Divorce, slowly

Siebrie

Our prepaid credit card has gone missing, a few weeks ago. I found a receipt in his car that states that he paid something with it in a gas station on the way to where she lives, last week, so he knows where it is, but it's not in the car nor in his wallet. My guess is that he gave it to her and fills it from one of his other credit cards.

This morning we had a discussion about the 'missing' card; I asked him to close the account, seeing we don't use the card and we have to pay €15/year. It was supposed to be a trial account for dd1 and supposed to be free, but husband did not read the paperwork properly. He refused to close it, said it was hís card, and told me not to worry about it; I told him I am very worried that I have no overview, and that he may send money from one of his other cards, and that I feel poor, and upset that I have no idea where our money is going. And after a minute, I told him I was disappointed he didn't offer to show me the credit cards' accounts. And when he kept quiet, I told him he still wasn't offering. And when I left to take dd2 to school I told him he still hadn't offered. Then, when I arrived at work, he called me and offered to print out the transactions of the credit card, and go through them with me. Why not just show me on the computer? I'm guessing he's going to remove lines.

He suggested we split our finances, just like his friends do with their partners (they all have financial troubles and constant discussions, we didn't have many discussions and were on the same page until a few months ago). As you see, I'm still coming to terms with everything and trying to find the rational way out.

The person I trust and asked advice from, has sent the advice, and it's sensible. Now I have to see how to implement it.

Savvy_Sue

This is exactly the kind of thing I was anticipating when you started to ask / challenge him about financial things: 

Siebrie said:

Our prepaid credit card has gone missing, a few weeks ago. I found a receipt in his car that states that he paid something with it in a gas station on the way to where she lives, last week, so he knows where it is, but it's not in the car nor in his wallet. My guess is that he gave it to her and fills it from one of his other credit cards.

This morning we had a discussion about the 'missing' card; I asked him to close the account, seeing we don't use the card and we have to pay €15/year. It was supposed to be a trial account for dd1 and supposed to be free, but husband did not read the paperwork properly. He refused to close it, said it was hís card, and told me not to worry about it; I told him I am very worried that I have no overview, and that he may send money from one of his other cards, and that I feel poor, and upset that I have no idea where our money is going. And after a minute, I told him I was disappointed he didn't offer to show me the credit cards' accounts. And when he kept quiet, I told him he still wasn't offering. And when I left to take dd2 to school I told him he still hadn't offered. Then, when I arrived at work, he called me and offered to print out the transactions of the credit card, and go through them with me. Why not just show me on the computer? I'm guessing he's going to remove lines.

I can't quite remember, you may have said, does he know you know about his mistress? Or are you still keeping that to yourself?

Siebrie said:

He suggested we split our finances, just like his friends do with their partners (they all have financial troubles and constant discussions, we didn't have many discussions and were on the same page until a few months ago). As you see, I'm still coming to terms with everything and trying to find the rational way out.

I'm sure splitting your finances would suit him very well indeed - but you're right to want information before you do that. However, I'm still not convinced that a long delay - of the kind you were outlining in your first post - while you gather that information will necessarily help you.

However, if you could persuade him to put a really decent amount into YOUR name, "for the children", that could be an excellent start ... You say he wants the best for them - that could be a way to test his commitment to that!

Siebrie said:

The person I trust and asked advice from, has sent the advice, and it's sensible. Now I have to see how to implement it.

Great, you need good advice, and you do need to understand divorce laws (and processes) wherever you decide to do this. 

tooldle

I've followed your posts on other threads over the years. You come across as sensible, organised and pragmatic. I've no experience of divorce myself. Taking your time to pull together all the paperwork and evidence is a very good start. Don't be rushed into anything. People do say it is only legal teams who benefit from divorce. That said, if you decide what your boundaries and thresholds are, and be fair as you can to all concerned, it shouldn't be anymore expensive than in needs to be. The cost rack up in many cases as those involved cannot agree. Everything has its value and that includes taking a smaller share at times, simply to see the back of someone. 
I hope everything works out well for you x

Savvy_Sue

tooldle said:

Everything has its value and that includes taking a smaller share at times, simply to see the back of someone. 

You've put this so well tooldle, I've been feeling my way towards this. Excellent summary all round.

Siebrie

I don't mind taking a financial hit, it's just that this hit will be larger than I'm comfortable with. I'm healthy, employed and resourceful; I'll manage. What I'm currently making + child benefits, is classed as 'normal' living according to Belgian statistics. I think this knowledge helps me stay rational.

The advice I was given is 'don't bother with Lawyers, find a reliable Notary. Your wedding regime (1 of 3 possibile ways of getting married here in Belgium) will already state how to divide all belongings'. The other advice was 'don't play the blame game, it will only hurt you'.

tooldle

Excellent advice there Siebrie. I spent a summer in Leuven a long time ago, and was mighty confused as to why couples were marrying in the town hall, wearing shorts and t-shirts. A colleague kindly explained the different systems. To have the division of assets set down as part of the marriage documentation is forward thinking. We in the UK could learn a lot from our European friends.

Siebrie

We had our money talk. We agreed on continuing to pool our money, but take out €200 each per month for private expenses including clothing and, for him, the financial support of his mother (diabetic medication and food money €50-€100/month). We can afford this, so I agreed. I know from the spreadsheets I kept earlier, that this is in fact no different from what we did before, we will just physically take it out at one point during the month.

I have also emphasised again that I am unhappy not knowing what he is doing; I don't need to be involved, I just want to be kept in the loop. That's a sign of a decent relationship in the Western world, right? In West-Africa, apparently, wives trust their husbands to deal with anything stressful and not bother their wives with it. He agreed to tell me more (as he did before).

We discussed the imbalance of our investments in his homecountry and here, and have agreed to up our savings here before we add to our investments there; when they reach a similar level, we will rediscuss. This should make any split simpler.....

Savvy_Sue

I wish you well. The advice you were given sounds excellent. However, do stay alert to the possibility of change: I get the impression that he has no inkling of your longer term plans, and no inkling that you know about his infidelity - actually I'd be wondering what was going on in West Africa, but clearly 'not much' since his last visit. 

He may be humouring you for now, thinking that this will be enough to keep you quiet, and may not respond well once he knows your intentions. THAT is the situation where I'd be willing to accept less to be free of him. 

Abbiedabbiedoo

Daughter has been separated for a few years, they both have their own houses and she wants a divorce (scotland) how much should it cost, both sides amicable. Cheapest way possible? Any suggestions please.  Thanks. 

elsien

Abbiedabbiedoo said:

Daughter has been separated for a few years, they both have their own houses and she wants a divorce (scotland) how much should it cost, both sides amicable. Cheapest way possible? Any suggestions please.  Thanks. 

@Abbiedabbiedoo, you would be better off starting your own thread about this - there's a new post button on the main page of the marriage/relationships sub forum. Gets confusing otherwise with it being unclear who is responding to who.