Divorce, slowly

BarbCh

@Siebrie
I agree that this is a complete rat's  nest and also as pointed out a UK forum, so advice wise, as we have different ways of divorce proceedings I'm not sure that you will get much help from our experiences. 

Your situation is very complicated due to the inter racial, cultural differences etc.

Like it has already been said here.... 
Which country did you marry in .... which countries laws affect what etc. 

I completely understand how you are trying to get your affairs in order before you seek a divorce.... but I  suspect he is filtering off finances and  assets for the same reason! 

I think you are doing what's necessary by gathering evidence etc. as you know your own circumstances and what is required regarding the laws of your respective countries.

I think that you are also dealing with and trying to counteract the underlying issues of deception.

It is understandable what you are doing but I think that to keep your head clear, you need to take legal advice from your own country and not to listen to anything else, as this could confuse you.

Im sure moral support from others going through a divorce will be helpful though.... take care x

Siebrie

Husband is going to his homecountry this summer; he goes every 3 years, so this is fine. I have managed to talk him from going in July (€1,500 return flight) to going in May (€700 return flight). DDs and I are NOT accompanying him.

We have visited the Architect for renovations to our home, and the renovation he is really keen on, will push us to the limit or slightly over our budget.

These 2 facts combined, made him suggest that he will probably sell one of our 2 properties in his homecountry, and bring the money home. The seed has been planted....

I will get in touch with the couple he will be staying with, the wife is my friend and has an uneasy relationship with her husband, we share many frustrations. However, she can talk the hindleg of a donkey, and my husband listens to her, so I will ask her to help me persuade husband to sell the property.

Savvy_Sue

Siebrie said:

Husband is going to his homecountry this summer; he goes every 3 years, so this is fine. I have managed to talk him from going in July (€1,500 return flight) to going in May (€700 return flight). DDs and I are NOT accompanying him.

We have visited the Architect for renovations to our home, and the renovation he is really keen on, will push us to the limit or slightly over our budget.

These 2 facts combined, made him suggest that he will probably sell one of our 2 properties in his homecountry, and bring the money home. The seed has been planted....

I will get in touch with the couple he will be staying with, the wife is my friend and has an uneasy relationship with her husband, we share many frustrations. However, she can talk the hindleg of a donkey, and my husband listens to her, so I will ask her to help me persuade husband to sell the property.

But have you factored in the potential cost of hotel quarantine, or is that not a 'thing' where you are? 

Siebrie

It's not a thing where he's going; quarantaining with friends/relatives would count, too, but for now, the only requirement is a negative test.

Savvy_Sue

Siebrie said:

It's not a thing where he's going; quarantaining with friends/relatives would count, too, but for now, the only requirement is a negative test.

I was thinking of the coming back! Here, we have to quarantine in an approved hotel for two weeks, and I don't even know when they are going to consider lifting it!

Siebrie

So far, he just needs to take a test, fill out a form, and possibly quarantaine at home. We have a spare bedroom where he can stay and work.

Siebrie

So, I've told my parents, who said husband's behaviour last year suddenly made a lot of sense: he was gone all the time whenever we visited my parents, refused to look them in the eye and share meals. They will support me whatever I decide to do.

I have told another friend, who helped me google 'international divorce' and checked relevant lawyer's ratings for me (I can't get my head around it at the moment). Another friend just knows that my marriage is 'no longer what I hoped it would be'. I have since found several clear  (governmental / Notary Association / etc) Belgian websites and free resources, and am filling out forms/diagrams (on my work computer, when I'm at the office. Husband is in IT and I am not sure he hasn't put spyware on our IT equipment at home).

I have taken and am taking money out of the joint account. Husband and I have discussed returning to my hometown, and are now leaning that way. The house we live in needs major renovations, and although we have hired an architect, who has already made plans, this is still before the major renovation costs. Husband suggests I move to hometown first, with dds, to find housing and a job, after which, he will follow. This, to me, seems as if he is trying to make me leave the marital home. On the other hand, he will have to sign a paper stating that he is 'allowing' me to take dds out of Belgium to live with me, and let me make all decisions regarding them. This is in my favour....

I have changed the health insurance payout bank account number for me and dds to my Dutch account number.

As you can see, I'm still debating. Husband (still abroad) and I had a long phonecall, where he has admitted to spending money foolishly last year, trying to 'live in the moment' but sabotaging the future.

Siebrie

Husband and I had a heart-to-heart, and decided to call it quits. We both agree we have loved each other since we met, we have had 12 wonderful or good years together, but the last two were anything but. Cultural differences, different communication techniques, different approaches to finances, leading to husband 'branching out' (coughcough). We have agreed to separate calmly, live together while we sort out how to divide the assets. He is suggesting/pushing me to move back to the Netherlands with our daughters; I'm more or less in favour of that, as I never made many friends here, my type of job is similar in whichever country I'm in, my aging parents and other relatives live there, AND I'd have dds 100%.

I've been in touch with the Architect to call off the renovation; we'll sell the house as-is.

I'll contact a Notary today or tomorrow to see which documents he/she needs, and start checking if I have everything.

The weird thing: I'm rather emotionless about all this. I had a cry last night when I had a chat with husband about steps to take and however we ended up in this situation, and he comforted me (which is a first! He usually looks at me and says 'you're crying!' with disdain). I think we're both okay with this relationship ending at this point; we can only see it getting worse.

Debsnewbudget

Sending hugs 
you will get there xx

tooldle

Sorry to read your update. On the positive side you are both in agreement of the end having been reached. Changes and opportunities ahead for you and your daughters. Wishing you strength and courage, you can do this.