Is my heart ruling over my head? 14 April 2021 at 4:07PM in Marriage, relationships & families 40 replies 4.6K views

[Deleted User]

@TonyJ2021, that's a shame you and your partner couldn't make your dream of becoming a police officer work, well at least for now.  The emotional blackmail from your partner was totally uncalled for and I hope going forward you learn to effectively communicate with one another and that you don't capitulate for what you think is an easy life but really means missing out on opportunities. 

I queried the number of jobs you've had in a short space of time as did @warwick2001 but you've never answered.  Now there could be a perfectly legitimate reason for it but I did wonder if you're a bit like my brother, always flip flopping from one thing to another, his current dream is to become a dog groomer.  It's difficult for us to get excited about his career ambitions because he never sticks to anything so I wondered if you were similar. 

HampshireH

What a shame. I'm quite sad to read your update as had hoped you would follow your apparent dream and see compromise in the relationship 

Good luck with it. If you have the "itch" I can imagine a repeat performance if you join the specials as it just won't be enough if it's a genuine dream. 

I think your wife is probably ecstatic that she hasnt had to compromise at all her and she has broken you down to accept defeat. Just make sure it doesn't become a regular thing.

On the flip side could you imagine holding her back from her dreams.....

wannabe_a_saver

Its never too late, a few more years in a civilian police post and some good experience as a special will mean that when the children are a bit older you will have a very high chance of being accepted again and you will be even more certain if its what you want after some practical experience on the front lines alongside the officers. 

I'm not sure why you've had to resign from your current job, but I'm sure that's just because I can't remember all the details!

HampshireH

wannabe_a_saver said:

Its never too late, a few more years in a civilian police post and some good experience as a special will mean that when the children are a bit older you will have a very high chance of being accepted again and you will be even more certain if its what you want after some practical experience on the front lines alongside the officers. 

I'm not sure why you've had to resign from your current job, but I'm sure that's just because I can't remember all the details!

Their job was in the police but in training.

They were moved back into a civilian role whilst injured I think, so not actually their job anymore.

That's how I read it. Could have got that wrong.

maman

TonyJ2021 said:

In answer to the question behind the reason for my job changes was I was forced to change jobs back in 2015, due to my current job in a different sector coming to an end with it being a fixed-term funded post. I then did a couple of jobs in between joining the Police, which wasn’t really me but had to pay the bills. Then I got my foot in the door with the Police and this is where we are today.

OP explained his job changes.

katkatmachine

Such a shame and so unfair. You have a very selfish partner. I would never hold back my partner from achieving her dreams. Marriage is all about compromise after all. 

sassyblue

katkatmachine said:

Such a shame and so unfair. You have a very selfish partner. I would never hold back my partner from achieving her dreams. Marriage is all about compromise after all. 

I thoroughly agree and it’s dreadful that OP seems to think the worst bit was applying for the job without discussing it first.

The worst bit imho was his wife's comments to the children let alone her gaslighting. I could never stop someone from achieving their dreams, it’s so wrong.  

pickledonionspaceraider

TonyJ2021 said:

 On reflection, I totally can see I was the one who made the mistake of not properly talking about applying before I actually did and that was extremely disrespectful to my partner.

Oh my god, you have been totally beat down in to actually believing this?!!?


You  probably didn't tell her cos subconsciously you know she would spit her dummy at you wanting to pursue your dreams.  How much of a surprise could it have been, when you two are in a relationship, presumably discussing hopes, and dreams for the future

Now it has been twisted round in to YOU being in the wrong.  

Your partner manipulated you at every turn here - to get what she wanted. It worries me that you have totally swallowed this rubbish

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Honestly I am disgusted that a human who claims to love another, would rip their dreams away.  People do not do that to people they love - they support and help NURTURE their dreams, even if creates some problems - you work with your loved one to overcome the obstacles to their dream NOT use any manipulative  means necessary, tears tantrums and emotional manipulation from your kids via her

Your partner sounds toxic. 

74jax

pickledonionspaceraider said:

TonyJ2021 said:

 On reflection, I totally can see I was the one who made the mistake of not properly talking about applying before I actually did and that was extremely disrespectful to my partner.

Oh my god, you have been totally beat down in to actually believing this?!!?


You  probably didn't tell her cos subconsciously you know she would spit her dummy at you wanting to pursue your dreams.  How much of a surprise could it have been, when you two are in a relationship, presumably discussing hopes, and dreams for the future

Now it has been twisted round in to YOU being in the wrong.  

Your partner manipulated you at every turn here - to get what she wanted. It worries me that you have totally swallowed this rubbish

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Honestly I am disgusted that a human who claims to love another, would rip their dreams away.  People do not do that to people they love - they support and help NURTURE their dreams, even if creates some problems - you work with your loved one to overcome the obstacles to their dream NOT use any manipulative  means necessary, tears tantrums and emotional manipulation from your kids via her

Your partner sounds toxic. 

I wanted to post pretty much what you have but thought maybe it was only me who saw it this way.

It's really very sad that this is the relationship, and the 1 life that the op gets.

It's not a dress rehearsal.... 

wannabe_a_saver

I think people are being a bit harsh to the wife here.  Its no picnic being the one left holding the baby (and toddler) while their other parent pursues something that takes them away from a lot of the day to day hard work of it.  The OP is an equal parent and is taking that seriously and not just assuming his wife will always pick up the slack and do the lion's share, and I for one applaud him for that attitude. 

Children aren't tiny forever, he's going to join the specials now, get some experience and apply again in a few years when it makes more sense for the whole family, what is so terrible about that?  After all loads of women have to wait till the kids are older before pursuing their careers!