Divorce, slowly

Siebrie

Husband and I have done the math, and at the moment, cannot afford to separate We will continue to live in the same house until Christmas, at least. There are a few expenses coming up we need the money for:

- house and mortgage insurance for me and him (€1.000 total, payable end of September);

- electric bicycle for me (€1,200 - €180 (spending voucher/government financial covid lockdown recovery incentive) - €500 eco vouchers = €520 payable out of pocket. I get €940 biking-to-work premium annually, even during lockdown, so the bike is a profit maker);

- filling up our private pension plans for this year, €350 total.

- new-to-her bicycle for dd2 €75

- annual bus pass for dd1 €215 (she changed secondary schools and now has a bus commute instead of cycling to school)

We are still working on a plan to separate and eventually divorce, but we get along, we talk a lot; he seems more involved in our homelife, with his daughters; we do a running app as a family almost every night, he suggested a weekend in Paris (3hr car drive) for our family. We are respectful to eachother at the moment. From some comments he made, I think he's hitting some sort of midlife crisis (a 'there's more out there' sentiment).

london21

Wish you all the very best.
Good you had the difficult communication with your ex husband.
Depending on the west africa country he is from, the legal system overseas aren't always the best for example Nigeria's legal system I do not trust.
prioritize yourself and your daughters.
Sending you hugs and ease.

Siebrie

@london21 I have complete faith in his country's legal system being completely corrupt.... He would be able to obtain birth certificates and passports for our dds within a month, without even sending in passport photos or other official docs. That's why I'm still aiming for 100% custody, with him having visiting rights; just to put as large a barrier as possible before him absonding with dds. Right now, he wouldn't (he loves them, and told me I was a good mother), but he is pushing for a family vacation to West Africa, preferably his homecountry. I agree on taking dds to West Africa (but will wait until after the divorce), to have a smell/sight/feel of that type of country, but am pushing to a different country, one with more interesting things for European tourists, where dds and I are safe to walk through a city for sightseeing.

Dds don't have much knowledge about that side of their background, as husband never really took it upon himself to teach them, or understood which differences he could teach them about, but people expect them to know just based on their looks; it will be better for them to have seen what other people refer to. What dds know about his background is what I have taught them through library books, travel guides, dinner table stories I started, and films/documentaries.

london21

Siebrie said:

@london21 I have complete faith in his is country's legal system being completely corrupt.... He would be able to obtain birth certificates and passports for our dds within a month, without even sending in passport photos or other official docs. That's why I'm still aiming for 100% custody, with him having visiting rights; just to put as large a barrier as possible before him absonding with dds. Right now, he wouldn't (he loves them, and told me I was a good mother), but he is pushing for a family vacation to West Africa, preferably his homecountry. I agree on taking dds to West Africa (but will wait until after the divorce), to have a smell/sight/feel of that type of country, but am pushing to a different country, one with more interesting things for European tourists, where dds and I are safe to walk through a city for sightseeing.

Dds don't have much knowledge about that side of their background, as husband never really took it upon himself to teach them, or understood which differences he could teach them about, but people expect them to know just based on their looks; it will be better for them to have seen what other people refer to. What dds know about his background is what I have taught them through library books, travel guides, dinner table stories I started, and films/documentaries.

I understand your concerns. My home country Nigeria is not the safest at present. But if I was to visit will be the island like Lekki, Ikoyi etc no where remote.

if your daughters are to visit just ensure you are with them always.

YouTube also good with information on culture etc to explore a little before visiting west Africa. 

You are doing the best you can. 

Siebrie

So... I have contacted the Architect again, and have discussed having a cheaper renovation. They have the option of 'making the house ready for sale', which is basic renovations, bringing things up to code, etc., without installing a kitchen, laying laminate flooring, etc. The original Architect has left the company, but her Trainee is still there, and a new Architect will take on our renovation. We need to lower the costs, so whichever partner is staying in the house, will be able to afford it on 1 income.

The 'neighbours' (3 sons of our deceased neighbour) have apparently decided they would possibly be willing to sell our common wall to us; we heard this through the grapevine, so will need to investigate and try to put in an offer. The house will sell better if we can proof the wall is ours!

I may have to amend the title to 'divorce, VERY slowly'.

Siebrie

Divorce, ….. extremely ….. slowly.

I just found this thread again, and wish I had been more energetic and forceful in 2021! I'm still married….. no end of promises of improvement, of following the budget, of agreeing to do better in the household. I've taken the step to calling myself a (financially) abused woman, I fully take the blame of not continuing the divorce way back when, so I don't really feel a victim, but I do feel taken very much advantage of. Apparently, it takes an abused woman an average of seven times to finally leave the abuser, and I'm definitely counting every single year toward that.

Perimenopause may have played a role; I'm on HRT now and doing much better. I've had a blood test this summer and it shows severe depletion of several essential minerals, which may also play a role in lethargy and indecisiveness.

My dds (18 and 15) know (accidentally) and are completely behind me, which does me a world of good.

I've talked to a Notary twice now, and have a clear picture of steps to take, and of how to go about it. I hope to resolve this peacefully through a Notary; if not, we have to get lawyers and court dates and such. I have collected evidence of his adultery and will use it to push him into keeping it civil and simple. Officially, adultery is not a reason for divorce, but a judge tends grant a divorce much faster and much more in favour of the faithful spouse in case of adultery.

Eldest dd helps me sleuth, and jokingly confiscated husband's telephone, went to her room, and took pictures of every suspicious thing on it. We found a wedding-like picture of him (his very recognisabel hand) with a lady! It's just a picture of hands holding, but in the background she's wearing puffy white, and the focus in on the gleaming diamond ring she's wearing. That's a ring I paid for, because as far as I'm aware the mistress is a Receptionist, so my husband will have bought her the ring from our family budget!

I'm changing all accounts related to the house and the household to my email address (I never realised how many there are!). Husband works in IT and can do a lot of IT damage in 5 minutes, so I'm securing everything I can.

I've started several secret savings accounts, and am saving in cash, the amounts I think are mine within the marriage: my severance pay, a loan my parents forgave us, the discounts my parents gave us when we bought their old car (twice). I'm nearly there.

I've talked to the bank where we have our mortgage, and I can take it on by myself. My plan is that the house in Belgium will be transferred to my name, and that the 4 or 5 pieces of land in his home country, and the house on 1 piece, and the apartment block (under construction) on another will be his. Those properties are of no use to me.

I'm writing a power of attorney from him to me to change the beneficiaries on all his pension plans and insurances to my dds after the divorce. I've done a few already in 2021, but others will not be available to change until after the divorce. He may promise to do so, but never will. I'm currently going through our unarchived paperwork to find policies and such.

An organisation I'm a member of offers free social/legal advice, so I had a chat with one of their lawyers, and they will calculate the child benefit in an official way. It took me a week to gather the needed documents to back up my claim and send it off to them.

I have a document on my work laptop where I'm listing all our possessions and deciding value and whether I would like to keep it. The dds have already decided they want to live with me 100%.

I'm just really relieved that I'm actually taking steps and moving forward, instead of this floating in an unhappy situation.

daisy_1571

Well that sounds very comprehensive, very time consuming and also very tiring.

I'm so glad your daughters are on board and able to help. It will be in everyone's interests to keep it civil and just get it done as cheaply as possible then you can both go on your way. I really hope that when you decide the time is right to put all the facts, the evidence and the 2 possible potential avenues open to him - 1 do it sensible, fair, civil and quick and you get this, I get this or 2 we go through courts, it gets messy and we both have to pay thousands for it to end up with pretty much the same outcome- that he sees the sense of it.

Well done sorting so much out quietly in the background. Remember, he's been doing this for years so you are only safeguarding whats yours, potentially he's also taken what's his plus a fair bit of whats also yours so stay strong

Dxx

Siebrie

I recently realised that my Mum, who is 90, owns a house that is currently worth about €500,000. We have laughingly discussed this, because its value has gone up without her doing anything, it's just in a favourable location.

My Mum has recently had some health scares, but is still very social and out-and-about, her brains are working perfectly.

I suddenly thought: 'what if he is waiting until she passes? and €250,000 minus taxes come my way?' I need to hurry up organising everything!

Legally, it will be outside of the marriage possessions, but I'm pretty sure he will exert undue pressure.

daisy_1571

Definitely something to bear in mind. I think you have the bargaining chips if he tries to delay but if you think this is possible might be worth thinking of your strategy to counteract? Prior to discussing with him I mean.

And obviously without mentioning it in case he wasn't thinking it lol