Is my heart ruling over my head? 14 April 2021 at 4:07PM in Marriage, relationships & families 40 replies 4.6K views

maman

Thanks for the explanation. That's really minimal disruption for the children. I'm sure they'll find the occasional early start an adventure. 😉

I think your partner really should start to offer you the support you've been giving her all these years. How else are you supposed to establish a secure, promising career for yourself if you just do fill in jobs around her? Women have been complaining about just this for years. 

I think you'll just have to tell her that you'd welcome her support but this is something you really want to do. I'm sure she's tearful because of her worries (which you've probably done all you can to alleviate) I really hope it's not frustration at not getting her own way. 

Savvy_Sue

You might find it helpful to have some relationship counselling / coaching, to have someone neutral to help you both express fears and worries. Relate, for example, isn't limited to married couples. 

warwick2001

I think communication is king here, and the sooner you sit down, and keep emotions out of it, the better. You need to have a logical discussion about exactly how your lives will work if you become a copper, and how could the inevitable changes be addressed and mitigated for. I appreciate you get upset when your partner gets upset, but by ending the conversations early to avoid any more discomfort is doing the whole situation a massive disservice, as nothing is getting resolved.

I suspect your partner is quite happy with the current situation, and doesn't want it to change. And whilst this is slightly self-serving, it's totally understandable. You have had numerous job roles in the past 5 years, she has been consistent in hers (I think you said she has been in post for 11 years with the same company?). So, she is the 'rock' in employment terms, and you're not. Obviously this is a short term viewpoint, but like I said, totally understandable. Most people don't like massive change, especially in todays society where there is huge uncertainty in all aspects of life. It might be that she would be happy for you to go down the copper route, but maybe in a more secure time i.e. in a few years time. However, as you don't appear to be able to communicate and resolve things together (in regards this, I have no idea about any other aspects of your relationship), you aren't having those honest conversations you both need to have.

You appear to be looking at the long term goals this new career will bring, and your partner the short term realities. There will be a solution that will work for you both, you just need to discuss it proper, and find the answer.

Good luck, being a copper is a hugely rewarding career/way of life. 

chelseablue

Don't have any advice really but following as I am currently in the recruitment process to be a Police Officer, passed the assessments and competency interview and awaiting a date for the face to face (well video) interview. 

I'm 37, female and married with a 6 year old son. 
The only thing that I need to work out is what childcare we could use to be in the house for the shifts I'm on nights as my husband needs to leave for work at 6:30am and if night shifts don't finish until 7am for example we would need to arrange something. 

Not sure if babysitters that dont mind starting at 6am is even a thing

Of course could be worrying about childcare and not get in anyway 

pickledonionspaceraider

TonyJ2021 said:

 I'd never tell her what to do and would always support her with decisions.

But she doesn't afford you the same respect does she?!

From the outside looking in, it appears you are walking on eggshells around a woman who uses childish emotional blackmail to get what she wants.  She is already using tears, tantrums and making emotional comments to your kids, all designed to let the guilt set in for you..and you are wavering

Her career is not more important than yours!  You have an amazing opportunity here to do something for yourself AND your family. To build a future and do something that you want to do. You do not need her permission!!

I predict you will bend to her will (and use the child guilt as a reason - which is not a reason, its an excuse btw - big difference) and then ten years down the line you will resent your partner - but she will have had everything her own way

Wake up and smell the coffee.  Kids are resilient, childcare is able to be sorted.  Yes it is a pain, but childcare issues are short term in order to get a life time career

Sorry if this all sounds really harsh, but honestly I feel that everything you type are excuses and trying to talk  yourself out of a fantastic opportunity, whilst trying on the surface of it insinuate it is your decision - but it wont be, you will be dancing to your puppet master.

Once again, apologies if it sounds horrendous what I type.  It is not my usual posting style, but I feel you need a shake up, sir!

Retireinten

If MIL is happy to do the occasional early morning then you don't have a childcare issue.  You just need to sort out the logistics of getting them there. They'll be fine, kids really do adjust quickly. 


I suspect your partner is not looking forward to not having you around evenings and weekends and I'm not sure what you can do make that more appealing...


All you can do is make sure you pull your weight at home and with the kids outside of your shifts. Is there any benefits maybe to shift work, say around school holidays for instance? 

Spendless

Hi. my youngest recently turned 18 and from the day she was born my husband's job changed .. This was really without warning, the job suddenly demanded more time due to re-structuring and the only other person who worked in husband's department had a baby the same day, but hours earlier so had already gone off before daughter was born (the babies were due weeks apart so we hadn't planned for that).
Then husband changed jobs 9 months later and again the job developed to working away, overnight and sometimes abroad. This happens to this day and is so different to the first 3 years of our eldest's ones life when husband was home at a set time every day and I  was able to have a part time evening job which fetched a second income to the house. So I can see a lot of where your wife is coming from. It's been me who has had to be the 'hands-on' parent through-out the kids childhoods and at times has been physically and mentally exhausting and continued right through the teenage years when daughter became ill (MH) aged 15 . 


 It also affected my ability to find jobs when kids were younger, as I could only take ones where official childcare ran. I know you currently have  mother in law. Where's your contingency plan if she's ever ill or can no longer continue?  I'm not sure what the objection is to finding approved childcare considering you should both earn enough to pay for it, but is it available? Where I live you can't find childcare outside of 7.30-6pm Mon to Friday and that's only up age 11/Secondary school age. I would say that you both need to be on the same page regarding this otherwise a lot of resentment can kick in which can affect your relationship. My husband certainly gained big pay rises and promotions but I was always aware that he could only do this because I was available 24/7 and he could not have afforded any paid childcare that covered this. Being able to afford a 'better' holiday can be little compensation if you've spent the previous 50 weeks having to do the lion's share of parenting and household duties.

Examine what some options are available to you where there's an 'issue' if/when you take the job. Does MIL live nearby for example. Is either of your houses big enough that she and Niece stay over or your wife and kids sleep at hers when you do night shift? Then there's no getting the kids up and out early to get them there. If MIL doesn't live nearby then is moving closer to her an option.? I've read this thread in fits and starts so can't remember how old the kids all are, but assuming they're all under 5, have you thought on the next few years to their schooldays. Considering MIL is Niece's guardian you might need to think this through too so she is able to continue to logistically help out.

TonyJ2021

Following a long week of difficult conversations with friends, family and colleagues, I have since decided to resign, before my journey as a Police Officer even began. On reflection, I totally can see I was the one who made the mistake of not properly talking about applying before I actually did and that was extremely disrespectful to my partner.

Having said that, do I honestly believe I would have got as far as I did, if we had have spoken about me becoming a PO? IMO I don't think so and I would have probably been talked out of it. Do I think we would have 'made' it work? My glass will always remain half full on that one - but perhaps the time off being injured has perhaps added a new perspective to everything, given how much our household has changed since I first applied in 2019 - another child, partners job relocating and of course my injury!

I can now see a lot of my decision making was being lead with my heart, as per the title, although I know my heart will always be broken at the missed opportunity. Something I've always wanted to do, but truth be told, in my mid-20's I'd forgotten about the idea and only when I started working for the Constabulary did I reignite my passion, and again, in my heart thought - I can still do this, right? It is somewhat a hollow feeling knowing that I got as far as I did, but then withdrawing before I got the opportunity to even give it a go - but I will always accept, sometimes in life, things just aren't meant to be.

Whilst it certainly doesn't feel like it now, having only resigned a number of hours ago, I will remain optimistic that in 10 years time I made the right decision - and who knows, I could always re-apply later down the line! 

Applications are going in left, right and centre for civilian posts and I'll also be signing up for the Specials, so hopefully these will scratch the itch, so to speak.

If anything, the positive to come out of all this, is that I think both me and my partner have started to communicated better about difficult topics in our household, rather than diving right in and assuming all will be ok. I think during the whole application process, there are times we could have both behaved better, but when emotions are high it can be difficult to think logically.

Thanks to everybody who shared their thoughts and opinions.

maman

Thanks for getting back to us. You've made the decision that pleased your partner and hopefully that will make you both happy. It's fortunate that that civilian posts are still available to you and if you do sign up as a Special then you'll be getting a feel for what you could have been. The door's still open and you'll have a strong CV if she'll support you in the future. I hope your partner appreciates what you've done. 

gettingtheresometime

Whilst it's obviously a decision you & your partner have come to jointly, it's a pity that you never gave it a chance to see if it could fly.