Is my heart ruling over my head?
TonyJ2021
Forumite 
My work choices are having an impact on my relationship and I have really exhausted my thinking…Not sure if this type of post is welcome here and apologies for the length of it.
Back in 2019, I applied to become a Police Officer, which is something I had always wanted to do. At the age of 27, I started working as a civilian staff member in 2016 in my local force. I hadn’t intentions of applying as an Officer, due to the expected arrival of our first child, but at the time of joining, the force had been going through a large recruitment scheme for Police Officer's and I continually thought to myself "should or shouldn't I". After 3 years of watching colleagues and friends sign up, I decided to take the plunge and applied.
When I told my partner I had applied, it came to her as a bit of a surprise. To be honest, it was a spur of the moment thing when I had a couple hours spare at work that I decided to fill in the application form. But this was also off the back of some 'general' conversations we'd had about Police Officers, to which a couple of times I interpreted what she was saying as that I should do it. I regret not being up front about considering to apply before, which she rightly brings up a lot of the time when discussing.
I received confirmation my initial application had been successful and that is when conversations at home start to get more difficult and emotional between me and my partner. On the day of my assessments, I was not even dressed 15 minutes before leaving, as I knew how my partner felt about my application and was really caught in two minds, but decided to go ahead with it – and I was successful. The day of my 1-2-1 interview, I hadn't heard from her all day and then when lying in bed, having been told a few hours earlier I’d been successful at that stage also, we got into an emotional debate which ended up with me in the most emotional state I've been in as an adult.
I then passed the physical tests at the end of 2019, and subject to vetting, I was then awaiting a 'Start Date'. However, the day before, my partner told me she was pregnant with our second child, which was very much a surprise to us both. What came as a bigger surprise, was that when we went for our first scan, it was revealed she was in fact 27 weeks pregnant and due mid-March! Whilst the surprise was very pleasant, I knew this would have a knock-on effect with training, although I didn't know COVID would also have a bigger part to play…!
Our second child was born at the end of February and after informing the recruitment team about this, the intention was still to start my training in April / May time. To add to things, in mid-April, my partner was told that her place of work would be closing down and that she would have to apply for a similar position at a different site, but this was an additional 30-minute drive away. She did so and got the job, going back earlier off maternity than planned for a few days a week, to get to grips with her new surroundings.
Due to COVID I eventually started my training in July 2020 and everything seemed to going be ok both at work and home, although again, prior to joining we did have some emotional conversations again. Sadly, towards the end of my training in September, I suffered a knee injury which lead to me being withdrawn from the course until fit again. I have since spent the last 7 months working in my old civilian team, working from home. This has not been ideal as it has really got me thinking about whether this job is right for me anymore or more importantly, my family?
Through the process, my partners concerns have been around shift work and the impact on the children. I knew when applying the job would be incredibly unsocial at times, but felt for a bit of ‘short term pain’ there would be some ‘long term gain’, especially financially with the pay and pension structure, but also after probation period, better opportunities open up for roles that are slightly more family friendly – although not always guaranteed straight away, I admit.
I am due to restart training again (from the beginning), but the past 7 months have left me feeling doubtful that I'm making the wrong decision and that in fact, I would have been better off staying in my old job, which was a great job to be honest.
It’s make me think:
Should I have re-considered when my partner was forced to change her jobs, thus making getting our children to childcare less feasible? I.e – having to get them in a car on some mornings by 5:45am…? Is that really fair, even for a couple of years?
Again, was the unexpected arrival of our second child a sign that I should be putting my family first and perhaps the job of a Police Officer wasn’t meant to be? Having been at home with two young children, especially when both have been poorly or up in the night, it’s made me think “my partner will have to do this on her own”?
Was I blinded by envy / jealousy of my colleagues and friends joining up, all whom have no dependents?
50% of me is screaming – you’ve got to at least try.
50% of me is saying – don’t do it.
Everybody I speak to is encouraging me to carry on doing so but I think that’s because they know me personally and haven’t necessarily had my partners viewpoint, just mine. It's what I always wanted to do but I know it’s more important to make sacrifices for our children. Since 2015, I have held 4 different jobs and everybody seemed so proud I was joining as a Police Officer, especially my parents who already have a picture of me in my uniform framed. So I feel that stepping away would also leave me embarrassed that I didn’t pursue with it. But walking away feels like an option that would take a big weight off my shoulders…
So as the title says, have I let my heart in always wanting to become a Police Officer, rule my head in what I should be doing for the wider benefit of my family?
Replies
Lewis Carroll
Don't beat yourself up, you couldn't predict a global pandemic, unexpected arrival and injury. Forget about the embarressment, happiness is much more important.
There are other ways round things, is it possible to get someone to come to the house to take care of the children?
Some places have different types of shifts for people in different circumstances, is that possible?
Could you postpone for a few years until the children are older?
Try and take the emotion out of it. What exactly are the problems, what are the possible solutions. What do you feel about those solutions and are they feasible? What does your partner think about them, what do they cost...you get the idea.
It's not impossible, but you need to work out if its right for you.
Is she happy in her job?
My son is a police officer and at his passing out parade, the Chief Constable made the comment that it wasn't only the Officers that made sacrifices but it was their families as well and it wasn't until he started properly did I know what he meant.
The Officers on response work, quite frankly, such antisocial hours that it's a wonder that any relationship survives - in fact I'm sure that's why some of his didn't. However he's come off response now, works far more social hours and is in a great relationship. You have to remember that whilst the work pattern is weird, you get 4 days off in a stretch so that might help with the childcare/housework.
Only you and your partner can decide this one but will you always wonder what if, if you don't at least attempt to make it work?
YEs, shift work will mean that there are times that your partner is dealing with sick kids or other child care responsibilities on her own, or where you have to work antisocial house or days, so may not be there on Christmas or things like that. However, there will also be times when you are off duty during 'normal' working hours so may be able to do more child care / school runs on those dates - you might find that it means there are times when you can be with the kids for longer periods, be more involved with their pre-and post school / nursery care.
the very early starts might be something to look at - for instance - how often would your and her hours clash so that the children had to be in a car at 5.45? s this the time your partner has to leave for work?
Would there be other options (e.g. children staying over with grandparents on those nights and G/Ps taking them to a child minder at a 'normal' time / considering looking for an au pair short term (if you have space) which might be a cost effective way of providing care in your own home part of the time, even pooling together with another family to share a nanny)
What does your partner do? Are there likely to be any options for her to find similar work a bit closer to home in the short to medium term? Or alternatively, would it be feasible for you to look at moving closer to her job (or her family, if they are supportive) so that she wasn't being expected to bear the brunt of he extra issues with child care etc caused by your wish to pursue a new career.
Have the two of you considered talking to Relate of a similar organization which might be able to help you discuss your different views and see if you can work out a solution? It does sound as though you made a big decision which affects you both, in significant ways, without discussing it with her first - in a relationship that 's quite a big red flag, so it may be worth sending some time looking seriously at how you normally make decisions as a couple, and how to deal with any differences of opinion, and see if there are patterns or thing that you can both do to work better together.
Gas-lighting and/or Plausible deniability.
It was talked about, her feigning ignorance is part of putting you on the back-foot and making you feel guilty for wanting something for yourself out of this life - the only life you get.
So, 6 months of not knowing she was pregnant. 6 periods came as usual, and the child survived?
Unlikely, unless she's a 'larger lady' or has medical issues:
In the modern day, women get pregnant when they chose to do so.
Multiple reliable methods of birth control (for women) are available, and they all work well when used correctly (when used at all).
The arrival was unexpected only to you.
On another note, you didn't close down your partner's place of work, she's making a choice to drive 30 minutes further.
If it was important to her she could get work closer to home/be better for the childcare.
So; an emotionally manipulative partner, a second child that wasn't discussed with you, and oodles of guilt over not putting your partner's needs above your own dreams (with guilt over the children being added too for good measure).
You've set yourself up as the main bread-winner, as has your partner by getting pregnant.
Your job is the one that will pay the majority of the bills, for the foreseeable future.
Even if you choose to ignore all my scepticism above,
the Childcare 'problem' is a short term issue.
In the long term you'll have a satisfying career in something you've always wanted to do, that doesn't pay too badly.
Which is to the benefit of your partner and your children.
Why the hell isn't she on-board and supporting you with all her might?
As I said: a different perspective.
If you have a couple of good male friends, speak to them.
Unlikely, unless she's a 'larger lady' or has medical issues:
In the modern day, women get pregnant when they chose to do so.
Multiple reliable methods of birth control (for women) are available, and they all work well when used correctly (when used at all).
The arrival was unexpected only to you.
OP you haven’t given us any idea of why your partner doesn’t want you being a police officer. FWIW I think she’s being unreasonable, I’d be really proud of hubby if that’s what he wanted and I’d support him.
one thing I can tell you with certainty is that there’s never a right time with children, so don’t let your partner put it off for 'x' number of years, do it now and arrange childcare.
Happy moneysaving all.
As others have said, plenty of people run their lives around shift work. Many couples are 'ships that pass' with one working days and the other nights.
It might be a struggle for a few years while children are really young and need childcare but shiftwork might mean less childcare needed than two parents working 9-5.
With your head (rather than heart) I think being a police officer is a secure, well paid job. That's good thinking for you and the family.