screw myself and my partner's future over in that manner.  Your sibling will see it as shifting the blame from you and makes your partner the bad guy in their eyes.

They are better off then you and they think it's acceptable to come with a begging bowl to you when you have a ill partner.  To me speaks volumes about your sibling.

Put you and your partners needs 1st. Lets hope that you stand fast and say no.   If not there will be a post at some stage with the title of "I lent my sibling money and they wont pay me back"

I wish your partner a quick recovery and both of you all the best in the future no matter what you choose to do.

Yours

Calley

elsien

boldaslove said:

elsien said:

A mortgage is a loan. I presume his name is on the mortgage - how does that fit in with the terms of his contract?

Someone who is in senior finance may have queries raised if they are taking out loans because they are in debt and can't manage their finances, in the same way that bankruptcy etc rules you out of some jobs but (and am no expert) I can't envisage a contract giving a blanket ban.
However there is one easy way to check for sure  - ask to see the specific contract term.

I still wouldn't lend to them, but it might help your dad in his decision. 

We did a bit of digging and actually found the documentation for this and it is sort of true - they can take out loans etc but they have to be from providers that aren’t associated with the company my in-law works for and everything has to be declared. Again, this is all boiling down to a conversation being needed between them! My in-law is highly successful in their field, they will KNOW very quickly if something is amiss financially and if we’re all in on it they would quite rightly be upset with us all.

calleyw said:

Not sure why you felt the need to drag your partner in to it. Even if was to deflect to give you time to make a decision.  

Because I respect my partners’ opinion and we’re also about to buy a house together so we need to be aware of any major financial commitments the other has. If I had decided to lend this money to my sibling it would alter the plans my partner and I had discussed about our future finances. I understand where you’re coming from with that statement but there’s no way I’d keep this from them.

Or looking at it the other way round, the partner can take out a loan if they follow the correct processes. So if he’s on a good income and the work is so desperate then why does he not just do that? 
It does feel very much as if your sibling is looking for any excuse to hide this from the partner and that really doesn’t bode well for the future of either their relationship or your repayments as your sibling appears to be giving you some misleading information. So if she’s telling porkies about that, what else is she twisting in the telling? 

Retireinten

Have you thought OP that your sibling is trying to hide other behaviour by asking for a bail out? I know people make mistakes but most of us would not calculate our savings incorrectly by £13k.  Not unless £13k was a drop in the ocean compared to our total savings pot. Or its invested (unusual for savings needed short term) and the markets have fallen (which they haven't).  One genuine reason for this shortfall could be a miscalculation or overspend on renovation costs which has impacted his savings... but that is something he should be able to talk to his partner about. So why isn't he? Something doesn't add up. 


I don't want to put ideas in anyones head here but could your sibling be a compulsive spender or gambler and admitting this shortfall will uncover other issues. 


Either way, he needs to come clean with his partner and sort his own mess out. You won't be helping him long term by bailing him out.  And you can't afford to lose the cash - because he won't be  paying you back anytime soon, if he bothers at all. 


His attitude towards your circumstances is very telling as far as I'm concerned.  He sounds consumed by his own situation and completely disinterested in yours. So why would he feel any need you pay you back? His focus is on covering his backside and any change in behaviour, including paying his sibling back, will be noticed and he won't want that will he!

sheramber

It sounds a toxic marriage for everybody.

If refusing to lend the money leads to divorce you may be doing your sibling a favour.

Sheriff_Rosco

Only lend money if you can afford to lose it

Kim_kim

Whats with the Waitrose bashing!
They price match with Tesco you know! 

It’s hardly fortumns or Harrods! 

MrsStepford

Kim_kim said:

Whats with the Waitrose bashing!
They price match with Tesco you know! 

It’s hardly fortumns or Harrods! 

I got some jam in Fortnums for my mother, 50p per jar in clearance !

AntoMac

Very rude of him to ask for a loan IMO,
I would never ask my sister for a loan and she would never ask me.
If they can’t get a loan commercially that says a lot about how likely you’d get your money back

DairyQueen

Don't do it! Just... don't.

Large, sibling loans have created nothing but acrimony and estrangement in my extended family.

Even if the loan went smoothly, and even if you weren't disadvantaged by the loan, your family dynamic will change. There is nothing like obligation to cause a sibling to feel resentful. Makes no sense, but I've seen it on more than one occasion.

There are very strict criteria that I would test before handing money to a family member:

1) The need is desperate and not the fault of the donee
2) I could afford to absorb the 'loss' without any detriment to self or spouse
3) It would be a gift
4) It would be a one-off. The family member would be informed never to ask again.

Even then, I know it would change the relationship, and not in a good way.

Anyone considering asking a sibling for a loan. Don't do it. Your are putting your sibling in an impossible situation.

boldaslove

Hi everyone,

Thanks again for your comments and advice. This stressed me out so much I stepped away from it for a while but relieved to report that I didn’t lend any money to them. My dad did - it’s his decision, I expressed my concerns and reasons why I wasn’t comfortable doing it and left it at that. I’ve not managed to have a proper conversation with my sibling since and frankly, this may not be the healthiest approach, I’m happy to forget it ever happened as I have more than enough on my plate at the moment.

FYI- I’m a fan of Waitrose too, no bashing from me there! It was just to illustrate the difference in our lifestyles. 

On the compulsive spending front - my sibling is, or at least was, a compulsive spender and their spouse openly complained about them buying expensive things in front of us when we visited. So yes I do think there’s a problem there.

There are a few people taking issue with the fact I said I’d speak with my partner - can I just state for the record that this really wasn’t a problem   they were super supportive and also they were concerned about my sibling too! We get on very well with each other’s families so we want to know and help if there’s something wrong. If the roles were reversed I’d want them to discuss it with me too.